{"id":10158,"date":"2025-08-19T21:02:09","date_gmt":"2025-08-19T21:02:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/10158\/"},"modified":"2025-08-19T21:02:09","modified_gmt":"2025-08-19T21:02:09","slug":"my-5-year-old-can-get-whatever-she-wants-from-anyone-by-giving-them-a-look-i-have-to-put-a-stop-to-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/10158\/","title":{"rendered":"My 5-year-old can get whatever she wants from anyone by giving them a look. I have to put a stop to it."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so today we\u2019re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? <\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My daughter is 5 and she\u2019s absolutely adorable. I know all parents say that about their kids, but it\u2019s true. She is very cute and uses that to get away with stuff. It\u2019s unintentional for now, but I can imagine it could become intentional quickly.<\/p>\n

My husband and I aren\u2019t the sorts of parents who find it impossible to say \u201cno\u201d to our daughter, and most of her preschool teachers aren\u2019t either. But grandparents, aunts and uncles, older cousins who babysit, one of her substitute preschool teachers, and other adults she\u2019s regularly in contact with have a hard time saying no to her. These are people who had no issues saying no to my son when he was her age. As an example, the other day my mom brought over cookies\u2014one for each person, which she was quite clear about. And the moment my daughter asked for a second cookie, my mom caved and gave my daughter hers. I\u2019m afraid that my daughter will soon discover, if she hasn\u2019t already, that she can get what she wants from people virtually just by looking at them. How can I mitigate this? Should I bring it up with our relatives? I feel like talking to my daughter about it would backfire tremendously.<\/p>\n

\u2014Please Say No<\/p>\n

Dear Please Say,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Absolutely bring it up with your relatives. You\u2019re right that talking to your daughter would only confirm overtly what she already knows instinctively\u2014and would encourage her to deploy her superpower even more. Plus, it\u2019s not her\u00a0fault you\u2019re in this situation, so it\u2019s not her responsibility to correct it.<\/p>\n

In my opinion, this is the perfect scenario in which to deploy the oft-ridiculed Mass Family Email. Share with the group that you and your husband have noticed that your daughter is getting away with murder, and everyone in the family is helping her hide the weapon. Use a healthy dash of humor and self-deprecation to mollify the group as you ask them to help you two nip this pattern \u201cwe all share\u201d in the bud. You might also point out that if\u00a0you\u00a0have noticed the pattern, your son probably has too, and no one wants him to think his sister is more loved or pampered than he is. This email can lay important groundwork so that if (when) you must correct someone in the moment, it won\u2019t feel so punitive or catch them off-guard. Trust your gut, you\u2019re on the right path.<\/p>\n

\u2014Allison Price<\/p>\n

From: I Think My Son\u2019s Favorite Game Is Horrifying Everyone Around Us. <\/a> (June 5th, 2023). <\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband and his ex are on fairly good terms, and we celebrate many holidays and special occasions together so that my stepdaughter can be with all of her parents and siblings on those days. We also sit together at her games, concerts, etc.<\/p>\n

My stepdaughter\u2019s stepfather\u2014her mother\u2019s husband\u2014is creepy. I\u2019ve watched for years as he treats her (slightly) older cousins in inappropriate (flirty?) ways. Nothing obscene, just inappropriate. Hugs that last too long, carrying post-pubescent girls on his shoulders, rubbing a shoulder in a way that just doesn\u2019t feel right to me. This is all in front of family.<\/p>\n

On Wednesday, I saw him poke his 12-year-old niece in the bellybutton a couple of times. I don\u2019t believe that any 12-year-old wants her uncle to touch her bare belly. Again, this was in front of several other adults, including the girl\u2019s mom. We\u2019ve heard other adults say that his conduct makes them uncomfortable as well.<\/p>\n

Ending all contact isn\u2019t possible because my stepdaughter spends half of her time at her mom\u2019s. If we said that we would never again do anything together, it would hurt my stepdaughter. I worry that she would feel like she had to hide things from us. It would also break down communication between my husband and his ex-wife. Where do we go from here?<\/p>\n

\u2014He Gives Me the No Feeling<\/p>\n

Dear HGMtNF,<\/strong><\/p>\n

One place\u00a0not\u00a0to go from here is considering no longer accompanying your stepdaughter to holidays and events where he will be present: In your position, what you want is\u00a0more\u00a0supervision, not less.<\/p>\n

I do not love this situation. I wish I knew how old your stepdaughter is. From context clues, I get the impression that she is 10 or 11? That\u2019s definitely old enough to be having very serious talks about personal space and what makes us uncomfortable. The problem with our emphasis on \u201cstranger danger\u201d is that strangers are a very small sliver of the problem when it comes to child molestation: Close friends and family are responsible for the vast majority of incidents, and it\u2019s harder to explain to children that\u00a0no one, not even Good Old Uncle Stan, can touch them in inappropriate ways.<\/p>\n

Harder, but not impossible. You and your husband must sit down with your stepdaughter (regularly) and have these conversations. There\u2019s no need to mention her stepfather (and it would be counterproductive and potentially alienating to do so); this is about her personal comfort and about appropriate conduct and boundaries. Make sure she knows you will believe her, and that she can call you day or night if something ever seems off. Have your husband encourage his ex-wife to have this talk with her as well; you can say her pediatrician says it\u2019s a good idea at this age (it is!).<\/p>\n

Check in regularly. Ask questions. Be watchful. Don\u2019t catastrophize, but don\u2019t be complacent, either. It\u2019s possible he\u2019s just kind of a creepy dude and his current conduct is the absolute extreme end of its manifestation, and I very much hope it is. I would also like you and the other parents who report having been made uncomfortable by this man to compare notes. More information is always better.<\/p>\n

My final piece of advice is to\u00a0absolutely\u00a0run his name through the\u00a0national sex offenders database<\/a>. I know that lifetime registration is often coercive and that many of these individuals (public urinators!) do not pose any threat to others, and I believe that people have a right to live their lives, but also I would absolutely look up anyone sharing a roof with my minor children and I would not give\u00a0two shits\u00a0about their right to privacy in that situation.<\/p>\n

\u2014Nicole Cliffe<\/p>\n

From: Oh Shoot, Our Freaking 3-Year-Old Has Started Swearing. <\/a>(Aug. 5th, 2018)<\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m a solo mom of two toddlers\u2014my husband works out of the state typically 2-3 months at a time for a good portion of the year, so I\u2019m alone usually 60 percent of the time. We recently moved for the fourth time in six years and to be frank, I\u2019m tired. I work a demanding full-time job (our new state is one of the most expensive in the U.S.) and rely on a mish-mash of daycare and part time babysitters to help corral the kids when I\u2019m working. But in the evenings, when my support has gone home, and the kids are tired and cranky and demanding their daddy for the millionth time in five minutes, I lose it. My patience level drops to almost zero (I do ok if I\u2019m caffeinated to within an inch of my life but it\u2019s not a super sustainable solution).<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t like who I turn into at the end of the day. My patience fails, I snap at my kids, get frustrated at the drop of a hat, and one or more of us usually ends up crying. I try my hardest to take deep breaths and center myself, but I honestly can\u2019t take another round of crying fits because brother is wearing the blue pajamas or because the dogs have fur and people don\u2019t or whatever else it is that makes toddlers fail on a mechanical level. We don\u2019t have close family or friends nearby, and our budget doesn\u2019t really allow for additional paid support. I floated the idea of an au pair to my husband, but he didn\u2019t like it (he\u2019s weird about his space, even if he\u2019s rarely in it). I know we\u2019ll eventually get through this stage, but I\u2019m not sure if I\u2019ll be around to see it\u2014I might run screaming into the void before then. Besides therapy, any advice?<\/p>\n

\u2014Flat-Out Exhausted<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jamilah Lemieux
\n I Can\u2019t Stop Obsessing Over the Odd Thing That Happened With My Newborn at the Family Get-Together
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Flat-Out Exhausted,<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not that talking with a good therapist about how you\u2019re feeling can\u2019t be beneficial, but it seems to me that you need more than that\u2014you need concrete, logistical changes, right now. Does your husband understand that you\u2019re at your breaking point? Whether or not you can get him on board with the idea of an au pair or just more childcare help, I think it\u2019s important to share with him just how frustrated and overwhelmed you are. Feeling that way once in a while, or ending the day with a few parenting regrets, is one thing\u2014when you mentioned screaming into the void and not being sure whether you\u2019d be around to see the end of this stage, I felt really concerned for you.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a bit confused about what you might be able to afford, because you said you floated the idea of an au pair but also mentioned that more paid support isn\u2019t in the budget. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s right or reasonable for your husband to unilaterally veto the idea of childcare that\u00a0is\u00a0in the budget. But if he isn\u2019t open to that, or you just can\u2019t afford it, could you find a babysitter who\u2019s available a few evenings a week and\/or on the weekend? Are there any other types of home services you could occasionally pay for\u2014maybe cleaning or meal prep?\u2014that would make your solo-parenting time even a little easier?<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    The Day After My Husband Died, His Family Made a Shocking Request
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    Help! I Can\u2019t Get Married for a Very Good Reason. My Boyfriend\u2019s Parents Hold It Against Me.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  3. \n <\/p>\n

    Help! I Lied About My \u201cAccidental\u201d Pregnancy for Years. Now the Truth Could Ruin Everything.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  4. \n <\/p>\n

    I\u2019ve Cracked the Code for Keeping My Daughter Out of Trouble. It Involves a Horse.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I think it\u2019s really important for your husband to listen and try to understand what it\u2019s like for you when he\u2019s on the road for work, and how much you\u2019re struggling on your own. I know it might be tough for you to be fully honest about it, but I think you need to let him know that you can\u2019t simply keep going as you are. If he can understand how overwhelmed you are, then perhaps he\u2019ll be able to understand that what you\u2019re doing right now isn\u2019t sustainable\u2014either his work\/travel situation needs to change, or your level of support and how you manage things at home does. I know it won\u2019t be easy, and you\u2019ll need time to figure out what\u2019s doable and put any plans into action, but it seems clear that the two of you do need to start discussing and planning for some kind of change as soon as possible.<\/p>\n

    I sense a lot of self-blame in your letter, and I hope, at the very least, you can be gentler with yourself while you try to figure this out. Parenting toddlers is physically and mentally exhausting, and you\u2019re doing the lion\u2019s share of it alone. I\u2019m sure you\u2019re doing the best you can, and I hope you can get the help you need so that things start to feel more manageable.<\/p>\n

    \u2014Nicole Chung<\/p>\n

    From: My Daughter Says She Has a \u201cMessed Up Relationship to Exercise.\u201d I Think She\u2019s Just Lazy. <\/a>(Aug. 31st, 2023).<\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    For husband and I are expecting our first (likely only) baby this spring. We are super fortunate to both have good jobs, and I\u2019m wondering how to make a baby registry for a shower that doesn\u2019t come off as obnoxious. Don\u2019t register at all? Don\u2019t put any big-ticket items on them? On shower invites put \u201cno gifts, your presence is enough\u201d? Suggest donating to a diaper bank instead? We certainly would appreciate any gifts given; I just don\u2019t want anyone to feel like they\u00a0have\u00a0to bring a gift just to come to celebrate at a shower.\u00a0Am I just overthinking this?<\/a><\/p>\n

    The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so today we\u2019re diving into the archives of Care…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":10159,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[77],"tags":[3500,18,1652,19,17,3917,2973,133],"class_list":{"0":"post-10158","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-science","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-eire","10":"tag-family","11":"tag-ie","12":"tag-ireland","13":"tag-kids","14":"tag-parenting","15":"tag-science"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10158","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10158"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10158\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10159"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10158"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10158"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10158"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}