{"id":147542,"date":"2025-10-27T09:22:10","date_gmt":"2025-10-27T09:22:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/147542\/"},"modified":"2025-10-27T09:22:10","modified_gmt":"2025-10-27T09:22:10","slug":"youre-angry-first-then-its-torture-the-irish-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/147542\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018You\u2019re angry first, then it\u2019s torture\u2019 \u2013 The Irish Times"},"content":{"rendered":"

Bl\u00e1thnaid N\u00ed Chofaigh<\/a> recently had a dream that has stayed with her. In it, the RT\u00c9<\/a> presenter\u2019s youngest sister, Br\u00edd, announced that she was 60 years old. Bl\u00e1thnaid asked Br\u00edd why she would say that, given she was only around 40. Br\u00edd replied that she was so sick, she didn\u2019t know what she\u2019s saying. At that moment, Bl\u00e1thnaid realised she was dreaming. \u201cI said, \u2018Oh! T\u00e1imid ag briongl\u00f3ideach\u2019, (we are dreaming!), and she was so disappointed.\u201d Bl\u00e1thnaid tried to make it right, tried to convince her little sister that they weren\u2019t actually asleep. But it was too late. Bl\u00e1thnaid woke, and reality hit.<\/p>\n

Dreams like this are among the many surreal aspects of grief Bl\u00e1thnaid and the wider N\u00ed Chofaigh family are navigating, along with Br\u00edd\u2019s husband, Adam, and her friends. Br\u00edd died in January, a few days after her 42nd birthday, from cervical cancer<\/a> that had spread.<\/p>\n

Bl\u00e1thnaid is talking about her sister under the autumn sun in the Botanic Gardens in Glasnevin, Dublin, surrounded by verdant beauty. Walkers out for an afternoon stroll occasionally offer a nod towards the recognisable Nationwide presenter. She fishes in her handbag for tissues, breaking down in tears. \u201cI\u2019m going away at Christmas,\u201d she says. \u201cI\u2019m going to see my daughter in Sydney.\u201d She struggles to get her words out. \u201cAnd the yearning I have to go away, and think if I come home, it won\u2019t have happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

I remember Br\u00edd too. We were classmates in secondary school. Br\u00edd enrolled in Col\u00e1iste \u00cdosag\u00e1in in Booterstown in Dublin a few years in. She was tall, glamorous, funny, and thanks to her upbringing in the small Gaeltacht village of R\u00e1th Chairn in Co Meath, her Irish was perfect. <\/p>\n

Br\u00edd was the youngest in the family by 10 years, 12 years younger than Bl\u00e1thnaid. Siobh\u00e1n is the eldest, then Ciar\u00e1n, Bl\u00e1thnaid and M\u00e1ire. <\/p>\n

Br\u00edd\u2019s arrival into the family in 1983 was \u201ckind of a surprise\u201d, Bl\u00e1thnaid says. \u201cBr\u00edd\u2019s birth was so celebrated at home because my mother was older. I didn\u2019t understand this until years later … Everyone came. They made a pilgrimage to our house. You\u2019d swear she [their mother, who was in her mid-40s when Br\u00edd was born] was the Virgin Mary giving birth to Jesus. They all wanted to see Br\u00edd. To me she was this doll. I\u2019d change the baby-grow five times a day. Every night we\u2019d take it in turns for Br\u00edd to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n

The siblings called Br\u00edd the \u201cCeltic Cub\u201d as she benefited from being a 1990s child. \u201cWe were the four raised [in the 1970s and 1980s] where it was fish fingers forever and minced meat. We used to laugh when she was eight or nine saying, \u2018Oh, I had the nicest crab claws!\u2019 She loved shellfish.\u201d <\/p>\n

\"BláthnaidBl\u00e1thnaid and Br\u00edd N\u00ed Chofaigh. Photograph: Courtesy of family <\/p>\n

Bl\u00e1thnaid recalls a more recent memory from a family holiday in Ballyvaughan, Co Clare. \u201cThe two of us were sharing a big fish platter. It was probably one of the most intimate moments in a strange way, because we weren\u2019t talking, we were just smiling and eating together. For two sisters who could clash so easily, we just found ourselves in this moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

Br\u00edd was \u201cthe smiliest child\u201d. \u201cShe adored when we\u2019d come home with boyfriends and girlfriends. She loved company … She was enthralled with the social scene we were having. And when she got to that age she was a real social butterfly. She knew everyone. She was incredibly popular … She stayed home longer than the rest of us. She stayed more local. She had more of a relationship with the local community day to day, and that was massive to her.\u201d <\/p>\n

[\u00a0First Encounters: Bl\u00e1thnaid N\u00ed Chofaigh and R\u00f3n\u00e1n Mac Aodha Bhu\u00edOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

Upon leaving school \u2013 \u201cShe used to love telling us she got a better Leaving Cert than any of us\u201d \u2013 she studied auctioneering. \u201cShe loved all those DIY programmes. She had a flair and a great interest in interior design.\u201d<\/p>\n

She worked for Booking.com<\/a> and loved to travel. Bl\u00e1thnaid laughs when recalling Br\u00edd\u2019s approach to \u201cbackpacking\u201d in Australia, travelling with a huge pink suitcase and staying in hotels. Br\u00edd continued to go on trips even in the depths of her illness.<\/p>\n

She married her husband Adam 11 years ago and the couple lived in Athboy in Co Meath. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer in the middle of the Covid pandemic in 2020, while having a smear test that was set to precede fertility treatment. <\/p>\n

Br\u00edd had her own way of dealing with the illness; she didn\u2019t like to talk about it much. <\/p>\n

\u201cYou had to be careful with her … I remember when she was giving out to me because I was asking too many questions, and this really nice person in hospital who helps people with people who are dying said, \u2018You\u2019re only being given out to you because you\u2019re going to turn up again anyway.\u2019 That\u2019s family, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n

The distress the family felt over Br\u00edd\u2019s illness, and some confusion about the details because of her reluctance to talk about it, was compounded by visiting restrictions during the pandemic, \u201cand conversations in car parks in hospitals because you couldn\u2019t go in\u201d, says Bl\u00e1thnaid.<\/p>\n

\"TheThe N\u00ed Chofaigh family. Photograph: Courtesy of family <\/p>\n

\u201cIn the bigger picture of lockdown when people were dying and not being able to see their parents, we were okay, because Br\u00edd was just sick.\u201d That said, \u201cYou couldn\u2019t avail of the normal facilities and services. My sister at one point was outside a window while a consultant was talking to Br\u00edd. You do whatever you have to do in those circumstances, but I think we were all psychologically outside the window.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut how brave was she? To lie in that room all through the day and the night and not be ringing and saying, \u2018I\u2019m so scared\u2019? She was managing her way. I wouldn\u2019t be able. I\u2019d just be crying all the time … You look up why people get cervical cancer, it\u2019s not hereditary. That nearly makes it worse. If you could blame the ancestors, that would be something. It\u2019s a roll of the dice, and how do you accept the roll of the dice?\u201d<\/p>\n

[\u00a0How Ireland can wipe out cervical cancerOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

Br\u00edd had surgery, chemotherapy and radiation, and immunotherapy. The family knew things were getting tricky when they heard the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes. <\/p>\n

Throughout her treatment, Br\u00edd kept going. She didn\u2019t want the illness to define her. In the summer of 2024, there was a family holiday to Connemara. Last Halloween she took a trip to Boston with a friend. \u201cWe didn\u2019t want her to go, we told her not to, and she insisted. I collected her at Shannon Airport and she comes out like this\u201d \u2013 Bl\u00e1thnaid hunches down to demonstrate how Br\u00edd was struggling to walk.<\/p>\n

Last Christmas, she \u201cwanted everything perfect: \u2018I want the white linen candle from the White Company. Go in to L\u2019Occitane and get this, this, and this\u2019.\u201d She was very house-proud, and wanted everything just so. \u201cDid Br\u00edd know she wouldn\u2019t be there for another Christmas? Probably. Did we know? Definitely. But she wanted everything like that.\u201d <\/p>\n

On New Year\u2019s Eve, Br\u00edd had a gathering in her home, \u201cWe had prosecco, and she was loving it, but she wasn\u2019t able. She wasn\u2019t well.\u201d Bl\u00e1thnaid subsequently brought Br\u00edd to an appointment in the Beacon, where she was admitted. \u201cShe never came home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

The dynamic changes so much with this kind of death. Everything changes<\/p>\n

\u2014 \u00a0Bl\u00e1thnaid N\u00ed Chofaigh <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Last January, Br\u00edd\u2019s favourite GAA club, Cuala in Dalkey, won the All-Ireland Senior Club Football Championship. \u201cShe was obsessed,\u201d Bl\u00e1thnaid says. \u201cShe knew everyone on that team. Don\u2019t mind the Dublin team, she was an expert on Cuala. When Peadar [\u00d3 Cofaigh Byrne, the Cuala and Dublin player and Bl\u00e1thnaid\u2019s son] scored a goal, she was in the room with her mother, her friend and the nurses, who had to wear the Cuala colours.\u201d<\/p>\n

Later, Br\u00edd told Bl\u00e1thnaid she saw her on the television hugging Peadar. But she couldn\u2019t hear what he was telling his mother. \u201cMam, tabhairfidh m\u00e9 suas an cup\u00e1n chuig Br\u00edd.\u201d (I\u2019ll bring the cup up to Br\u00edd.) \u201cAgus chuaigh s\u00e9 suas [he went up],\u201d Bl\u00e1thnaid says. \u201cWe believe Br\u00edd stayed alive for that bloody match.\u201d<\/p>\n

[\u00a0Katherine Zappone: \u2018I didn\u2019t really realise how crazy you can become with grief\u2019Opens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

The following week Bl\u00e1thnaid sat near Br\u00edd\u2019s bed watching a film on her phone. Her sister\u2019s breathing was \u201cterrible\u201d. She left for the night at about 11pm. When she got home, she had second thoughts, rang the ward, and the nurse who answered \u201csaid, \u2018She seems distressed\u2019. It wasn\u2019t [the nurse\u2019s] fault, but I was really impatient. \u2018What do you mean distressed? What does that mean in the medical world?\u2019 A lot of this is just Braille. I got into the car, went up. They made her more comfortable.\u201d <\/p>\n

She left again at about 2.30am. \u201cFive in the morning her husband rang and said the hospital just rang [and that], \u2018She doesn\u2019t seem to be well at all.\u2019 Around 8.20am, Br\u00edd died.\u201d Bl\u00e1thnaid frequently wakes at the same time as that 5am phone call.<\/p>\n

In the aftermath of her death, Bl\u00e1thnaid and her sisters took a trip to San Sebasti\u00e1n that Br\u00edd had booked. \u201cWe \u2013 the three girls \u2013 probably went away too soon,\u201d she says now.<\/p>\n

\"BrídBr\u00edd Ni Chofaigh and her husband, Adam. Photograph: Courtesy of family <\/p>\n

In a subsequent phone call, Bl\u00e1thnaid reflects on our earlier conversation. \u201cYou\u2019re angry first, pissed off about what should have been or could have been, and then you just go into torture of being haunted … I\u2019m so wrapped up in what just happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

One of the main reasons Bl\u00e1thnaid is sharing Br\u00edd\u2019s story is to highlight the importance of having regular smear tests, and for young people to get the HPV vaccine<\/a>. <\/p>\n

\u201cI say this as someone who has to take a Xanax before having a smear. I hate them,\u201d she says, adding that many women \u201chave a habit of prioritising everything but themselves when it comes to their health.\u201d <\/p>\n

The specific grief of losing a sibling is something she thinks isn\u2019t spoken about a great deal. \u201cThe dynamic changes so much with this kind of death. Everything changes … You\u2019re not little kids in a house any more, but I suppose you do still feel like little kids in a house, like you\u2019re all small together. Losing a sibling is sort of like a secret. People will grab me and say quietly, \u2018I heard about your sister, I lost my brother, it\u2019s cruel.\u2019 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou look at your relationships with your other siblings differently, you even see your children differently. I know it\u2019s weird, but as a parent, as a mother, I kind of have to make sure they\u2019re always looking out for each other, to cement that a little bit. <\/p>\n

\u201cI lost a father and it\u2019s terribly sad. But this is not sad, this is awful.\u201d<\/p>\n

A poem Br\u00edd\u2019s friend \u00c1ine N\u00ed Bhreisle\u00e1in wrote about her, brought comfort at her funeral. \u201cSheas t\u00fa go daingean i ng\u00e1la\u00ed do thinneas \/ Bh\u00ed teas agus lonracht asat\u201d (You stood firmly in the gales of your illness \/ Heat and light from you). <\/p>\n

When Bl\u00e1thnaid pictures Br\u00edd now, the same image comes to mind \u2013 her little sister as a young child, dungarees on, schoolbag on her back, insisting \u201cshe was leaving home because we were all giving out to her, and she was waving at the bottom of the stairs, smiling. I see that all the time. I close my eyes and I see it.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Bl\u00e1thnaid N\u00ed Chofaigh recently had a dream that has stayed with her. In it, the RT\u00c9 presenter\u2019s youngest…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":147543,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[75],"tags":[86978,110,18,117,2215,49963,19,17,361,12000],"class_list":{"0":"post-147542","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-entertainment","8":"tag-blathnaid-ni-chofaigh","9":"tag-cancer","10":"tag-eire","11":"tag-entertainment","12":"tag-for-you","13":"tag-hpv-vaccine","14":"tag-ie","15":"tag-ireland","16":"tag-magazine","17":"tag-womens-health"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@ie\/115445402417903280","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/147542","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=147542"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/147542\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/147543"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=147542"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=147542"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=147542"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}