Oh my God, we should think about buying a frozen turkey while we\u2019re up here<\/p>\n
She goes, \u201cThere\u2019s talk of there being an actual shortage in the south this year because of the whole, like, bird flu thing? We should maybe buy a frozen one just to have as a backup.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m about to go, \u201cYeah, whatever,\u201d when Sorcha\u2019s face all of a sudden lights up and she\u2019s like, \u201cOh! My God! Will you look who it is!\u201d<\/p>\n
I recognise her straight away. It\u2019s a girl called Treasa Rorty, who was in UCD with Sorcha and who I may have slept with when we were on one of our world famous breaks. And from the way Treasa\u2019s face turns instantly pale, it\u2019s obvious that she remembers me too. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s Honor who ends up rescuing the situation. She\u2019s like, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you two get reacquainted while we go and get the emergency turkey?\u201d<\/p>\n
So \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 that\u2019s what basically happens. They hit The Crown to talk about old times, while me, Honor and the boys head for the big Morks and Spencer\u2019s on Donegall Place to get the frozen bird.<\/p>\n
\nDid you have sex with that woman?<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Honor<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Honor goes, \u201cDid you have sex with that woman?\u201d<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m there, \u201cThe human hort is a complicated organ, Honor.\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cYou did have sex with her, didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m there, \u201cYes, I did. Thanks for rescuing me, by the way.\u201d<\/p>\n
She goes, \u201cI wasn\u2019t rescuing you. I need a strong pair of orms. We\u2019re going to buy an absolute sh**load of frozen turkeys.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cAre we? Er, why?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause if there\u2019s going to be a shortage,\u201d she goes, \u201cI can sell them in Christmas week for, like, \u20ac500 each.\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course all I can do is just shake my head.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cIt reminds me of that Christmas when you bought all those Elsa and Anna dolls and auctioned them off to the highest bidder. We had mums and dads in tears at the door on Christmas Eve.\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI\u2019m saying I\u2019m proud of you, Honor. From Frozen dolls to frozen turkeys. You\u2019re an actual genius.\u201d <\/p>\n
So we hit M&S and \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 I end up getting really into it. We fill a trolley with turkeys and then we push it back to Sorcha\u2019s cor, with Brian, Johnny and Leo carrying one under each orm. We cram them into the boot, then it\u2019s me who ends up going, \u201cLet\u2019s go back and get more.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEr, the boot\u2019s full?\u201d Honor goes.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019m like, \u201cWe could stuff them into the footwells and put some on our laps.\u201d<\/p>\n
Honor says it\u2019s a great idea \u2013 and why wouldn\u2019t she? I\u2019m one who\u2019s paying for the things.<\/p>\n
So back to the supermorket we go for another 25 frozen turkeys. And it\u2019s as I\u2019m forcing this second batch into every available air pocket in the cor that I suddenly notice that Leo is missing.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhere\u2019s your brother?\u201d<\/p>\n
Brian and Johnny shrug. So I end up having to lock Sorcha\u2019s cor, then we retrace our steps back to the supermorket. <\/p>\n
Leo is standing in the middle of the street, holding a humungous frozen turkey in front of his face and it\u2019s only then that I realise that his tongue is stuck to the thing.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWhat did I tell you about licking those turkeys?\u201d<\/p>\n
If brains were batteries, Leo wouldn\u2019t have enough to power a set of fairy lights.<\/p>\n
Honor\u2019s there, \u201cWhat are we going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI\u2019m tempted to leave him there. The thing will thaw out in a day or two. It\u2019ll be a lesson to him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll pour my hot chocolate on his tongue,\u201d Honor goes. \u201cThat should melt it.\u201d<\/p>\n
So \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 that\u2019s what she does, then we head back to the cor, only to discover, with a shock that almost empties my bowels, that the thing isn\u2019t there any more.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat the actual fock? Was it stolen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMore likely towed,\u201d Honor goes, then she whips her phone, finds the number of, I don\u2019t know, whoever, then dials it. I hear her giving Sorcha\u2019s reg number, then a few seconds later, she goes, \u201cIt\u2019s been impounded \u2013 for non-payment of a porking fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
And I suddenly get a flashback to the summer. Yeah, no, I drove up to Belfast because Richie Murphy offered me a job as a kicking coach with Ulster. Of course, it turned out to be Simon Zebo ripping the piss \u2013 he can impersonate anyone \u2013 and so when I got back to the cor and saw the ticket on the windscreen, I ripped it up and thought this is me closing the door on Ulster forever. And, like I said, it was Sorcha\u2019s cor.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cIs there someone I can give my old man\u2019s credit cord details to?\u201d<\/p>\n
But Honor \u2013 still on the phone \u2013 is like, \u201cThey\u2019re saying the pound is closed. We can\u2019t get the cor back until Monday.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s when I remember the turkeys.<\/p>\n
\nAre they likely to defrost in, like, two-and-a-half days?<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Ross<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cAre they likely to defrost in, like, two-and-a-half days?\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cDefinitely.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cThe cor is going to stink, isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n
And Honor goes, \u201cLike a poultry farm.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI just hope your old dear has had a few drinks. Are you checking the train times to Dublin there?\u201d<\/p>\n
But Honor goes, \u201cNo, I\u2019m using my calculator. Fifty turkeys at five hundred euros each. You owe me 25 grand.\u201d<\/p>\n
[\u00a0\u2018Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O\u2019Hara\u2019Opens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Sorcha is in her \u2013 literally? \u2013 element. She goes, \u201cThis is gorgeous, isn\u2019t it?\u201d This being the…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":206692,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[73],"tags":[79,16838,18,19,17,361,64928],"class_list":{"0":"post-206691","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-business","8":"tag-business","9":"tag-christmas","10":"tag-eire","11":"tag-ie","12":"tag-ireland","13":"tag-magazine","14":"tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@ie\/115633705880124247","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/206691","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=206691"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/206691\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/206692"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=206691"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=206691"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=206691"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}