The old man says he doesn\u2019t think he\u2019ll bother with Christmas this year \u2013 \u201cwhat with everything\u201d.<\/p>\n
By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 pegged it. <\/p>\n
Sorcha goes, \u201cOh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She\u2019d want you to celebrate it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s there, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Sorcha. I just can\u2019t muster any enthusiasm for it this year.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sorcha goes, \u201cI\u2019ll tell you what. You sit there and enjoy your brandy\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s, like, 11 o\u2019clock in the morning, I could point out, except I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201c\u2013and Ross and I will decorate the house for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI don\u2019t think I can go up to that attic, Sorcha.\u201d<\/p>\n
She goes, \u201cRoss, if you mention your old rotator cuff injury again\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cIt\u2019s an actual thing, Sorcha. Google it.\u201d<\/p>\n
But she refuses to listen and I have no choice except to clamber up the rickety ladder and stort bringing down the boxes containing all of the old dear\u2019s Christmas shit.<\/p>\n
\nHe drops the camera and you can hear the old dear pretty much dry-humping the dude<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Seven hours later we finish decorating the gaff exactly the way the old dear \u2013 or, in fact, her domestic, the famous Iryna the Cleaner \u2013 used to do it.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s, like, Santa Clauses and snowmen and carol singers and reindeers everywhere you look.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s when Sorcha, out of the blue, goes, \u201cI wonder if there\u2019s anything on this?\u201d and she\u2019s talking about our old video camera at the bottom of one of the boxes. She opens it up and there\u2019s, like, an actual \u2013 hilarious \u2013 video cassette inside it?<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy don\u2019t we have a look at it?\u201d the old man goes.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, no, good luck trying to find a video recorder.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cWe have a video recorder in the livingroom.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYou must be the last person in the world to still own an actual video recorder.\u201d<\/p>\n
So the three of us head for the livingroom and Sorcha puts the thing in the machine. Ten seconds later, up pops the old dear\u2019s face on the giant screen.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cJesus Christ!\u201d because you\u2019re never fully ready for it.<\/p>\n
Sorcha\u2019s like, \u201cOh my God, what house is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGlenageary,\u201d the old man tries to go.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019m there, \u201cSallynoggin,\u201d because it doesn\u2019t hurt to remind him where he came from.<\/p>\n
On the screen, the old dear is opening her presents. In the background, you can see a 10-year-old me, spinning a brand-new Gilbert in my hands.<\/p>\n
Sorcha goes, \u201cOh my God, Ross, look at you! You\u2019re so dotey!\u201d<\/p>\n
The old dear \u2013 because she has to make everything about her \u2013 is opening something that looks like a poster, except it turns out to be a map of actual Foxrock.<\/p>\n
\u201cPick a house,\u201d you can hear the old man go, because his money from his corrupt land rezoning must have just come through, \u201cand it\u2019s yours. I\u2019ll offer the owners whatever they want for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he drops the camera and you can hear the old dear pretty much dry-humping the dude.<\/p>\n
The action then jumps to, I don\u2019t know, however many minutes later. The old dear is cooking a fry and telling the old man to stop pointing that thing in her face, meaning \u2013 thank God \u2013 the camera. <\/p>\n
Then she goes, \u201cI\u2019ve a wonderful idea! Let\u2019s go to the Forty Foot for a swim! Oh, come on, Chorles, it\u2019s what our kind of people do on Christmas morning. It could become a family tradition.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cSorcha, turn this shite off.\u201d<\/p>\n
Except the old man goes, \u201cNonsense, Kicker! Let\u2019s keep watching!\u201d<\/p>\n
\nOh my God, Ross, what are you doing in the water? You can\u2019t actually swim<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Sorcha<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The next shot is of the old dear standing there, sopping wet, with her top-tens spilling out of a bikini that\u2019s about two decades too small for her and the old man standing next to her in his tight little Speedos, his big belly hanging over the waistband like cappuccino foam.<\/p>\n
And \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 I must be holding the camera because it\u2019s shaking and I can hear myself going, \u201cIt\u2019s focking freezing, you two dicks. Can we go home now?\u201d<\/p>\n
And the old man goes, \u201cNonsense! It\u2019s our new Christmas tradition! Have another swig from my hip flask, Kicker!\u201d which I suppose, looking back, explains much.<\/p>\n
Again, I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, no, Sorcha, let\u2019s turn this thing off. We\u2019ve all seen enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
Except the next shot happens to be of me in the \u2013 literally? \u2013 sea and I\u2019m screaming, \u201cHelp! Help!\u201d because I\u2019m pretty much drowning.<\/p>\n
Sorcha goes, \u201cOh my God, Ross, what are you doing in the water? You can\u2019t actually swim.\u201d<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m there, \u201cSomeone pushed me. This was the Christmas I very nearly drowned.\u201d<\/p>\n
I can hear the old dear going, \u201cShould one of us help him, Chorles?\u201d<\/p>\n
And the old man \u2013 I shit you not \u2013 is like, \u201cNo, look, he\u2019s getting the hang of it now. Have another mince pie, Dorling. They\u2019re from Cavistons,\u201d and a second or two later you can hear her horsing into the thing.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s, like, a jump in the action then and the camera is still on me, thrashing around in the sea. You can hear the old man go, \u201cYou know something? I rather think you\u2019re right, Dorling. I think he might well be \u2013 quote, unquote \u2013 drowning.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he films the old dear jumping head-first off the diving platform and hitting the water like a piano being focked from a cruise ship. Then she powers through the water, her orms turning the sea into a froth, as she finally reaches me, then hooks an orm around my chin and swims with one orm back to the, I want to say, shore?<\/p>\n
The old man goes, \u201cDo you know what, Sorcha? I think Ross is right. Let\u2019s turn it off. One can overdose on nostalgia at this time of year.\u201d<\/p>\n
But Sorcha goes, \u201cYour mom saved your life, Ross!\u201d because the next shot is of me, lying on the flat of my back on the little sandy beach while the old dear pumps my chest and gives me \u2013 my stomach does a quick lurch \u2013 the kiss of life.<\/p>\n
The old man goes, \u201cLike I said, we\u2019ve probably watched enough of it now.\u201d<\/p>\n
But I\u2019m like, \u201cNo, leave it.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s when I hear the old dear\u2019s voice go, \u201cWhy did you push him in, Chorles?\u201d<\/p>\n
And he \u2013 I shit you not \u2013 is like, \u201cHow is he ever going to play Senior Cup rugby for Castlerock if he never learns to face his fear?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"The old man says he doesn\u2019t think he\u2019ll bother with Christmas this year \u2013 \u201cwhat with everything\u201d. By…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":218330,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[73],"tags":[79,16838,18,19,17,361,64928],"class_list":{"0":"post-218329","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-business","8":"tag-business","9":"tag-christmas","10":"tag-eire","11":"tag-ie","12":"tag-ireland","13":"tag-magazine","14":"tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@ie\/115671961708377495","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/218329","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=218329"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/218329\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/218330"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=218329"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=218329"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=218329"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}