Dear Eric: My infirm 83-year-old parents (stroke, blindness and memory issues) live with my husband and me. My parents built their lives around their children and grandchildren, personally and financially. Mom was their free full-time daycare until graduation. My parents also paid for my brother\u2019s house in cash. Family is Mom\u2019s reason for living.<\/p>\n
But recently my brother brutally cut her out of his life. We don\u2019t know if he\u2019s mad that she moved in with us four years ago, even though he was not offering. We don\u2019t know if he is somehow angry that she recently fell and broke her neck at his house. Or maybe he hates her for slowly losing her memory.<\/p>\n
He wrote her a cruel letter saying she was a \u201cstupid person,\u201d that I\u2019m a loser and my perfect dad was pathetic and weak.<\/p>\n
My mom may need neurosurgery on her neck. She desperately wants my brother there, yet he has blocked all of us. We are not allowed to step foot on his lawn.<\/p>\n
I personally would love to cut him off, but my mom cries every day. She trembles, she can\u2019t eat, she calls his phone all of the time. No answer. He\u2019s vicious.<\/p>\n
I wrote him a long, fair and vulnerable letter. I\u2019ve sent post cards, left texts and messages begging him to just call his mom. I\u2019ve asked family to get involved. Nothing. He married my best friend from high school, and she also has turned heartless.<\/p>\n
I know it\u2019s easy advice to just cut him off, but my mother cannot. She is literally dying of a broken heart. I would do anything to ease her emotional pain in her last years. I can\u2019t stand to see her suffer. What can I do? Walking away is not an option.<\/p>\n
\u2013 The Good Daughter<\/p>\n
Dear Daughter: What an awful situation. I\u2019m so sorry for your parents and I\u2019m sorry you\u2019re stuck in the middle. There are helpful books on family estrangement that can provide insight and strategies (\u201cFamily Estrangement\u201d by Kylie Agllias; \u201cHome Truths\u201d by Lucy Blake and \u201cFault Lines\u201d by Karl Pillemer). But the most pressing issue is providing comfort to your mother.<\/p>\n
The hard truth is that you may not be able to make this better for her. You\u2019ve tried every avenue, it sounds like. So, the task now may be sitting with your mother in her grief and supporting her. That\u2019s hard work. But it\u2019s better to grieve with a loved one than to do it alone.<\/p>\n
The way that you love your mother through this is by doing what you\u2019ve been doing \u2013 showing up, showing her love, listening to her. If she has the capacity, you might also consider taking her to a family therapist, who can help her process this.<\/p>\n
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com<\/a> or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram<\/a> and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n