{"id":250588,"date":"2025-12-25T09:33:26","date_gmt":"2025-12-25T09:33:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/250588\/"},"modified":"2025-12-25T09:33:26","modified_gmt":"2025-12-25T09:33:26","slug":"choosing-between-my-mum-or-dad-it-always-felt-like-i-was-going-to-disappoint-one-the-irish-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/250588\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018Choosing between my mum or dad. It always felt like I was going to disappoint one\u2019 \u2013 The Irish Times"},"content":{"rendered":"

I wish I could say that Christmas<\/a> was a holiday period I look forward to but I would be lying if I said it wasn\u2019t a time of slight dread. <\/p>\n

My parents divorced when I was seven in 2009, so Christmas has always been complicated. When I was younger, I would spend Christmas with one parent and New Year<\/a> with the other. However, as I have got older, I now decide how I will divide my time over Christmas, which brings with it a certain amount of stress.<\/p>\n

Growing up in London I was surrounded by friends facing similar quandaries. At my primary school, the split of divorced\/separated to together parents was about 40\/60. Excuses such as \u201cSorry I left my PE kit at Dad\u2019s\u201d or \u201cMiss I need some paper: I left my exercise book at Mum\u2019s\u201d were uttered often.<\/p>\n

In my group of best friends, two of us had parents who were together and two had parents who were divorced<\/a>. Some of my friends had parents who could still spend Christmas together despite their separation, others did Christmas morning with one parent and Christmas evening with another, others just did their Christmas with one parent always, and so on.<\/p>\n

Where and when I grew up, parental divorce and separation were topics open for discussion. In Ireland, where I\u2019ve been living for five years since moving to Dublin for college, it\u2019s different. <\/p>\n

\u201cI find one problem with having divorced parents is that Christmas ends up lasting for ages, I\u2019d rather just celebrate for a day,\u201d says Daire. From Kilkenny, Daire (21) is one of few people my age in Ireland who would talk to me about having separated parents. <\/p>\n

Asking Irish friends on a group chat if they knew anyone who had divorced parents I got back, \u201cMine are still married and so are my friends\u2019 parents from home\u201d from a friend who grew up in rural Sligo. \u201cSame here, sorry … Trying to think of anyone I know whose parents are divorced,\u201d texted another friend who grew up in central Dublin.<\/p>\n

These friends were all born after divorce was legalised in Ireland in the 1990s, but still I can count on one hand the number of people I have met of my own age who have divorced parents.<\/p>\n

When I eventually found Irish people who had divorced parents who seemed happy to share their experiences, a pattern emerged. Those who checked with their parents if it was okay to speak to me about this topic were told it was not. They decided not to speak to me for fear of upsetting their families.<\/p>\n

\n

It\u2019s incredibly emotionally draining trying to meet everyone\u2019s expectations<\/p>\n

\u2014 \u00a0Mick<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Some mentioned that their parents\u2019 divorce was a sensitive topic for their grandparents. It seemed as if divorce or separation was a tolerated fact, but not accepted or endorsed between generations. Being from a small country adds another layer of complexity as it means that people are more likely to be identifiable.<\/p>\n

This year will be the first year that Mick (23) and Ella* (21), both from Dublin, are splitting between their respective sets of parents, who only separated this year.<\/p>\n

Though Christmas is fast approaching, Mick is still unsure about how he will be dividing his time. \u201cThey\u2019re both hurting and want me around, and I\u2019m stuck in the middle trying not to make either of them feel worse,\u201d he says. \u201cI feel guilty no matter what I decide, and it\u2019s incredibly emotionally draining trying to meet everyone\u2019s expectations.\u201d <\/p>\n

Ella, whose mother is Irish and father is Italian, will be spending Christmas in Italy with her father\u2019s family. <\/p>\n

\u201cMy nonna is dying and this will be my last Christmas with her. I am also doing a Christmas dinner here with my mum before I leave. I\u2019m sad, scared of it all, while also trying to enjoy the holiday. I\u2019m worried my mum will be lonely. I\u2019m worried Christmas will be awkward,\u201d Ella says.<\/p>\n

Both Mick and Ella have fond memories of childhood Christmases and are anxious about the feelings that the festive period may conjure up this year. \u201cI used to love Christmas. It meant visiting my family in Italy or having a proper Irish Christmas here \u2013 presents, good food, cultural traditions and time with my cousins. I love everything about Christmas,\u201d Ella says.<\/p>\n

Right now, Mick\u2019s ideal Christmas looks like one where he doesn\u2019t feel responsible for keeping the peace in his family: \u201cJust a day where everyone is okay, even if we\u2019re not all together,\u201d he says. <\/p>\n

\"ThisThis idea of double of everything is often presented to children of separated parents as a huge positive, as if having separated parents automatically means that one gets two Christmases. Photograph: Getty Images <\/p>\n

Ella believes that, because divorce is still unusual in Ireland, those around her struggle to have empathy for what she is going through. \u201cPeople can\u2019t conceptualise how it feels to have divorced parents. Sometimes I feel so alone. People can be so self-obsessed and dread spending time with their family, showing no gratitude for what they have,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n

[\u00a0Parenting after parting: \u2018When we made the quite painful decision to split, we vowed the kids wouldn\u2019t suffer\u2019Opens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

Similarly, Mick feels that having parents divorce when you are older doesn\u2019t make it any easier, and that\u2019s a misconception some people have. \u201cThere\u2019s grief in losing the version of family you grew up with, and Christmas makes that loss louder. Balancing two households, two sets of emotions and your own feelings is exhausting. It\u2019s not just logistics \u2013 it\u2019s mourning what used to be,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

For Lauren Halligan, who\u2019s 38 and from Swords in Co Dublin, having separated parents at Christmas is all she has ever known. They divorced when she was four years old: \u201cAs soon as it was legal,\u201d Lauren says. \u201cThey got divorced around 1998\/1999.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a child, Lauren would have two Christmases on the same day. She would open her stocking and presents and then have a Christmas lunch with her mother\u2019s side of the family in the morning and early afternoon, before being picked up by her father in the evening for a big Christmas meal, stockings and presents. She would typically then return to her mum\u2019s house at some point on St Stephen\u2019s Day.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs I grew up I did find it taxing to have to get up and out after Christmas dinner when all most people want to do is curl up in front of the telly with a box of celebrations,\u201d Lauren says.<\/p>\n

\n

We have had to re-strategise to make sure we get to see everyone<\/p>\n

\u2014 \u00a0Lauren Halligan<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

She believes that having divorced parents who were very cordial and flexible is what has made Christmas such an enjoyable time for her. \u201cMy folks get on great. They never made it awkward or fought over who got what in terms of Christmas. They still exchange Christmas cards,\u201d she says. \u201cMy dad and stepmam have always been adamant that we could change the plan as soon as it did not suit me any more.\u201d<\/p>\n

When Lauren was in her mid-20s she asked to change her Christmas routine so that she would spend Christmas Day with her mum and stepdad and then have another Christmas with her dad and stepmum the next day. \u201cI started going out to my dad\u2019s on St Stephen\u2019s morning for brunch and presents. I found that it took the pressure off as we were all in great form and not tired or full of turkey,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

Since welcoming her first child three years ago, her family\u2019s Christmas routine has changed once again. \u201cSince the kids came along, they\u2019re three and almost one, we have had to re-strategise to make sure we get to see everyone,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n

The most stressful part of Christmas for Daire is the lead up when plans are being made and she and her siblings have to figure out how they will fit into everyone\u2019s itinerary.<\/p>\n

\u201cOver the last few years I have had some pretty rough Christmases. There have been many years where I haven\u2019t wanted to celebrate at all, and would have preferred to just be alone for the holidays,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n

\u201cI think having divorced parents makes the holidays more stressful and emotional, especially when the divorce or separation is fresh. Usually, we spend a few days with my mum and her side of the family and a few days with my dad and his side.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

I find it much easier to approach [Christmas] with lower expectations<\/p>\n

\u2014 \u00a0Daire<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The week of Christmas itself involves quite a lot of travel for Daire and her siblings as her mother\u2019s and father\u2019s families live on opposite sides of the country. The siblings mostly travel by bus or train from one family to another, and due to the often disrupted nature of Irish travel infrastructure, especially in rural areas, travelling between places can be time-consuming and exhausting.<\/p>\n

[\u00a0\u2018Trust me, I\u2019m a family Christmas expert and these are the rules to live by\u2019Opens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

When asked about what her ideal Christmas would look like, Daire says she looks forward to a time when she and her siblings would live somewhere that allows them to host Christmas, as they are currently students and recent graduates. She would like to be able to just stay in one place for the whole Christmas period with no travelling required. <\/p>\n

The notion that every person who has divorced or separated parents has \u201ctwo Christmases\u201d is one Eva (23), from Dublin, wishes to dispel. This idea of double of everything is often presented to children of separated parents as a huge positive, as if having separated parents automatically means that one gets two birthdays and two Christmases, and therefore more presents and attention overall. This idea also presumes that parents are in the financial position to give their child as many gifts or presents as they used to when they were with their partner.<\/p>\n

Eva\u2019s parents separated before she was born and were never married. \u201cMy typical Christmas is just my mum and I at home. When I was younger, I would alternate who I spent Christmas with each year,\u201d she says. \u201cSince my grandparents on my mum\u2019s side have both passed away, I now spend the day with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

She feels she has the balance right now that it\u2019s more settled, with Eva travelling to her father\u2019s family on St Stephen\u2019s Day. \u201cWhen I was younger, Christmas was hard because of the feeling of having to choose between spending Christmas with my mum or dad. It always felt like I was going to disappoint one side,\u201d she says. Now that she has moved past that period, she really enjoys Christmas. <\/p>\n

[\u00a0How to survive Christmas with a difficult familyOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

Similarly, although Christmas is not the easiest time of year for Daire, her attitude towards it has improved as she has grown older. \u201cI find it much easier to approach with lower expectations and the idea that this is just an opportunity to visit my family,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n

\u201cNow that my parents have been separated over 10 years, it doesn\u2019t get to me as much and we\u2019ve settled into our own routine of enjoying the holidays.\u201d<\/p>\n

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