{"id":287866,"date":"2026-01-16T17:27:11","date_gmt":"2026-01-16T17:27:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/287866\/"},"modified":"2026-01-16T17:27:11","modified_gmt":"2026-01-16T17:27:11","slug":"ben-glassberg-on-depression-and-a-journey-back-to-music","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/287866\/","title":{"rendered":"Ben Glassberg on depression and a journey back to music"},"content":{"rendered":"

This article discusses depression, suicidal episodes, coming out, hospitalisation for mental illness and experiences of psychological crisis. If you need to talk to someone for mental health support, please click here to find a helpline<\/a>.<\/p>\n

In classical music, we are used to hyped young artists, to early success and (often multiple) prestigious appointments. Ben Glassberg\u2019s career fits that pattern perfectly. Music Director roles at the Op\u00e9ra de Rouen and Volksoper Wien \u2013 before the age of 30 \u2013 and plenty of guest engagements. But we often forget to take care of the person behind the success. When I meet the British conductor for a virtual cuppa in November, he isn\u2019t having the easiest of weeks. \u201cI\u2019ve not been able to shift it and that’s okay. I know it will eventually.\u201d As someone living with depression myself, I know how much strength it takes to learn this kind of patience and self-confidence again. And it strangely connects us when we talk about what he describes as \u201ca strange year\u201d: his suicidal episode, his coming out and his history with depression.<\/p>\n

\"Ben<\/p>\n

Ben Glassberg<\/p>\n

\u00a9 Caroline Doutre<\/p>\n

\u201cI think in some ways it started much earlier,\u201d Glassberg says, when I ask when his journey with mental illness really began. He is reflective, calm, yet painfully honest when telling his story that sounds so similar to many others. At 12 years old, he was seeing a child psychologist. \u201cI had terrible anxiety, really poor emotional regulation. I struggled socially.\u201d At the time, no one quite knew what to do with it. \u201cIt was sort of dealt with and assumed to be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

At university, depression arrived with more clarity. \u201cDuring my first year, I was 18, 19 years old, I became quite depressed. I suppose a lot of students do,\u201d he says. But it was serious enough that he had to miss weeks of study and return home. Glassberg saw a psychiatrist, started therapy, but again, nothing was properly named. \u201cA common theme in my history,\u201d he reflects now, \u201cis not really dealing with it properly. Which is why it got so bad later.\u201d<\/p>\n

During postgraduate study, his anxiety was so severe it became physically immobilising. \u201cI couldn\u2019t get on the tube,\u201d he says. \u201cSome days I\u2019d stand there and think, I just can\u2019t. I just can\u2019t do this.\u201d The physical aspect of severe depression might be one of the hardest to describe to others. It doesn\u2019t feel like what is considered a \u2018normal\u2019\u00a0I don\u2019t want to get out of bed. It is physically impossible and paralysing, it becomes an\u00a0I can\u2019t get out of bed. \u201cYou can\u2019t tell your legs to move. They just don\u2019t listen.\u201d<\/p>\n

For Glassberg, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) helped, and for a while life moved forward with a few quiet years. \u201cAnd then we had quite a traumatic experience with the birth of our first child. He was very sick and we nearly lost him when he was born.\u201d As it happened at the very start of the Covid-19 pandemic, they could barely obtain any professional help for months.<\/p>\n

The combination of trauma and isolation became the tipping point. \u201cThat\u2019s when I started to get really, really depressed,\u201d he says. For the first time, he sought medical help and was prescribed antidepressants. Even then, the step towards treatment was not one he took entirely on his own. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have got help if my ex-wife hadn\u2019t forced me,\u201d he admits. \u201cI had a complete panic attack. I was sobbing on the stairs.\u201d His ex-wife made the decision for him. \u201cShe said, \u2018We\u2019re gonna get pizza takeaway now and it might be time to go to the doctor.\u2019\u201d That pizza might sound like a strange detail to remember in that context, but for me, it expresses the loving and thoughtful care through something quite ordinary when words no longer work.<\/p>\n

Ben Glassberg conducts Marianne Crebassa and Stanislas de Barbeyrac and the Orchestre National du Capitole de Toulouse in an excerpt from Offenbach\u2019s La P\u00e9richole in 2021.<\/p>\n

In March last year, everything gave way. \u201cIt had been building for years, but especially the previous nine months.\u201d He cancelled performances he cared deeply about, including a production in Zurich. \u201cI was devastated because I was having the most amazing time. The colleagues were wonderful, I loved that production. But I just couldn\u2019t get out of bed. I thought, I can\u2019t face this. I cannot. I cannot do this.\u201d<\/p>\n

At the same time, something else forced its way to the surface: his sexuality. \u201cI didn\u2019t discover it recently,\u201d Glassberg says. \u201cI think I knew all along. Another thing that I was trying not to believe about myself.\u201d Even in an open-minded and inclusive industry he struggled to accept it. \u201cI wanted an easy life,\u201d he admits. \u201cAnd this felt like it would make everything harder. There were consequences for other people. For my ex-wife, my kids. It was a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was only after his suicidal episode that he allowed himself to come out. \u201cIt was when I was in hospital, after I had nearly killed myself. I had all this time on my hands. I wasn’t working and suddenly I had the space to process it all.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow close did you come to taking your own life?\u201d I ask, carefully. \u201cVery, very close,\u201d he replies calmly. \u201cMy ex-wife had to take me to hospital to stop it from happening.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt hurts when people say, \u2018Just pull yourself together\u2019. Without wanting it to sound too overdramatic, it\u2019s a matter of life and death.\u201d<\/p>\n

On paper, Glassberg was living a beautiful and fulfilling life. \u201cI have a wonderful job, I\u2019m doing the career of my dreams, I have a lovely wife, two amazing kids. Why am I feeling this shitty when I have everything I’ve ever wanted? Why am I so unhappy that I don\u2019t want to be alive anymore?<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s so much shame around mental illness,\u201d Glassberg says later. \u201cIt\u2019s so much worse than physical illness, because it\u2019s not visible. We talk endlessly about mental health, but we don’t really talk about mental illness, which is a very different thing. We talk about wellbeing and self-care, but we don\u2019t really talk about what happens when you\u2019re actually ill.\u201d<\/p>\n

Social media, he notes, adds to the perfect picture and clouds what might be going on behind. \u201cI\u2019m just as guilty of it as anyone. If you look at my Instagram from before my breakdown, you\u2019d think he\u2019s a happy guy with a great life. But it\u2019s all rubbish, really. It’s a lie that we put out there \u2013 partly to convince other people, partly to convince ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hospitalisation brought enforced stillness. \u201cIt was the first time I\u2019d taken a month off in ten years. The amount I was working wasn\u2019t human. I was chasing this career, which I love, to the point where my relationship with my work was completely skewed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben Glassberg conducts Thibaut Garcia and the Orchestre National du Capitole de Toulouse in\u00a0Alexandre Tansman\u2019s Musique de cour\u00a0in 2021.<\/p>\n

For a while, music itself became unbearable. \u201cI couldn\u2019t listen to anything,\u201d he admits. \u201cThere was at least a week where I actually hated music, because I felt it was all its fault. I felt betrayed by it. This thing that I love had basically caused me to want to die, because I was so obsessed with doing it. Of course, it wasn\u2019t just the music. It was the fact that I was putting work before my kids, before my own needs, because you don’t have to think about your identity when you’re working every single day. It\u2019s easier if there’s no time to think. But I missed the birth of my second child because I refused to cancel a project. I felt that I\u2019ve got to do it, I have to. If I cancel this, I won\u2019t get invited again. Today, I look back on it with so much sadness.<\/p>\n

\u201cI chose to do all that work,\u201d he says. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t my agent. It wasn\u2019t the industry. It was me. Our industry has huge expectations on people, but I think for most artists, we put it on ourselves as well.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

There is an unspoken contract in classical music that visibility and busyness equal success and survival. To cancel is to risk being forgotten; to say no is to invite replacement. \u201cIf I don\u2019t do this, someone else will,\u201d he says. \u201cAnd then maybe they won\u2019t invite me back.\u201d It is a logic most freelancers will recognise instantly.<\/p>\n

The pressure on artists now arrives earlier and earlier. \u201cYou\u2019re told you\u2019re the future and you think: if I slow down now, I\u2019ll miss my moment. This month alone, two colleagues have cancelled entire months of work because of burnout,\u201d he says sadly. One of them is just 25. \u201cA complete genius. Amazing. He is being pushed and is doing far too much.\u201d He pauses. \u201cI can say that because I did too much. And it nearly killed me.\u201d<\/p>\n

The problem is not only an artist\u2019s own ambition, but that \u201cwe normalise exhaustion, and then we\u2019re shocked when people break. What we do is our passion, our calling. For so many of us, it is our reason to be, our reason to be alive\u2026 but it\u2019s not as important as taking care of yourself and your loved ones\u201d<\/p>\n

Leadership roles amplify that pressure. Being a music director is not just about musical decisions; it is emotional labour. \u201cYou care about every single person in those places. You want them to be happy. And that responsibility takes its toll.\u201d Stepping away from that constant weight should not be seen as a failure, but a way to find space to breathe again.<\/p>\n

What he hopes is not institutional overhaul overnight, but honesty. \u201cIf we were more truthful about how fragile this job can make people, we might stop confusing burnout with dedication.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yet music would also become Glassberg\u2019s way back. After months away, he chose to return with Britten\u2019s War Requiem. I can\u2019t help but ironically point out the lightness of the piece. \u201cA sensible choice,\u201d he laughs dryly. \u201cI don\u2019t know why, but I had a feeling I had to do that. I started studying the score at the piano which really helped me. Just thinking about that music, not thinking about anything else and kind of trying to get into it. The act of doing that project was exactly what I needed.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ben Glassberg and Deborah Warner talk about Britten’s The Turn of the Screw\n<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t all smooth sailing, though. \u201cMy mum and my sister flew out, because I wasn’t safe to be on my own. It almost felt regressive having family come out to support me, but it was great. It was the most amazing thing. All the soloists were friends of mine and it reminded me of why I love doing what I do. It gave me back confidence, that joy.\u201d<\/p>\n

Recovery, he stresses, has not been linear. \u201cThis week hasn\u2019t been great,\u201d he tells me. \u201cBut that\u2019s okay. A bad day doesn\u2019t automatically mean I\u2019m depressed again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Going to the gym and keeping routines support his recovery, and writing has helped him make sense of it all. A book \u2013 still in progress \u2013 has become a way of processing patterns, triggers and survival strategies. \u201cSelfishly, it\u2019s helped me understand what makes things better and worse. I am interviewing other people (comedians, musicians, doctors…), talking about their stories. There are so many of us that experience a different version of the same thing. It\u2019s incredibly inspiring.\u201d<\/p>\n

The response to his openness, not least on social media, has been overwhelming. Messages from colleagues, from artists he admires, from people who never suspected they shared the same struggles. \u201cTalking about it helps,\u201d he says simply. \u201cEvery single time.\u201d<\/p>\n

As he steps away from institutional leadership \u2013 he is in his final season of his contract in Rouen \u2013 something essential has returned. \u201cI\u2019m excited about music again! I think I\u2019ve had the wrong priorities for the last decade,\u201d he reflects. \u201cNow I\u2019m learning how to live authentically. And that makes me a better musician, a better father, a better friend.\u201d<\/p>\n

As we finish, he says something that might feel fragile to some, but is really a testament to his strength. \u201cI\u2019ve been as low as it gets. I know now that I can survive more than I ever thought possible.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"This article discusses depression, suicidal episodes, coming out, hospitalisation for mental illness and experiences of psychological crisis. If…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":287867,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[276],"tags":[18,135,19,17,167,502],"class_list":{"0":"post-287866","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mental-health","8":"tag-eire","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-ie","11":"tag-ireland","12":"tag-mental-health","13":"tag-mentalhealth"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/287866","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=287866"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/287866\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/287867"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=287866"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=287866"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=287866"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}