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Vanderpump Rules<\/a><\/p>\n Speakerphone Suckerpunch<\/p>\n \n Season 12<\/p>\n Episode 8\n <\/p>\n \n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n 1 stars<\/p>\n *\n <\/p>\n \n The SLO trip is sleepy, messy, and, well, too slow. You\u2019re trying to tell me that I spent $69 (har) of my own money on Chris and Jason\u2019s OnlyFans massage video and we\u2019re not even going to talk about it this episode? I cranked my \u2026 I mean, I cracked open my bank account and now we\u2019re not even going to benefit from my \u201cresearch\u201d because all the SUR-vers are getting along and no one bothered to bring it up to Audrey? It was clearly in the preview at the end of the last episode<\/a> \u2014 what kind of (master)bait and switch is that?<\/p>\n That\u2019s because there was nothing to preview in this episode, because it is even sleepier than Kim on a melatonin weed gummy. Angelica and Shayne have a discussion about it when they\u2019re alone in the hot tub. Angelica says she saw some \u201cpretty alarming\u201d things in the identical cousins\u2019 OnlyFans content, that they\u2019re oiling each other up and spreading each other\u2019s asses. Shayne doesn\u2019t believe it. He says there is no way they are \u201ccracking each other open\u201d but then adds that when he found out how much they make on OF, they should get that money however they can. Shayne also tells her a story about when he was 14 and his cousin brought his girlfriend over so that he could teach Shayne how to make women (oh, Catholic Jesus, forgive me for what I am about to say in a Pump Rules recap) squirt.\u00a0He says there was nothing incestuous about that, but then Angelica jumps out of the hot tub, starts flinging water everywhere, and screams as if she\u2019s Kevin McCallister and she just discovered her whole clan is on a plane to France. Okay, she didn\u2019t really do that, but she kinda did.<\/p>\n Shayne\u2019s point is that people do crazy stuff, but Shayne is more perceptive than we might think. In his confessional, he says everyone in the group is cool with Chris and Jason and if Angelica starts spreading rumors about them, she might end up making enemies. Damn, I am not ready for someone this intelligent to be on Pump Rules.<\/p>\n He\u2019s so smart that he should probably dump Angelica. She should constantly be underneath someone\u2019s arm, because she\u2019s just the pits. She\u2019s moping all around the vacation house, saying \u201cImagine not knowing\u201d about Audrey not knowing the kind of content Chris makes. Oh, get over it. Then, when they\u2019re at the street fair later in the episode, Shayne gets a pulled-pork sandwich that has more meat than either Jason or Chris is packing. (I can\u2019t wait to tell you about the video!) He offers some to Natalie, and she takes a bite, then Angelica sulks over to Demy, saying that Shayne shouldn\u2019t have offered her any sandwich. Demy points out that he offered some to everyone, and she\u2019s like, \u201cYeah, but he shouldn\u2019t have offered any to someone he went on a date with.\u201d Oh, get over it. Last week, it was him kissing Audrey in a music video, and now this. You\u2019ve been on one date with this dude! He already told you he doesn\u2019t want to be monogamous, and you\u2019re getting this butthurt and quivery-lipped because Natalie had some of his foot-long? Put her in the penalty box, and never let her out.<\/p>\n Speaking of Natalie, it looks as though the flirtation between her and Jason is heating up as the Love Island\u2013ification of this show<\/a> continues apace. Natalie needs to get out while she\u2019s still alive, because Jason \u2014\u00a0for as handsome as he is and as good as he is at flirting with all of Lisa Vanderpump\u2019s wine-industry mamacitas \u2014 is not the pumpiest penis in the penis pump. What I mean to say is that Jason is a little dumb. First, he has to ask what empathetic means. Then he says he has no idea what a ziti is. Girl. You are an Italian American from New Jersey and you don\u2019t know what a ziti is? What in the Kathy Wakile\u2019s cannoli kit<\/a> is this guy talking about? That\u2019s like Ben Affleck asking someone what wicked means.<\/p>\n All of the couples in the house seem to be doing well. Yes, Marcus and Kim are back together, and she was invisible for most of the episode while Marcus walked around slurring his words, drinking everything in sight, and then shirking all of his professional duties the next day. But did Lisa even need a full staff at this event? There was a two-to-one staff-to-attendee ratio at this party. Half of these people could have been back at the house doing breathwork with Shayne.<\/p>\n Chris and Audrey did have a bit of a hiccup. When everyone is getting ready to go serve Lisa\u2019s friends, Jason\u2019s twin brother, Justin \u2014\u00a0the only person on earth who looks more like Jason than Chris \u2014\u00a0calls and is on speakerphone talking about their upcoming trip to Bali. Justin says, \u201cYeah, we\u2019re going to fuck mad bitches.\u201d Audrey gets a little upset because, ugh (and I cannot state this enough), men. The episode strings the tension out on this, but when she and Chris finally chat, it\u2019s no big deal. She says it was just the first indication that things with them aren\u2019t going perfectly, but he reassures her that he likes her, she reassures him she likes him, then they go and make out in the middle of the street in downtown San Luis Obispo, or SLO, as the locals call it.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a moment when it\u2019s all couples \u2014\u00a0Kim and Marcus (barf), Shayne and Angelica (barf), Natalie and Jason (let\u2019s see), and Audrey and Chris (aww) \u2014\u00a0and Demy and Venus are wondering how they got left out of all this. This leads to an extensive discussion of Venus\u2019s sex life, and I was shocked to learn that he has not made out with a guy in seven years. What? Venus! These are seven of your hottest, most potent hole-as-smooth-as-silk years, and you\u2019re wasting them hiding out in Winnetka, stroking your lapdogs. Honey. Get your ass on Sniffies, start a group, and welcome yourself to the club.<\/p>\n I shouldn\u2019t press Venus into being the gay slut I was in my 20s. He may be looking for love and not sex, but to not kiss a guy? I mean, I could go to the WeHo CVS on Santa Monica and La Cienega right now and find three guys to smooch. Venus says that no one in WeHo hits on him because he is not big and muscular. Okay, that\u2019s tea. She spilled with that, but Venus is a hot young man with a great body. Yes, there is nowhere on earth where the superficial body standards are worse than in L.A., and WeHo specifically, but I can still get laid there. (Don\u2019t tell my husband.) Anyway, Akbar and Silver Lake are only a Waymo away. Get to the other side of town and find someone who is going to love a lithe little ginger like yourself. Don\u2019t think too small.<\/p>\n When the gang is out at a bar in SLO, there\u2019s an odd scene in which a dude comes over to talk to Venus and Audrey, and he is really hot. He\u2019s giving arms, tats, good hair, strong jaw, Jon Hamm realness (at least from the waist up). Everyone gives Venus a hard time for not flirting back with this Kevin fella. But here\u2019s the problem: He\u2019s in a straight bar full of straight people in a straight town. Part of why gay guys won\u2019t flirt in a place like that is safety. Like Venus says, he doesn\u2019t know if that guy is gay, and if he went a little too far, especially looking the way Venus looks, he\u2019s going to get his ass beaten faster than Marcus is going to drain an open bottle of ros\u00e9. Speaking of Marcus, he tries to be a wingman and goes to find the guy, who says he\u2019s there with a girl but they\u2019re not on a date. I don\u2019t know \u2014 I was getting straight from that dude, but Marcus invites them both to join them as they party that night.<\/p>\n At the next bar, they\u2019re prepping Venus to flirt with Kevin and giving him lessons. Chris takes it upon himself to seduce Venus, which mostly just involves him making eyes and then eating a cherry off a toothpick before asking Venus if he\u2019s a top. Okay. Great question. But right now, Venus is not anything. He\u2019s not even a side. He\u2019s an under. Chris won\u2019t make out with Venus, though, so Marcus does, and then Venus makes out with Audrey, and then he makes out with Natalie. Natalie and Audrey make out, then the boys give lap dances. They\u2019re all grinding and making out and sucking face and bumping uglies and then, as if he teleported in from the shadows of the dance floor, there\u2019s a very old ponytail right in the middle of the action. \u201cHey, guys, do you think I can get in on this?\u201d Peter Madrigal asks as everyone looks up from their couples to wonder whose ex-husband this is.<\/p>\n Vanderpump Rules<\/p>\n Keep up with all the drama of your favorite shows!<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n
\n Photo: Griffin Nagel\/Bravo\n <\/p>\n