{"id":35443,"date":"2025-08-31T23:28:17","date_gmt":"2025-08-31T23:28:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/35443\/"},"modified":"2025-08-31T23:28:17","modified_gmt":"2025-08-31T23:28:17","slug":"shirley-ballas-reveals-how-she-turned-to-alcohol-and-thought-shed-be-better-off-dead","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/35443\/","title":{"rendered":"Shirley Ballas reveals how she turned to alcohol and thought she’d ‘be better off dead’"},"content":{"rendered":"

EXCLUSIVE: Shirley Ballas bravely opens up for the first time about the dark times she endured while going through the menopause as she releases her powerful new memoir Best Foot Forward<\/p>\n

19:00, 31 Aug 2025Updated 19:05, 31 Aug 2025<\/p>\n

TV star Shirley Ballas <\/a>has bravely opened up for the first time about having suicidal thoughts while battling depression. The 64-year-old admitted that she found herself \u201cheading down the same route\u201d as her brother David, who tragically took his own life <\/a>in 2003, aged 44.<\/p>\n

Writing in her new memoir Best Foot Forward, she says: \u201cI was anxious, depressed and desolate. I thought I was losing the plot. In my darkest hours I went to some terrible places in my head and while I hate to use the word suicidal, those thoughts crossed my mind.<\/p>\n

\u201cI could never have gone through with it because I wouldn\u2019t want my mother to suffer the agony of losing a second child to suicide, but there were certainly times when I thought I\u2019d be better off dead because the way I was living felt so hideous.\u201d Shirley said that her mental health suffered while going through the menopause<\/a> in her 50s and likened it to \u201cplummeting into a black hole you can\u2019t climb up from.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"ShirleyShirley Ballas opens up about her depression battle in her new book(Image: Reach PLC \/ Matt Monfredi)READ MORE: Shirley Ballas vows ‘my toyboy days are OVER’ as she reveals vast spending on ex<\/a><\/p>\n

She added: You\u2019re scratching away at the sides, trying and fighting to scramble your way up, but never quite managing before you fall back down again.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Strictly Come Dancing <\/a>judge used booze to try and numb the pain. She writes: \u201cI\u2019d been trying to manage the \u2018situation\u2019 myself with antidepressants, sleeping tablets, more medication to wake myself up and, I have to say this, alcohol.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d always liked a social glass of wine with friends, but that was as far as it had gone. I was never a boozer or someone who would get anything beyond mildly tipsy. My mother was a party girl in her day and even now she likes a whisky and dry ginger, but that was never me.<\/p>\n

\u201cHowever, now I was drinking. It had become a crutch which I thought was helping me to relax and unwind, something to take the edge off at the end of a busy day, but was actually making my anxiety even worse.<\/p>\n

\u201cI knew it was becoming a problem. I\u2019d developed a dependency on that evening bottle of red and I was doing all this in private, hiding the extent of my distress from my family and those around me.\u201d Her family were initially oblivious to what she was going through. No one knew how difficult I was finding life, they were completely unaware of what was going on.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt was my son<\/a> who realised first. \u2018OK, Mum,\u2019 he said, \u2018let\u2019s talk about where we can get you some help.\u201d Shirley went to see a doctor in California and says how she cried as she relayed her symptoms to him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI told him about the uncontrollable physical symptoms, the drinking, the mood swings and how some days were so horrendous that I didn\u2019t want to live,\u201d she writes. He sat there so patiently as the tears rolled down my cheeks and then he gently told me that this was all to do with my hormones, which was news to me. It was the first time I\u2019d considered that as a possible cause.\u201d Her suggested treatment was bioidentical hormone replacement therapy, which involved implanting a rice-sized pellet containing oestrogen and testosterone, which drips into the bloodstream over a period of three to six months.<\/p>\n

\"ShirleyShirley Ballas, with a picture of her brother David(Image: PA)<\/p>\n

\u201cThe change took several weeks, but over that time I felt a shift, began to feel like my old self again,\u201d she says. During this time Shirley couldn\u2019t help but think of her brother David. She writes: \u201cAs I explored the issue and talked to my mother about what my brother had battled with for much of his life until he died, it dawned on me that I\u2019d suffered similar feelings intermittently since I was a young girl.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe difference between me and David was that I\u2019d been able to cope a bit better with various situations. I had to appear strong, keep going, get to work, travel the world<\/a> and raise a family. I never had the chance to sit down and reflect on what was going on inside my head because in my industry you keep moving until you pop your clogs.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shirley says how even now she sometimes struggles, particularly with anxiety. But thanks to counselling and coping mechanisms such as meditation, she knows better times lie ahead.<\/p>\n

She writes: \u201cWhenever I have days where behind the eyes there\u2019s emptiness and all I want to do is come home, take a pill and go to bed, even now I struggle to share that with anyone. I just get through the day and hope that I wake up feeling brighter in the morning.<\/p>\n

\u201cI always trust that the darkness will pass and things will get better because history shows this to be true.<\/p>\n

\u201cHowever, what I\u2019ve found over 20 years in counselling is that you can talk about it until you\u2019re blue in the face but unless you\u2019re prepared to do something about it and unclip the baggage yourself, nothing will change. I know I\u2019ll have anxiety until the end of my days \u2013 panic attacks where my chest tightens, my heart starts racing, my body goes from cold to warm to raging hot.\u201d<\/p>\n

Talking in the book about the decision to go public with her struggles, Shirley writes: \u201cI\u2019d say to every woman, please don\u2019t suffer in silence. I can\u2019t stress enough how important it is to get your hormones checked and I wish I\u2019d asked for help sooner.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"ShirleyShirley’s new book<\/p>\n