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\n \u201cI will say that it\u2019s crazy to me that anyone is still selling my signature, because my signature must be the most devalued form of signature currency in the world. The market is flooded.\u201d
\n Photo-Illustration: Joe McKendry; Photo: Bruce Glikas\/Getty Images\n <\/p>\n
The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved comedian<\/a> to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you\u2019ll learn about Daniel Radcliffe<\/a>, the movie, television, and Tony-winning stage actor best known for playing Harry Potter. He can currently be seen playing Arthur Tobin on NBC\u2019s The Rise and Fall of Reggie Dinkins and in the one-man show Every Brilliant Thing<\/a> at the Hudson Theatre on Broadway.<\/p>\n That\u2019s when I have my main meal of the day. I don\u2019t eat well. I eat like an excited child. Especially after getting home at the end of the night from doing a play, there are very limited things that are still open. So, it\u2019s normally empanadas from Empanada Mama \u2014\u00a0really authentic cheeseburger and pizza empanadas. What else? Honestly, breakfast food is my favorite, so omelets, bacon and eggs, and anything like that that I can have late at night would probably be my preferred dinner.<\/p>\n If we\u2019re talking about a religion with God or gods, then I\u2019d be harkening back to something like the ancient Greeks had. It sounds like a lot more fun to have badly behaved gods you can tell fun stories about. But if you don\u2019t have to include gods in the religion, then it would just be a religion that, in some way, celebrates the best of people and what we can do.<\/p>\n I\u2019m fundamentally pessimistic about the idea that one person can change the world. I think what you can do is change the lives of people around you and the people you have contact with every day. So a religion that celebrates being there for the people in your life, and acts of kindness that you can affect in your community rather than something bigger and universal, is what I would aspire to.<\/p>\n Neosporin. You\u2019re always going to need Neosporin. Or maybe Band-Aids \u2014\u00a0something where you know there\u2019s a utility. You\u2019re never going to turn around and find out that \u2026 [Interrupts himself.] Well, maybe Neosporin is owned by a giant, evil megacorporation. So maybe if there\u2019s a mom-and-pop Band-Aid company I can work for, I\u2019ll find them. Who\u2019s making homemade Band-Aids in this day and age? I would like to help them.<\/p>\n The Yellowstone volcano. If you\u2019re not afraid of it, you should be. It\u2019s overdue, and when it does erupt, we might lose half of the nation. I saw a documentary about it when I was about 13, and it immediately replaced my fear of nuclear war. It\u2019s imminent in geological terms, but that could mean it could happen next year and it would be right on time, and it could happen in 10,000 or 20,000 years and it would still basically be on time. We\u2019re on borrowed time.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve just completed my first week of previews at this play that is really wonderful but quite intense. It\u2019s a one-man show but not really, because there\u2019s a ton of audience participation<\/a>. Sometimes, a thing happens where people are really worried that, in order to participate in the show, they have to be really funny or quick or something, and actually, the thing that happens onstage is you see them realize, Oh no, all we have to do is be kind. And that is actually the engine of the play. Hopefully everybody should leave the stage feeling like a bit of a hero.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not roast or crowdwork comedy. The people who are brilliant at that discipline, I watched quite a lot of them in the run up to the show. I watched people talk about their approaches to it, and I found them really interesting. There was one comedian \u2014 it was either Brennan Lee Mulligan<\/a> or Gianmarco Soresi<\/a> \u2014 who talks about a quality of listening where you are genuinely open to everything they\u2019re saying and not just picking through it for the one funny thing you want to hear. So I\u2019ve definitely taken some advice from those crowdwork guys.<\/p>\n My first thought goes to the book I\u2019m reading at the moment, which is a book by a woman called Angela Saini called The Patriarchs. She\u2019s an amazing science writer who\u2019s written two previous books, Inferior and Superior, which are both amazing reads. She has an ability to distill big, complicated topics into something digestible and clear without dumbing it down. And this one, the question the book is asking is \u201cPatriarchy: Why and how?\u201d It\u2019s a huge question, but as you go through her attempting to answer it, you kind of just get a history of patriarchy and ideas about why it has sprung up and where.<\/p>\n Other than that, I, just this morning, met Alysa Liu<\/a>, and I sent a picture of her and me to our stage managers because we had been talking about her amazing routine at work. But I just texted it with the words, \u201cGuys \u2026\u201d And I guess the picture didn\u2019t come through for a long time, so my stage managers were briefly terrified that I was about to call out of the show tonight. So the last text message I read was them going, \u201cOkay, we\u2019ve just got the picture. We now know everything\u2019s fine.\u201d But they were briefly very panicked.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know. I\u2019ve got some old books? I wish I could tell you which ones, but I actually can\u2019t remember. Sometimes you\u2019ll find a really obscure book, and the only version of it still in print is a used version on Amazon, so it was probably something like that.<\/p>\n My own brain. I don\u2019t mind listening to everybody else; it\u2019s myself that I tire of. I\u2019ll do a day of press and then I\u2019ll go home, and I will spool back over every answer I gave that day. Ultimately it\u2019s all okay and fine, but my mind will find a way to spin out about the most anodyne thing I\u2019ve said all day. There\u2019s something about doing a day of press and then going into the show at night\u00a0\u2014 the quick turnaround from being the most presentable press-forward version of myself to then being like, Okay, now we\u2019re going to do a pretty heavy monologue about suicide and depression with some audience participation.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t remember the name of this restaurant, but I was on a long road trip once in California, somewhere on the highway shortly after Big Sur, and we had been driving for hours. There had not been a single place to eat, we were all so hungry, and we had no cell service. Eventually, we found a place. It was the first restaurant for two hours. We didn\u2019t realize this, but it was like 20 minutes from a town with more restaurants, so we were like, \u201cWe\u2019ve got to stop here.\u201d And it\u2019s maybe the worst food I\u2019ve ever had in my life. It was just like an omelet or something \u2014\u00a0something where you\u2019re like, This can only go so wrong. Then it was like, Oh, no, this is somehow really bad. They just didn\u2019t have to care. There were no return customers, so they didn\u2019t have to worry about being good. I\u2019m normally pretty easy, but I vowed to never go back there again.<\/p>\n I\u2019m sure there\u2019s a few people I know who would let me crash on their couch. I\u2019ve even got some friends now who I feel like, if we as a family needed shelter and support, we could move in. My kid is, at the moment, incredibly cute, and he\u2019s a value-add to any proposition. In fact, it might be harder to get in alone at this point. They\u2019ll be like, \u201cYou have to bring your cute kid as well.\u201d I honestly think there\u2019s some people who would let us stay in perpetuity. We\u2019re pretty easy house guests, and we would find ways of pulling our weight and contributing to the environment.<\/p>\n Going back historically, I\u2019ll go for 30 Rock and just say some page in the page system. I\u2019d have played one of Kenneth\u2019s underlings that he has dominion over. Somebody gave me a box set toward the end of when we were filming Potter, and it became something I really loved, probably when I was initially in New York doing Equis and How to Succeed. So the idea that I\u2019d then be working with so much of that team almost 20 years later is so cool and unexpected.<\/p>\n I\u2019m going to do one retroactively. I have just quit smoking \u2014 not \u201cjust\u201d anymore, but I\u2019m going to talk about it, because I would like to mention this book to anybody else who\u2019s interested in quitting smoking. I smoked for 20 years pretty heavily, and I was never even thinking about quitting, and then shortly after having my son, the intrusive thoughts of my own death really helped as an incentive to quit. I was given this book that I had been told about many, many years ago called The Easy Way to Quit Smoking, by Alan Carr. It may not work for everybody, but it really worked for me.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t tell you exactly why it worked, other than describing that it did a Jedi mind trick on me. The book starts off by saying, \u201cYou will quit, and it will be immediate, enjoyable, and you will not need to use willpower.\u201d I read that and I was like, Well, that\u2019s obviously bullshit. And then it sort of was that! It\u2019s like a continual reframing of your habit. So I really cannot recommend the book enough to anybody who wants to quit. I would say that if you don\u2019t want to quit, don\u2019t, but if you want to, then it\u2019s a great thing to do it with. It\u2019s very easy to mock self-help books, but then occasionally one of them really helps.<\/p>\n I suppose some great writer or artist, but actually most of those writers are probably really neurotic, so you probably wouldn\u2019t want to spend that much time in their brains. Honestly, when you said \u201cconsciousness,\u201d the first person who came to my head was Timothy Leary, because I was like, He\u2019d be on a lot of acid, and that would be interesting. I\u2019ve never done LSD, so this will be a way of doing it without doing it. He was probably really good at doing it.<\/p>\n Actually, can I do an animal? I would like to explore the consciousness of a really chill dog. That actually sounds much better. I wouldn\u2019t want to swap with a human if I could avoid it.<\/p>\n Can I say \u201cnothing\u201d? Not that I\u2019ve been perfect in the last week, but nothing\u2019s jumping out. I\u2019m looking back at my texts to see if there\u2019s anybody that I might have said something stupid to, but no, I think I\u2019m good for the last week.<\/p>\n I\u2019m jealous of my son\u2019s ability to live in the moment, and all almost-3-year-olds\u2019 ability to be completely emotionally present wherever they are and not really worry about the future too much. When he is watching 101 Dalmatians, he is the happiest person on earth. It could be that, or when he\u2019s coloring, or when he\u2019s playing with his stuffed animals \u2014 whatever he\u2019s doing, he\u2019s just there for it. There is something really cool and weird about having a kid, where they simultaneously make you a lot better at being present and in the moment with them, but also you start worrying about things that are not going to be an actual worry for 20 years. You start worrying about the rest of their lives.<\/p>\n Three, maybe? I\u2019ve dyed it black in a couple of things that I\u2019ve done, and when I was 7 or 8, I went to a costume party as Keith Flint, the drummer from Prodigy. I spiked my hair up and sprayed it red, which is still, to this day, the coolest I have ever looked.<\/p>\n Obviously New Zealand. I\u2019m sure that\u2019s on everyone\u2019s list, but I got to make a movie there once, and it\u2019s a truly delightful country. I would also say Nova Scotia in Canada. I ended up living there for three summers in a row because my partner was making a show there, and it\u2019s one of those places in the world that I will always have a huge affection for. It\u2019s beautiful, the people are lovely and friendly, and everything that everyone says about Canadians I\u2019ve found to be generally true. If you haven\u2019t been, it\u2019s like Ireland but with beautiful weather in the summer.<\/p>\n You can learn how not to be from people you don\u2019t like. When I would see actors on set behaving badly, and then I would watch how the crew were affected by their bad behavior and how people talk about them, that was always a lesson as a young person of, Right, okay, you don\u2019t want to be like that. I realize not everybody has a good memory for names, but if you\u2019re not even trying \u2014 if you\u2019re three months into a four-month shoot and you\u2019re still being like, \u201cClapper loader, move over there\u201d \u2014 if you don\u2019t know people\u2019s names, that\u2019s fine, but you should be a little bit embarrassed about it. You could be like, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry I don\u2019t know your name, but could you \u2026\u201d You don\u2019t even have to start with an apology, but you can do it in some sort of a nice way!<\/p>\n Coffee, and yes.<\/p>\n I got to go to the Super Bowl recently, and there\u2019s something about the pure joy of watching people move from a state of being unaware of it to realizing that they are on the Jumbotron. It\u2019s one of my favorite moments to witness in people\u2019s lives: watching somebody stand there, and then somebody else lean in and tap them to point it out, and then they start freaking out. Of course, it\u2019s been ruined now because of the Coldplay concert<\/a>. We can no longer enjoy Jumbotrons in the same way, because we will always be worried we might be watching the end of two marriages. We don\u2019t have Jumbotron kiss-cam culture in the U.K. so much, and it is something we miss out on.<\/p>\n We mentioned it earlier: roast comedy. And some people are brilliant at it, but anytime there\u2019s any kind of audience participation where somebody gets up and is just being humiliated, I\u2019m like, Get me out of here. I hate this so much.<\/p>\n All of these positive questions are just going to be about my kid. I think there\u2019s something particular about a son to his father. He\u2019s always going to be cute and cuddly with his mom; that\u2019s going to persist for a long time. But I know that, as his dad, there\u2019ll probably be a time when he\u2019s like, \u201cOh, you don\u2019t need to hug me.\u201d So I feel like, at the moment, him still being cuddly and cute and hugging me and all that stuff \u2014 especially knowing that it\u2019s probably going to go at some point \u2014 is very beautiful.<\/p>\n My own handwriting. It\u2019s legible; it\u2019s just ugly. I remember on the first day of filming Harry Potter, some people had brought in books, and I was signing them, and the producer said, \u201cYou need to make that signature shorter.\u201d I was like, \u201cNo, I can\u2019t just do initials. There could be loads of people with my initials, D.R.\u201d And I do wish I had taken his advice, because that would have saved me some time over the years. But I just write my whole name still.<\/p>\n I will say that it\u2019s crazy to me that anyone is still selling my signature, because my signature must be the most devalued form of signature currency in the world. The market is flooded. It\u2019s been out there for 25 years, since I was 10 or 11, and it has never changed. I sign for a lot of professional autograph hunters, and I\u2019m always fascinated: How much can this even be getting you now? <\/p>\n I\u2019ll just be honest here and say that having grown up as a child actor who became very, very fortunate and came into a lot of money when I was young has probably meant that I am not the best at estimating how much money it actually takes to live your life. But definitely less than I have now. I\u2019m sure I could stop working now, but I really enjoy working. I love the jobs I get to do, so I don\u2019t want to stop working, but I\u2019m sure I could just retire and hang out with my kid every day now, which I will want to do at some point. But then there\u2019ll be a time when he doesn\u2019t want to hang out with me, and I\u2019ll have to get back to work again.<\/p>\n There\u2019s been a couple of times in my life that I\u2019ve done something very stupid.\u00a0I accidentally drank anti-freeze once when I was in a trailer in Canada. I was doing a movie in Vancouver called Horns<\/a>. I had large prosthetic horns on my face, and I chugged a glass of water. I started feeling incredibly sick, a doctor had to come in, and I had to get fully examined while still in my horn prosthetics. And because I thought I had just drunk water, when they were asking me, \u201cWhat caused this?\u201d I had no idea why I was suddenly cramping and vomiting. It was rough.<\/p>\n And then, a week later, I was in a different trailer, and I went to fill up a glass with water, and somebody was like, \u201cWhoa, what are you doing? You cannot drink the water in these trailers!\u201d I was like, \u201cOh, that\u2019s probably what did that to me last week then.\u201d And later on, someone told me that, apparently, there\u2019s signs all over the trailers that I just hadn\u2019t read.<\/p>\n So it may very well be my own stupidity.<\/p>\n