{"id":465184,"date":"2026-05-02T15:51:11","date_gmt":"2026-05-02T15:51:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/465184\/"},"modified":"2026-05-02T15:51:11","modified_gmt":"2026-05-02T15:51:11","slug":"therapy-advice-i-finally-got-my-wife-to-go-to-therapy-but-shes-refusing-to-share-her-life-ruining-problem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/465184\/","title":{"rendered":"Therapy advice: I finally got my wife to go to therapy. But she\u2019s refusing to share her life-ruining problem."},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column. For this edition, Rebecca Onion,\u00a0a Slate senior writer, will be filling in as Prudie.\u00a0Submit questions here.<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0(It\u2019s anonymous!)<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My lovely wife recently started therapy. The sessions seem to be going well, but I feel she is avoiding talking about a very serious problem.<\/p>\n

She suffers from unbelievable decision paralysis. For instance, this morning she spent over an hour trying to choose between six possible descriptions of the organization she works for on a drop-down menu on a website. It\u2019s something that plays out across all choices. Ordering at a restaurant takes two servers, the tables next to us, and about two hours of discussion. It\u2019s a known problem, a source of conflict between us, and \u2026 she hasn\u2019t mentioned it to her therapist and won\u2019t discuss it. Apparently, I am the \u201conly one who has a problem with it.\u201d Several of her former managers would politely disagree. How can I get her to try to address this? Should I?<\/p>\n

\u2014Choices Choices<\/p>\n

Dear Choices,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Two hours of menu discussion before ordering? Is this a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode? Surely you embroider! (Servers, write in and tell us: Have you ever had anyone take this long to order? If so, what\u2019s your recourse? Now I\u2019m curious.)<\/p>\n

I would be frustrated, too\u2014beyond the immediate impact on your life, it\u2019s so annoying to watch someone refuse to acknowledge an obvious issue, especially when it sounds like she may have already experienced a dose of what parents call \u201cnatural consequences,\u201d from her previous managers, without changing her ways. Even so, I don\u2019t think you can \u201cget\u201d her to bring it up at therapy, nor do you need to. Her paralysis around choice is probably one indicator of some much larger underlying issue (anxiety disorder? depression? OCD?) You\u2019re worried that if your wife doesn\u2019t say anything, she and the therapist will miss the chance to \u201cfix\u201d the issue, but I think \u201ctaking years to pick a paint color for the living room\u201d is unlikely to be the sole manifestation of whatever\u2019s going on with her, and I bet the therapist (if they\u2019re any good!) is seeing the patterns. Hopefully your wife and the therapist will work their way to the root cause eventually, and whatever next steps they choose to take will have the downstream benefit of helping with this issue.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My sister-in-law lives across the country from us, and she complains that my husband and I don\u2019t visit. She is childless and has had minimal expenses for the last five years because she was living with her parents and not paying for rent, food, etc. Our 5-year-old daughter is autistic, and it\u2019s very challenging to travel with her, so we tend to ask visitors to come to us.<\/p>\n

We are finally visiting soon to humor his parents, who visit regularly and have asked us to come., But I\u2019m resentful because this feels like we are giving in to the SIL, who makes zero effort to connect with her niece. What bothers me most is that the SIL posts pictures once a month of our child on her social media, yet she never makes an effort to visit or even connect with her in other ways. She doesn\u2019t ask to FaceTime, send letters, or even text us to ask about what her niece has been doing. We have an ongoing group chat with my husband\u2019s family, but I don\u2019t want to provide pictures to her lately because I feel so resentful. Can I say something about how much this hurts, or does it need to come from my husband? Is it even worth saying anything at all, or has she made her priorities clear, and I need to live with that?<\/p>\n

\u2014Wishing for an Involved Aunt<\/p>\n

Dear Wishing, <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cPosts kid pics on socials but never offers any support\u201d is a very common complaint about relatives I hear from parents with small children. \u201cDoesn\u2019t understand how difficult it\u2019s going to be for us to get on a plane\u201d is another one. In your case, given your daughter\u2019s autism, constant petitions for you to travel provoke a deeper question: Does your sister-in-law truly grasp that your daughter\u2019s neurodivergence means she might have different needs from other kids? Since she doesn\u2019t bother to text to inquire about your family life, or FaceTime to chat with your daughter, she might not! I wonder if you\u2019re feeling particularly chafed by this pattern of behavior, for this very reason.<\/p>\n

Regardless, I don\u2019t think there\u2019s much you can do. You\u2019re visiting for the sake of his more-involved parents, and that plan is already made. It\u2019s annoying that she\u2019s going to benefit from it, but you can, in your heart, hold a glowing coal of spite, at which you can periodically warm your hands, thinking: This isn\u2019t for her. I will never visit just for her. Other than that, I don\u2019t think much would happen if you were to confront her, or even if your husband did. Some people are just disappointing grandparents, aunts, and uncles, who don\u2019t step up for their younger relatives the way you\u2019d hope. You can count yourself lucky you weren\u2019t counting on her for childcare.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

About a year and a half ago, a friend of mine was getting married several states away and was kind enough to invite me. We weren\u2019t super close anymore, but it still meant a lot to me that she wanted me there, so my husband and I planned to fly out for the event. Fast-forward to about a week before the wedding, and I unfortunately experienced a miscarriage at eight weeks. We\u2019ve been struggling with infertility for several years, and this miscarriage was both extremely physically and emotionally painful.<\/p>\n

Amid all the turmoil, I never reached out and explained the situation to my friend, and she never reached out to see why I didn\u2019t make it. Now, after some time and lots of therapy, I\u2019m recognizing that I probably did a shitty thing by never explaining myself or sending a gift or card. We haven\u2019t spoken at all since. Is it worth reaching out and telling her what happened? Should I just accept that the friendship is over? Do I send a card now?<\/p>\n

\u2014Better Late Than Never?<\/p>\n

Dear Better,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n
    \n This Content is Available for Slate Plus members only<\/p>\n

    I Suspected My Girlfriend Was Texting With an Ex. What I Found Was So Much Worse Than That.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I\u2019m so sorry this happened. It makes complete sense to me that, in the middle of everything, you wouldn\u2019t have had it together to write to your friend. It also makes some sense to me that your friend didn\u2019t email or text after her wedding to see why you didn\u2019t come. The leadup and comedown from a wedding of any size is pretty hectic. She probably just plain forgot, especially since you were the kind of invitee who wasn\u2019t a part of her daily life anymore, though she was clearly still fond of you\u2014hence, the invitation.<\/p>\n

    If it\u2019s bothering you, I think it\u2019s definitely worth reaching out. I would send an email, explaining everything to whatever depth you\u2019re comfortable, and simultaneously send a card by mail, with a gift, if logistically possible. (I\u2019m not sure how far out from the event you are\u2014their registry may be offline by now. But a gift card is always nice.) That way, you\u2019ve done the deeper emotional work in the more immediate medium of email, where she may reply as a friend, and also fulfilled the duty of the wedding guest by sending a present.<\/p>\n

    If she never replies, you\u2019ve got your answer to the question \u201cIs this friendship over?\u201d If it\u2019s over, it won\u2019t be because of you! But I bet she will\u2026<\/p>\n

    Catch up on this week\u2019s Prudie.<\/a> <\/p>\n

    More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n

    My wife and I have been in a relationship for 25 years and recently decided to \u201copen\u201d our relationship. I have never cheated but, possibly like most people, often wanted to. I don\u2019t know if I have engaged in self-sabotage to avoid it or am just terrible at seduction, or a little of both, but I haven\u2019t.\u00a0I have long wanted to open our relationship but never brought it up because I thought she wouldn\u2019t go for it, or even want to have the conversation.<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column. For this edition, Rebecca Onion,\u00a0a Slate senior writer, will be filling in…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":465185,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[276],"tags":[3500,91000,18,204315,135,19,17,167,502,4638],"class_list":{"0":"post-465184","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mental-health","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-dear-prudence","10":"tag-eire","11":"tag-featured-rubric","12":"tag-health","13":"tag-ie","14":"tag-ireland","15":"tag-mental-health","16":"tag-mentalhealth","17":"tag-slate-plus"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@ie\/116505784205164163","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/465184","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=465184"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/465184\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/465185"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=465184"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=465184"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=465184"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}