Urban Dictionary<\/a> gets a little more specific, tying the term to promiscuity (perhaps it\u2019s a distant relative of Kim Richards\u2019 \u201cslut pig\u201d insult). And who said reality television wasn\u2019t educational? Thanks to Bravo, we are citizens of the world \u2014 or at least the corners of the world that have their own Real Housewives cast.<\/p>\nBut there\u2019s a whole episode to get into before we arrive at Rosie\u2019s vocabulary lesson. First things first, Alicia is determined to get over \u2014 or at least work on \u2014 her fear of driving, because her daughter has dance classes five days a week that she needs to be able to drive her to. \u201cThat bridge is, like, crazy,\u201d she says of the most daunting part of the route, but when we ultimately reached the bridge, I laughed out loud. She spoke about it like it was a Looney Tunes-esque rinky-dink rope bridge, but lo and behold, it\u2019s barely an overpass. I love her, and was thrilled to see her conquer that tiny bridge.<\/p>\n
As for what the rest of the cast is up to, fresh off the heels of their cast trip? Kelsey is moving into her new apartment with the help of her mom and sister, both of whom are rocked by the news that her sugar daddy is still paying just about all of her bills. Meanwhile, Ashley is the only Real Housewife in history to want her husband to be on Instagram more, since it would make more money for Jared than their coffee shop does. Why he insists on working in the service industry when he could just be posting thirst traps for a living, I\u2019ll never understand. And speaking of working, Liz and Dolores head off to the weed edible factory for a little stoner Lucy and Ethel moment.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, after digging deeper into her traumatic childhood with Alicia last week, Jo-Ellen sits down with her mom to finally talk about the pain she put her through as a kid. While her mother does apologize \u201cif\u201d she hurt Jo-Ellen, saying she didn\u2019t do it intentionally, it doesn\u2019t necessarily seem like the severity of the situation completely clicks with her. She also blames it on how she herself was raised, saying that her own mother didn\u2019t show love, and tells a story of bleeding and her mother being more worried about the carpet. She let that cycle continue, but Jo-Ellen says she was determined to break it. It seems like Jo-Ellen\u2019s sister, Jen, is the key to bridging this relationship. She\u2019s present for the conversation, but in a way that shows support for each side, and almost has to act as the translator to get them both to understand where the other is coming from. Thankfully, Jen is excellent at that unenviable job, and Jo-Ellen and her mom are able to end the conversation on a positive note that points toward forgiveness.<\/p>\n
In even better news for Jo-Ellen, she doesn\u2019t have to be the one to confront Rulla with that new video evidence of her husband\u2019s affair. That being said, I still don\u2019t fully understand why that mission has been assigned to Alicia of all people, but here we are. She somehow pulled the short straw, and despite having no desire to do so whatsoever, Alicia has to break the news. But she wants to get a temperature check on the current state of their relationship before she does so, so she and Billy get dinner with Rulla and Brian. And would you believe that Rulla didn\u2019t even call out sick! Thankfully, she has recovered from the mysterious ailment that kept her from the Newport trip, but we do get a great photo of her in leopard print pajamas in a hospital bed, with her face dramatically covered in a very Vicki Gunvalson-like fashion.<\/p>\n
Most of the conversation at dinner is about Brian\u2019s work as a doctor, specifically how they\u2019re able to benefit from cosmetic procedures. \u201cHere I am getting fat off the pizza restaurants, at least you get Botox,\u201d Alicia says, before Brian goes on an in-depth digression about using all of these different products and medicines on himself for cosmetic reasons. \u201cThis is incredible information,\u201d an awestruck Alicia says, and you can almost see her taking mental notes of everything Brian\u2019s rattling off. Meanwhile, I thought he was a foot doctor?<\/p>\n
In any case, he\u2019s an odd duck. When his phone chimes, he asks Rulla for permission to use the bathroom, but when he comes back, he says he had a work call. Nothing gets past Alicia, though, who notes the discrepancy in her confessional. Then, he takes it upon himself to tell the story of how he and Rulla first met, which isn\u2019t nearly as charming as he seems to think it is. He explains that when he was ordering them drinks, he was telling the bartender to give her doubles. \u201cIt worked out pretty well,\u201d he said, grossly. It\u2019s a story for a prosecutor, not for television. Then, to wrap it up, he starts explaining that he eats his steaks medium-well because of how much they remind him of foot surgery. All in all, he\u2019s such a little weirdo, and the dinner is so bizarre that Alicia is too thrown to even try to bring up the video situation \u2014 so that\u2019s a story for another day.<\/p>\n
But in addition to that video, the cast\u2019s Newport trip also brought about the hope of peace between Kelsey and Rosie. In fact, they seem so ready to move forward and give their friendship another shot that Rosie is going to have Kelsey do her hair again \u2014 but this time with a tag on Instagram. Is it the smartest move to kick off this new chapter by doing the very thing that led to the feud in the first place? Perhaps not, but they\u2019re both hopeful, and both intend to make light of their silly drama. For Rosie\u2019s part, she leaves out the blueprints to her house, along with a tape measure, so Kelsey can check out the square footage for herself.<\/p>\n
As for Kelsey, she decides to poke fun at the situation by pulling up to Rosie\u2019s house with her car\u2019s siren blaring and broadcasting that the \u201chouse police\u201d has arrived. Both bits seem cute and just self-depricating enough to finally put this to bed. But before she even gets out of the car, it\u2019s clear that this didn\u2019t play the way she had intended it to. The joke only confused Rosie, who is instantly annoyed and says, \u201cI live in a very nice community with a no siren ordinance.\u201d But here\u2019s what I\u2019m stuck on: why the hell does Kelsey\u2019s car have a siren in the first place? Call me crazy, but I would have imagined that it\u2019s fully illegal for civilian cars to be equipped with sirens, right? Then again, they\u2019ve got Alicia running stop signs and hitting pedestrians, so maybe an illegal siren is the least of Rhode Island\u2019s worries.<\/p>\n
Because that attempt to bust balls and make light of the situation awkwardly didn\u2019t land, shit hits the fan almost immediately. They each interpret one another\u2019s jokes as outright digs, which instantly reignites the fight within seconds. Rosie calls Kelsey out for obsessing over her square footage despite not even having a house of her own, and wonders what she ever did to be the recipient of so much ire. \u201cI\u2019m sorry I called you a fucking polygamist at a picnic,\u201d Rosie exclaims, crafting one of the most beautifully rich sentences I\u2019ve ever heard. Soon enough, it\u2019s a full-on screaming match, a gorgeous cacophony of anger and insult. \u201cSucking dick is not a fucking career bitch,\u201d Rosie tells Kelsey, before adding that the only thing she has accomplished \u2014 her pageant title \u2014 was bought for her by her sugar daddy bribing the judges.<\/p>\n
Before Kelsey can even unpack her blowdryer, Rosie takes hold of her bag and kicks her out of the house \u2014 pushing her out the door and slamming it on her until a producer steps in to control what has quickly become a physical altercation. Then Kelsey performs one of my absolute favorite moves in the Housewives book: she re-enters a home she\u2019s just been kicked out of. But in fairness, she has an important clarification to make, and shouts up to Rosie that she won her pageant fair and square. It\u2019s then that we get what is sure to be an instant classic in the Housewives lexicon: Rosie shouting down the stairs to Kelsey that she\u2019s a \u201cslam pig.\u201d The hope of peace was gone as quickly as it arrived, and I think it goes without saying that these two will only be friends when slam pigs fly.<\/p>\n
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Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.<\/p>\n
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