{"id":495408,"date":"2026-05-21T07:19:10","date_gmt":"2026-05-21T07:19:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/495408\/"},"modified":"2026-05-21T07:19:10","modified_gmt":"2026-05-21T07:19:10","slug":"rivals-the-irish-times-has-banned-any-more-sex-talk-so-let-me-just-say-mirrored-meat-propellers-the-irish-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/495408\/","title":{"rendered":"Rivals: The Irish Times has banned any more sex talk. So let me just say \u2018mirrored meat propellers\u2019 \u2013 The Irish Times"},"content":{"rendered":"

Due to the filth<\/a> I wrote about sexy shows on the telly in last week\u2019s column, the governors of the trust<\/a> that oversees The Irish Times held a special meeting. They decided I was being far too sexy. They are now permitting me to write about the excellent Jilly Cooper<\/a> adaptation Rivals (Disney+)<\/a> only if I focus on the intricacies of local-television franchising in the 1980s and not \u201cshenanigans\u201d*, \u201ctomfoolery\u201d* or \u201chigh jinks\u201d* (*riding, *riding and more *riding).<\/p>\n

With this in mind they have suggested that I dispense with the \u201cintimate\u201d parts of Rivals in the first few paragraphs, just to get them out of the way. So here goes.<\/p>\n

When a mummy, a daddy, a daddy\u2019s business partner, a cigar-chomping business aristocrat, a morning-show presenter, a priapic MP, a sexy American ladyboss, a romance novelist, a simple young ingenue (much like myself) who is vulnerable to seduction (guilty as charged!), a polo team, several topless farmers and the actor Danny Dyer all love each other very much, they make luuurve.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s the last we\u2019ll be saying about that sort of thing* (*rumpy-pumpy, nude horseplay, hotchamatchotcha, the footman\u2019s strange pastime, jiggery-pokery). Of course, some of you subscribe to our more risqu\u00e9 small-hours edition, Irish Times Nites (aka Irish Times After Dark, aka Irish Times: Gentleman\u2019s Pleasure), and those of you from that sector of our readership will still be getting the dirty bits in parentheses at the end of the relevant lines. (In this news organisation we really like to service all of our readers, if you know what I mean.)<\/p>\n

But for the rest of you it\u2019s going to be straight-up business chat. <\/p>\n

The Irish Times Trust wishes me to consider how Lord Baddingham (David Tennant<\/a>) has structured his company (The Irish Times has solid shopkeeper roots, after all), the realities of international electronics tariffs in the 1980s (the trust believes computerisation is a fad; that\u2019s why we got rid of online comments) and the foibles of the British Tory party in the waning days of Margaret Thatcher\u2019s government, particularly the branch represented by Alex Hassell\u2019s philandering aristocrat Rupert Campbell-Black. (We do see a lot of Rupert Campbell-Black\u2019s impressive branch.) <\/p>\n

When we left them at the end of the first series, Cameron Cook (Nafessa Williams), the go-getting American executive, was belting Lord Baddingham across the head with a trophy and leaving him for dead in his office. Meanwhile, Rupert Campbell-Black was off seducing the seduction-prone ingenue, who is getting more naive and wide-eyed with each passing week. (The same is happening to me.)<\/p>\n

Spoiler alert: Lord Baddingham is fine. He has a bandage now. <\/p>\n

Meanwhile, Cameron and Rupert are in hiding, fearful that Cameron will be arrested for lord-bashing. They have many special business meetings while on the lam and across the first few episodes. Sometimes Cameron takes the lead in the businessing. And sometimes Rupert does. Sometimes they have business meetings in a stable while clutching a riding crop. Sometimes they even have business meetings standing up at a mirror (which hurts my back just thinking about it).<\/p>\n

All the other characters are at a big pool party. We\u2019re introduced to two new ones, hunky polo-playing twins. They are naked, presumably because England is very warm. When they jump in a pool we get a sort of visual stereo effect that many of you will think of often in your later years but about which I cannot go into detail because of the interference of the trust. Let me just say the words \u201cmirrored meat propellers\u201d.<\/p>\n

\"BigBig issues: Victoria Smurfit as Maud O’Hara and Aidan Turner as Declan O’Hara in Rivals. Photograph: Robert Viglasky\/Disney <\/p>\n

Later, top TV presenter Declan O\u2019Hara (Irish double agent Aidan Turner) is trying to work on his marital issues with his actor wife, Maud (fellow Celtic provocateur Victoria Smurfit). He works on them real good. They start working on their issues in the shower (presumably to save water \u2013 it\u2019s the 1980s), but soon they end up by the fire. <\/p>\n

At one point Maud puts her finger on a particular issue and Declan makes a surprised face that says, \u201cOh, you\u2019ve really given me something to think about!\u201d But we can\u2019t really hear him over the thrusting saxophone. <\/p>\n

Is Rivals eligible for the Golden Globes? If so, Turner should get two, gaffer-taped together. It\u2019s a really probing scene. In many ways it\u2019s quite refreshing to see a man having his \u201cissues\u201d worked on in such a fashion. I suspect, indeed, many people watching at home are inspired to work on their own issues while watching. Not me. I\u2019m in an open-plan office.<\/p>\n

Anyway, O\u2019Hara ends up standing nudely in a corridor with a packet of Crunchy Nut cornflakes covering his \u201carea\u201d. Will this encourage an increase in sales for this tasty breakfast cereal? Possibly for the readers of Irish Times Nites, the filthmongers. You know what they\u2019re like.<\/p>\n

[\u00a0Aidan Turner: \u2018I\u2019d be sitting in the trailer going, \u2018God Almighty. Can you just give me a cop drama?\u2019\u2019Opens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

Rivals continues in this fashion. Lord Baddingham tricks Cameron into coming back to work for him at his TV company, Corinium. Cameron tricks Lord Baddingham in turn. We see the bucolic countryside. Look at the rolling hills, the clefts, the stately pines standing tall and firm. We see hunks of different sorts having a game of polo, a fascinating game in which the aristocracy trick a horse into playing hockey. <\/p>\n

Rupert\u2019s wife, played by Hayley Atwell, turns up, accompanied by their terrible children. Rupert is torn between two-to-three-possibly-four lovers, feeling like a fool. The terrible children do not approve of his business meetings with Cameron.<\/p>\n

Lord Baddingham vows to destroy Rupert and eventually produces an expos\u00e9 of him on his television channel. It reveals his propensity to have business meetings with all sorts of women, sometimes several at a time, with PowerPoint and everything. There is a shot of the back of Margaret Thatcher\u2019s head. (I know for many readers of Irish Times Nites this is the most erotic shot of all.) We can tell she\u2019s disappointed.<\/p>\n

Danny Dyer explores his Pinterian roots as Freddie Jones, an upwardly mobile entrepreneur with a heart (as opposed to globes) of gold. <\/p>\n

Lord Baddingham hires O\u2019Hara\u2019s wife for one of his projects in an attempt to anger O\u2019Hara. O\u2019Hara\u2019s moustache twitches, approaching sentience. More issues are worked on, vigorously, energetically, acrobatically.<\/p>\n

More business meetings occur in which people take all sorts of positions, each more surprising and athletic than the last. There are more sad eyes from the ingenue. (As an ingenue myself I know her simple-hearted pain.) There\u2019s a whole set-piece in which people are hiding in cupboards like sitcom characters. There are lots of Golden Globes. It\u2019s a goddamned planetarium of globes, to be honest with you. (By globes I mean, of course, arses.)<\/p>\n

There is lots of classic 1980s music on the soundtrack, which means we get the first Joy Division\u2013Jilly Cooper collaboration that I\u2019m aware of. (The world is, in many ways, a Joy Division\u2013Jilly Cooper mash-up.) <\/p>\n

Whenever Lord Baddingham is on screen, on the other hand, scary opera music plays. Something similar happens when my editor heaves into view. You know, sometimes I think Lord Baddingham isn\u2019t a good person. He\u2019s probably not someone to be emulated when I acquire a sexy television franchise in 1980s Great Britain. And, please God, someday I will.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Due to the filth I wrote about sexy shows on the telly in last week\u2019s column, the governors…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":495409,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[75],"tags":[71994,21641,13050,38848,18,117,19,17,66703,140801,91650,12474,208572],"class_list":["post-495408","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-aidan-turner","tag-danny-dyer","tag-david-tennant","tag-disney-plus","tag-eire","tag-entertainment","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-jilly-cooper","tag-joy-division","tag-margaret-thatcher","tag-patrick-freyne","tag-victoria-smurfit"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@ie\/116611355431913182","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/495408","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=495408"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/495408\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/495409"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=495408"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=495408"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=495408"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}