{"id":539777,"date":"2026-06-17T11:41:08","date_gmt":"2026-06-17T11:41:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/539777\/"},"modified":"2026-06-17T11:41:08","modified_gmt":"2026-06-17T11:41:08","slug":"retirement-advice-weve-saved-20-million-its-time-to-live-our-lives-to-the-fullest-my-partner-has-a-different-idea","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/539777\/","title":{"rendered":"Retirement advice: We’ve saved $20 million. It’s time to live our lives to the fullest. My partner has a different idea."},"content":{"rendered":"

Sign up for the Slatest<\/a> to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0Submit questions here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My partner and I have done well with saving and have $20 million evenly split between us. We maintain separate finances (my choice). I semi-retired last year and am enjoying life\u2014doing a bit of consultancy work to keep me busy. He is still working a very high-stress job, but doesn\u2019t want to stop working. He is very frugal, as am I, but he is obsessed with \u201cnot having enough money for retirement.\u201d<\/p>\n

We are both in our late 50s. The house is paid off. We have no debt at all. He doesn\u2019t spend money on anything except for house repairs and essentials. How can I get him to understand that we have more than enough and we should be enjoying life? I come from extreme poverty. He was raised very comfortably in the upper middle class.<\/p>\n

\u2014When Is Enough Enough?<\/p>\n

Dear Enough,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Excuse me, did you say $20 million? And did you say partner, not husband? You say you\u2019re enjoying life, but do I also hear an inkling that he\u2019s holding you back? I don\u2019t care whether you end the relationship or not, but you can\u2019t let him keep you from having the time of your life.<\/p>\n

Call up one or two of your closest friends. Make a list of places in the world you\u2019d like to visit. Buy a new wardrobe for the trip\u2014and go. Leave your partner a list of things to repair around the house if he has time, and tell him you\u2019ll see him later. When you come back, and he wants to go collect the leftover pizza someone is giving away on NextDoor for dinner and watch something on a streaming service with commercials because he won\u2019t pay for premium, maybe you\u2019ll have missed him a bit as well after scratching your own itch for adventure, and his approach to work and life won\u2019t seem as bad.<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I grew up with parents who fought all the time, but kept assuring me that everything was OK and this was normal for families\u2014until it wasn\u2019t, and they got divorced. We\u2019ve all been really intentional about communicating our feelings since then, and I can definitely say that we\u2019re in a much healthier place than we were. Case in point, my mom has gained a really wonderful, new husband. The two of them only fight rarely, and when they do disagree, they do everything right: communicating, taking time to cool off, speaking privately, and not taking their feelings out on me, and mutually affirming how much they love and respect each other, no matter what.<\/p>\n

Right now, the problem is me. I\u2019m a young adult, but whenever I\u2019m home, it still stresses me the hell out whenever voices get raised. Even though I logically know that things are better and are being handled appropriately, I can\u2019t shake the feeling of being a 5-year-old waiting in my room, wondering if I did something wrong.<\/p>\n

To be fair, they know I\u2019m affected and make sure to check on me and let me know they\u2019re OK. But I\u2019m torn between wanting to be open about these feelings and wanting to be able to maturely handle them on my own. It\u2019s a bit embarrassing to be a stress crier as an adult, and it shouldn\u2019t be their responsibility to comfort me when THEY\u2019RE having a problem, right? It\u2019s not like I can just ask them to never disagree. So how do I respond to these feelings independently? Is there a way I can acknowledge \u201cYeah, I\u2019m going through something\u201d to them without making it all about me?<\/p>\n

\u2014Can\u2019t Help Overhearing<\/p>\n

Dear Can\u2019t Help Overhearing,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sounds to me like you have nothing to be embarrassed about, as your mom and stepdad are really understanding. When they check in with you after a disagreement, you could say something like, \u201cThanks, I admit I did get a little upset, but I\u2019m pretty sure it has to do with the way I felt about hearing a lot of fighting when I was a little kid. I know you two are fine and have a healthy relationship.\u201d Maybe saying it out loud could help convince you.<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t believe yourself and there is a little 5-year-old voice in your head saying, \u201cBut what if they get divorced just like mom and dad did?\u201d you could go through the exercise of thinking about that worst-case scenario and how it would feel to you. I\u2019m sure you\u2019d be sad for your mom and disappointed, but you live on your own now, so your life wouldn\u2019t be derailed. I imagine you\u2019re not extremely attached to your stepdad, as much as you think he\u2019s a good guy. If you would be really torn up, you can make a plan. Will you see a therapist (it goes without saying that it wouldn\u2019t hurt to see one about this, regardless!)? Plan a getaway with your mom? Write about it? Perhaps telling yourself that a split really might happen (it\u2019s true, it might!) could make you realize that while it wouldn\u2019t feel great to any of you, the feelings it would bring up are nothing to be terrified of.<\/p>\n

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!<\/p>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a>\u00a0Or submit a question here.<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband and I have a 26-year-old daughter, \u201cAnalise,\u201d who recently announced her engagement to two men, \u201cJacob\u201d and \u201cNathan.\u201d I would be lying if I said I wasn\u2019t initially taken aback, but I\u2019ve met her future \u201chusbands,\u201d and they are both kind, lovely people. More importantly, Analise is very happy with them, so that\u2019s enough for me.<\/p>\n

My husband, however, is a much different story. He thinks what Analise is doing is \u201cdisgusting,\u201d but that\u2019s not the worst of it. We set aside $25,000 each for Analise and her younger sister to spend on their weddings when they get married. Now my husband says Analise can forget it. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s right to renege on a promised gift just because he doesn\u2019t approve of her relationships. It has really turned into a sticking point between us. What can I do to convince my husband that he is being unfair to Analise?<\/p>\n

\u2014Trio Troubles<\/p>\n

Dear Trio Troubles,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Assuming you both have access to your bank account, you could dole out the $25,000 to Analise, Jacob, and Nathan in the way you initially planned to, and your husband can have the burden of trying to convince you it was a mistake. As the person who wants to change the agreed-upon plan, he\u2019s the one who should be scrambling to justify his position here. But of course, that\u2019s the drastic option. The bargaining position you should start with is actually that the throuple should get one third more cash than your other child, because there are more people involved, and there will probably be more guests. Then you two can meet in the middle.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jen\u00e9e Desmond-Harris
\n My Girlfriend\u2019s Post-Work Ritual Is Ruining My Life. And Maybe Hers, Too.
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    My Grandson Dressed His New Baby in a Very Offensive Outfit. It Felt Oddly Targeted \u2026 At Me!
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    When it comes to the broader question of his mindset about this relationship, it\u2019s probably not worth your energy to try to convince him that it\u2019s good for Analise to marry two men. If he\u2019s already at \u201cdisgusting,\u201d he\u2019s probably not going to get to \u201ccelebratory.\u201d But maybe you make the case to him that he needs to be strategic about getting what he wants. He obviously loves Analise. If he didn\u2019t, he wouldn\u2019t care who she married. And he clearly has a vision of a future that includes a relationship with her. If he didn\u2019t, none of this would matter to him at all. So the main point for you to highlight is that this isn\u2019t a choice between Analise having a traditional marriage and Analise being part of a triad. Your husband\u2019s options are having a daughter whom he talks to and sees, or having a daughter who becomes estranged from him. Encourage him to keep his eye on the prize of not getting cut off and maintaining contact with her. Maybe, over time, he\u2019ll embrace the fact that he\u2019s gained two sons\u2014and even appreciate it! Or at least not waste his energy hating it.<\/p>\n

    Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

    Before we started going out, my husband was in a long-term relationship with a woman with a pretty unique name. They haven\u2019t kept in touch. Now, I\u2019m pregnant with our first child (a girl, due in the spring). He would like to name her the same thing as his ex\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":539778,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[177],"tags":[3500,79,25013,91000,18,19,17,234,235],"class_list":["post-539777","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-personal-finance","tag-advice","tag-business","tag-dating-and-relationships","tag-dear-prudence","tag-eire","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-personal-finance","tag-personalfinance"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/539777","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=539777"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/539777\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/539778"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=539777"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=539777"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=539777"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}