![\"Shane](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/SPPLALCM4BCMXGS7FLSVHUXDTM.jpg\")
Shane O’Connor, founder of the Lads2dads group, with his sons Bodhi and Sonny. Photograph: Daragh Mc Sweeney\/Provision <\/p>\n\u2018When you become a dad … you have to say goodbye to an old part of yourself\u2019Shane O\u2019ConnorShane O’Connor, founder of the Lads2dads group, with his sons Bodhi and Sonny. Photograph: Daragh Mc Sweeney\/Provision <\/p>\n
Thirty-four-year-old Shane O\u2019Connor was only four months into a new relationship with his now fiancee Hazel when he learned he was to become a father. He\u2019d always hoped to be a dad one day, but that \u201cdidn\u2019t make it any easier in terms of us being a brand new couple\u201d, he says.<\/p>\n
\u201cHazel and I were pretty certain we had found the person that we wanted to do life with,\u201d he adds, but the news was still a shock. O\u2019Connor had only recently moved back to Ireland having lived abroad for almost a decade, which compounded the sense of whiplash. \u201cWe went from a honeymoon period to \u2018oh wow we still don\u2019t know each other, but we\u2019re about to have a child\u2019. There was a lot of emotions in play at once,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
[\u00a0The \u2018identity earthquake\u2019: The biological and psychological impact of fatherhood on menOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n \u201cWhen Bodhi, our son, was born, I was like a deer in headlights. I was rattled. I barely remember the first few months of Bodhi\u2019s life because I was so overwhelmed and so in shock with his arrival.\u201d<\/p>\n In spite of the initial sense of being overwhelmed and the adjustment to being a parent, the dad of two feels fatherhood has changed him for the better. \u201cIt has definitely made me a better partner, without a shadow of a doubt,\u201d he says. <\/p>\n Beforehand, \u201cI was definitely a little bit selfish. I was very much on Shane\u2019s watch, \u2018what does Shane want to do\u2019. I was young, 25-year-old Shane who used to live in Berlin and travel loads, with no responsibilities and that freedom to do what I wanted and not have to ask anyone permission.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen you become a dad … you do have to say goodbye to an old part of yourself, and [that] took time. I grieved over my 20s… that definitely was a part I\u2019ve struggled to shake off,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n It was his own experience of transitioning to fatherhood that led O\u2019Connor to set up a support group for fathers in Cork. \u201cIf I was feeling this way, in a state of shock and not feeling fully prepared, and not having an outlet to talk to other dads about \u2018hey, this is f**king tough work\u2019,\u201d then, he figured, other men must feel that way too.<\/p>\n He says Lads2dads provides a space where \u201cdads can come together … where they can ask questions. They can learn from one another. They can bring up whatever they want to bring up, whether that be something that\u2019s challenging them from a relationship point of view with their partner, or something they\u2019re struggling with their kids. Anger, emotions, you name it.\u201d<\/p>\n The group meets every month at the Cork Lotus Yoga studio in the city. <\/p>\n \u201cWe have new dads come in every month,\u201d O\u2019Connor says. \u201cWe have old dads who have a couple of kids.\u201d It\u2019s an opportunity to speak about things they don\u2019t speak to their partner or friends about. There is no judgment, he adds. \u201cWe\u2019ve had sessions where we\u2019ve had 10 strangers in a room, some of them being your stereotypical strong Irish man who wouldn\u2019t be emotional, where one or two men have shared some really vulnerable and heartbreaking stories, and there hasn\u2019t been a dry eye in the house.\u201d<\/p>\n O\u2019Connor says he\u2019d love to see similar groups established across the country to support dads with the changes that fatherhood brings. He\u2019s also set up a petition to increase paid paternity leave for fathers.<\/p>\n \u2018Mums have a head start … they\u2019re a lot more involved. You\u2019re a bit detached\u2019Anton Jarvis Anton Jarvis has two sons, Hugo (5) and Theo (7). The 45-year-old was born in Tanzania and grew up in the UK, before moving to Cork after meeting his Slovakian wife in Ireland.<\/p>\n \u201cRelief\u201d rather than instant connection was his first response when his eldest child was born. \u201cWith the first boy, my partner had quite a protracted labour,\u201d he explains. \u201cI almost confused that initial euphoria of just having gone through the birth, and just happy that a child was born, with connecting with a child,\u201d he says. <\/p>\n He says he struggled with knowing what his role as a dad was in the early days. \u201cWhen the child doesn\u2019t walk, doesn\u2019t talk. You felt like you were babysitting the child until mum takes over.\u201d<\/p>\n Fatherhood: The biological and psychological impact on men <\/p>\n [\u00a0\u2018An identity earthquake\u2019: The biological and psychological impact of fatherhood on menOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n The real bonding for him began around two to four months, when his son began to smile and interact.<\/p>\n There can be huge guilt for fathers around this, he believes. \u201cThe mums have a head start, I think. Because they\u2019ve carried the child and they\u2019re breastfeeding, they\u2019re a lot more involved. And you\u2019re a bit detached.\u201d<\/p>\n Having a baby also had a big impact on his relationship with his wife, he says.<\/p>\n \u201cThe relationship became very transactional in the sense of \u2018what are you doing? What am I doing?\u2019. Your partner needs rest. You need to take the child out. [There\u2019s] very little time for yourself. Or as a couple. And especially for us, I think, because we have no immediate family around, so there\u2019s no help. Then the second child comes along and it\u2019s even more time pressure.\u201d <\/p>\n There was a community and village approach to raising children in Tanzania, he says, versus the more nuclear approach in Ireland today. His own father was \u201ca very hands-off dad\u201d, Jarvis says. \u201cIf he shut a cupboard door in the kitchen he felt like he was helping.\u201d Expectations of fathers have changed, he says, and he\u2019s completely on board with this, but \u201cyou\u2019re doing it with no guidance\u201d.<\/p>\n On reflection, Jarvis can see he experienced loneliness in fatherhood. Not having the free time \u201cjust to have an hour or two\u2019s break\u201d is the aspect he found the most difficult. <\/p>\n \u201cBefore I had children, my life was a honeymoon,\u201d he says. \u201cThe time factor. You don\u2019t realise how much time you have on your hands.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2018A lot of the focus is on the mother and how they\u2019re doing. You\u2019re almost an afterthought\u2019<\/p>\n \u2014 \u00a0Anton Jarvis<\/p><\/blockquote>\n His social life has changed, too. \u201cWhen you have a child you end up socialising with other people that have children … The drinking reduces massively because you just can\u2019t deal with the hangover.\u201d<\/p>\n Jarvis attends the Lads2Dads group in Cork and says he found it was the \u201cfirst time where your own feelings are validated. Someone asking, \u2018Actually, how are you doing?\u2019 Earlier on, when you become a parent, a lot of the focus is on the mother and how they\u2019re doing. You\u2019re almost an afterthought.\u201d There\u2019s \u201cguilt\u201d admitting that, he says.<\/p>\n The group allowed him to openly discuss things dads don\u2019t ordinarily talk about, like how overwhelming parenthood can feel sometimes. \u201cYou can love a child and still feel like, \u2018Jesus, things are really on top of me and I don\u2019t know how to deal with this situation\u2019.<\/p>\n \u201cBeing more open and frank and vulnerable with other men, that\u2019s led to me being more frank and vulnerable with my own partner … It\u2019s changed me for the better.\u201d<\/p>\n Fatherhood has also made him \u201cmore patient, more considerate\u201d, he says.<\/p>\n \u2018Public perception of a queer family is very important, seeing that we are just a normal family\u2019Mark O\u2019Looney Cannon Mark O\u2019Looney Cannon and his husband Eoin knew from early on in their relationship that they wanted to be fathers. <\/p>\n \u201cI always knew I wanted kids,\u201d he says. \u201cWhen I first came out to my mother she said to me, \u2018But you want kids\u2019, and I said, \u2018But I\u2019ll have kids, why wouldn\u2019t I?\u201d<\/p>\n The pair moved to New York together in 2018 when Mark was offered a scholarship with MasterCard that became a permanent job. One of the key factors in the couple\u2019s decision to stay in the US was that they thought it might be an easier place to have a child via adoption or surrogacy. <\/p>\n In 2022, their first daughter, Aria, was born with the help of a surrogate living in Texas whom they had met via Facebook. In 2024, the same surrogate gave birth to the couple\u2019s second daughter, Nala. <\/p>\n Both children were conceived through donor eggs and sperm belonging to either O\u2019Looney Cannon or his husband. The couple don\u2019t know which one of them is the biological father, but their doctor does, he explains. They decided not to find out following a devastating miscarriage.<\/p>\n \u201cOn our first journey, we implanted two embryos, one of mine and one of his,\u201d O\u2019Looney Cannon explains. The surrogate became pregnant with twins, \u201cand then we unfortunately lost our son at 17 weeks. So we chose never to find out who the biological parent was. If the girls want to know they can find out when they\u2019re older.\u201d<\/p>\n There have been legal complications, however. In order for their children to gain Irish citizenship and Irish passports, just one father can be named on the birth cert. The children would have to take a genetic test to prove who their father is, and the other father would lose his rights. <\/p>\n [\u00a0\u2018An identity earthquake\u2019: The biological and psychological impact of fatherhood on menOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n \u201cOnce we started trying to move home, we realised that the law wasn\u2019t really on our side,\u201d he says. \u201cWe have all the legal rights we need over here \u2013 we\u2019re on the birth cert … we\u2019re totally protected over here. But when we move home we don\u2019t have that same protection.\u201d<\/p>\n If the law changed in Ireland to allow both men appear on the children\u2019s birth cert, they would move home in a \u201cheartbeat\u201d, he says.<\/p>\n O\u2019Looney Cannon recalls being asked when he first felt like a dad. \u201cIt\u2019s very sad that this is the moment that I remember, but it was when we found out Shane [their son] passed. The grief I went through then … was something completely different, In terms of \u2018I have lost a child. I am a parent\u2019.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2018I actively put ourselves out there because the public perception of a queer family is very important\u2019<\/p>\n \u2014 \u00a0Mark O\u2019Looney Cannon<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Has fatherhood changed him? \u201cDefinitely,\u201d he says. For one, he has become far more organised. <\/p>\n \u201cOne of the big things was recognising that you\u2019re not just taking care of yourself, you\u2019re taking care of other people,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n \u201cI was always the type of person that would pack my bag last minute, that just wouldn\u2019t think through things as much. Now I have the girls\u2019 outfits prepared. I know what hairstyles I\u2019m doing.\u201d<\/p>\n He appreciates his nights out more now. \u201cOne of the most important things you can do is take a night away where your kids are safe with someone else and you have a recharge and remember who you are and who you are in your relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n O\u2019Looney Cannon\u2019s husband is a stay-at-home dad and takes on \u201call the cooking and cleaning\u201d. \u201cI\u2019m the one who does their hair. I\u2019m the one who picks their outfits\u201d, O\u2019Looney Cannon says, describing how stereotypical gender norms aren\u2019t so clearly defined for parents in same-sex relationships.<\/p>\n He finds it amusing to hear some heterosexual couples make comments about what fathers can and can\u2019t do, like when a woman might say of her partner, \u201cI couldn\u2019t leave him at home with the kids for two days\u201d.<\/p>\n Fatherhood has also driven O\u2019Looney Cannon into activism. \u201cWhen I had the girls and I recognised they weren\u2019t getting the same rights as everyone else … I got involved with Irish Gay Dads,\u201d he says, referring to the community and activist group supporting, representing and connecting Irish gay, bi, queer and trans fathers. He is now their vice-president. \u201cI started meeting Government,\u201d he says. <\/p>\n It also encouraged him to become active on social media \u2013 the couple have more than 8,000 followers on their @twomenandasurrogacy Instagram account. \u201cI actively put ourselves out there because the public perception of a queer family is very important, seeing that we are just a normal family like everyone else.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m still learning about head space and how to find it\u2019David Monaghan David Monaghan knows that in 2026 his family\u2019s size is uncommon. The 47-year-<\/p>\n old and his wife Amy have eight children, ranging in age from 13 down to just one year old. <\/p>\n He and Amy, who is a primary schoolteacher, were \u201cdefinitely open to having a big family\u201d, he says, but eight wasn\u2019t necessarily \u201ca number in the back of our heads\u201d.<\/p>\n He left his job in finance to become a stay-at-home father about 10 years ago. \u201cFinancially it worked out better,\u201d he says. \u201cI haven\u2019t looked back since, and I wouldn\u2019t change it. To be honest, I\u2019d be very reluctant to get back into the workplace,\u201d he says. \u201cI love it. I\u2019m just daddy day care. I\u2019m my own boss.\u201d<\/p>\n The family live in a three bedroom semi-detatched house in Co Kildare. Bunkbeds have been their saviour when it comes to bedroom space. The girls share one room, the boys another, leaving the final bedroom for Monaghan and his wife. It\u2019s the downstairs living space that he finds tight, and he expects this will become more of an issue when his children are teenagers.<\/p>\n Before becoming a father, Monaghan \u201cenjoyed his space\u201d. \u201cEven to this day my head gets absolutely melted at times with eight children, when we\u2019re all here at the same time,\u201d he says. \u201cSpace is my big thing. In terms of head space, I\u2019m still learning about that and how to find it.\u201d<\/p>\n In a new effort to reclaim some time for himself in fatherhood, he\u2019s started making use of his early waking hours. If \u201cI happen to be awake at five or six I get up and I\u2019ll just catch up with a few emails or a bit of social media, or later in the evening when they\u2019re all in bed by 9 o\u2019clock\u201d.<\/p>\n Becoming a father meant Monaghan had \u201cto be more patient on some level\u201d but he concedes \u201con another level, I can get tetchy quite easily with the children, and that makes me feel I\u2019m more impatient.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2018I can\u2019t just head off in the car, head off for 24 hours and then just come back\u2019<\/p>\n \u2014 \u00a0David Monaghan<\/p><\/blockquote>\n One of the most notable changes he\u2019s seen in himself since becoming a father is how difficult he finds winter. \u201cI get that kind of sad feeling in winter with the weather,\u201d he says, \u201cthe clouds and all that. So when the children are in the house and they can\u2019t get out, it\u2019s raining … that can be a rough time.<\/p>\n \u201cI … suffer through it, and I know there\u2019s something coming in the summer, we can all get together and get away. Or I can do a trip away or a retreat.\u201d<\/p>\n Parenthood, by virtue of its demands, can bring change to relationships. Has that been the case for Monaghan and his wife? \u201cIt\u2019s evolving,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Parts of fatherhood have been as he expected, while others have been very different. \u201cThe demands and expectations\u201d of extracurricular activities have been far more than he had anticipated.<\/p>\n \u201cNot being able to reach out to other dads\u201d has been a challenge he didn\u2019t expect. He\u2019s not lonely, he says, but has found fatherhood restrictive at times when compared with the freedom of his pre-parenthood days. \u201cI can\u2019t just head off in the car, head off for 24 hours and then just come back.\u201d <\/p>\n \u2018For many adopted people, having children of your own is a big event\u2019Paul Cullen![\"Shane](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/KZNA44XRUOEGWLOGBZB3R6IA2E.jpg\")
Shane O’Connor at a Lads2dads meeting in Cork city. Photograph: Daragh Mc Sweeney\/Provision<\/p>\n![\"Anton](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/ERRUR2HHTJ3OI7DSTML2NLCJUM.jpg\")
Anton Jarvis with his sons Hugo and Theo. Photograph: Daragh Mc Sweeney\/Provision<\/p>\n![\"'I](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/TSZNN4SW7NBVXJMMS3U3MG2ZPY.jpg\")
‘I think when people think of fatherhood they think of an emotional, a psychological and a social role. But it\u2019s a neurobiological transition,’ neuroscientist Brian Pennie says. Photograph: Andres Poveda (Andres Poveda\/Andres Poveda) <\/p>\n\n
![\"Mark](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/CS2ECQVKPVHMVAJWBYZIQCA7SE.jpeg\")
Mark and Eoin O\u2019Looney Cannon with their daughters in New York <\/p>\n\n
![\"Amy](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/4NLOSO4WNRDAJHRUYYJ554NN3M.JPG\")
Amy and David Monaghan with their eight children (Maria, Z\u00e9lie, Chlo\u00e9-Anne, Joshua,
\nMary-Kate, Lucy, Matthew and Sophia). Photograph: Alan Betson<\/p>\n\n
![\"Paul](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/TD4POBMZLFHU7AFBYBGLCW2YKI.jpg\")
Paul Cullen with his four children, from left, Rosa, Tana, Luca and Ella Photo: Deirdre Veldon <\/p>\n