{"id":572265,"date":"2026-07-06T22:08:16","date_gmt":"2026-07-06T22:08:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/572265\/"},"modified":"2026-07-06T22:08:16","modified_gmt":"2026-07-06T22:08:16","slug":"therapy-and-siblings-how-much-should-i-share","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/572265\/","title":{"rendered":"Therapy and siblings: How much should\u00a0I share?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Attempting a civil start to our first session, I made the rookie mistake of assuming it was best to begin with the positive, ticking off a list of my sib\u2019s many fine qualities. I wasn\u2019t looking for an equal exchange\u2009\u2014\u2009\u201cAndy is a good swimmer\u201d or \u201cHe chooses good restaurants\u201d would have been fine. But the fact that they apparently could not come up with anything felt ominous.<\/p>\n

Neither of us had any bombshell revelations. Our conflicts were about the ways we had disappointed each other over the past 40 years. Still, I was expecting we would spend more time closer to the present rather than mired in events from decades ago. This dynamic deepened in our second meeting. Each episode from the past seemed to spawn another ancient memory.<\/p>\n

When I asked our therapist whether it was wise to share thoughts that might be hurtful, she suggested that unless we were fully candid, we could never reestablish a real bond. <\/p>\n

Apparently, if therapy doesn\u2019t make you uncomfortable, you aren\u2019t doing it right. Perhaps I was doing it wrong, but every memory seemed to move us further from reconciliation. As our tone grew toxic, I wondered if we might have been better off with massage therapy. <\/p>\n

Remarkably, none of the acrimony seemed to spill over into real life. Between sessions, we tacitly borrowed the first rule of Fight Club: Never discussing that thing you\u2019re doing. Maybe I was in denial but I was enjoying their company so much that I remembered everything I missed about them in their absence. I thought of Ralph and Sam, the Looney Tunes<\/a> wolf and sheepdog who punch in for a brutal workday battle over sheep, then clock out to enjoy an amiable lunch break together. <\/p>\n

I realized we were colluding to avoid uncomfortable, possibly inevitable conversations. Yet I couldn\u2019t help wondering if there was something to be said for the idea that some things are better left unsaid.<\/p>\n

Of course, many therapists believe there is a healthy middle ground between total transparency and sweeping things under the rug. I asked clinical psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger: A Woman\u2019s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships,<\/a> about striking the right balance.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn key relationships (marriage, family, close friendship), it\u2019s important to be able to speak openly about things that matter,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n

However, \u201cIn the name of authenticity and truth-telling, people bludgeon each other, shut down the lines of communication, and make it impossible for two people to hear each other or even stay in the same room. .\u2009.\u2009. In most cases intensity breeds more intensity, reactivity breeds more reactivity, and expressions of anger lead nowhere or even make things worse.\u201d<\/p>\n

Inevitably, it was that fear of making things worse that made me worry future sessions might compromise the fragile friendship we\u2019d struck outside of therapy. When our fourth session degenerated into a shouting match, I decided to opt out.<\/p>\n

After that meeting, I received an email from our therapist who suggested that, had we continued, we could have come away \u201cwith a deeper understanding of each other and identified what you need to have a stronger bond.\u201d <\/p>\n

In the long run, she may prove to be right. After all, none of the issues that kept us apart all those years were settled. We may well still be concealing a lifetime\u2019s worth of anger and resentment. One day, it might resurface, sending us back into silence. For now, our post-therapy connection seems to be holding up well.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow what?\u201d my sib asked shortly after our final session.<\/p>\n

It was a good question with no easy answer. Having reached sexagenarian status, I just couldn\u2019t imagine resolving decades of differences by rehashing the past, reopening old wounds with the risk of creating new ones. <\/p>\n

Reading our therapist\u2019s words that \u201cit is through the pain and suffering we grow and heal,\u201d I wondered if there were another way. As simplistic and unrealistic as it may sound, I suspect the only way we\u2019ll be able to create a sustainable bond is if, instead of focusing on the past, we can find a way to move beyond it. <\/p>\n

As the late British musician Dave Mason<\/a> sang in 1977: \u201cSo let\u2019s leave it alone\/ \u2019Cause we can\u2019t see eye to eye\/ There ain\u2019t no good guy, there ain\u2019t no bad guy\/ There\u2019s only you and me and we just disagree.\u201d<\/p>\n

That sounds perfectly agreeable to me.<\/p>\n

Andy Levinsky is a frequent contributor to Globe Magazine. Send comments to magazine@globe.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Attempting a civil start to our first session, I made the rookie mistake of assuming it was best…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":572266,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[276],"tags":[53547,5999,32243,243869,2583,41682,121709,26964,79715,2593,21020,18229,18,243870,90272,234126,21588,299,3519,68426,46553,1742,135,47713,19,3520,59746,17,26649,243871,243872,34659,47086,243873,11940,243874,167,502,75741,78002,36524,71990,54712,2603,24242,65175,243875,243876,36424,9635,10684,38560,1691,39891,2619,5644,43782],"class_list":["post-572265","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-mental-health","tag-3d-rendering","tag-adventure","tag-ancient","tag-antique","tag-background","tag-box","tag-choices","tag-clever","tag-clue","tag-concept","tag-container","tag-dark","tag-eire","tag-enigma","tag-escape","tag-extraordinary","tag-fantasy","tag-future","tag-game","tag-gift","tag-glow","tag-gold","tag-health","tag-holes","tag-ie","tag-illustration","tag-inside","tag-ireland","tag-key","tag-keyhole","tag-keyholes","tag-light","tag-lock","tag-locks","tag-magic","tag-magical","tag-mental-health","tag-mentalhealth","tag-mysteries","tag-mysterious","tag-mystery","tag-mythology","tag-object","tag-old","tag-open","tag-options","tag-package","tag-pandoras-box","tag-puzzle","tag-retro","tag-room","tag-secret","tag-surprise","tag-treasure","tag-vintage","tag-wealth","tag-wooden"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/572265","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=572265"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/572265\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/572266"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=572265"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=572265"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=572265"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}