When we can differentiate between fact and story, we restore our ability to distinguish between what is fixed and what is mutable. In everyday life, we regularly conflate fact and story. When we do this, we trick ourselves into believing that stories are as fixed, and true, as fact. When we treat stories as fact, their power grows. We become subject to the story, forgetting that one of our greatest powers as human beings lies in our ability to choose which stories we believe. <\/a><\/p>\n I first came across this deceptively simple yet powerful tool when I joined a forum hosted by the Conscious Leadership Group and began working with the book The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership<\/a>, by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, and Kaley Warner Klemp. It remains one of my go-to practices to help distinguish between what\u2019s real and what\u2019s not, to resolve conflict, and to remember my own agency. To distinguish between fact and story, I offer this simple definition:<\/p>\n \u2022 Facts are what a video recorder might capture about a situation.<\/p>\n \u2022 Stories are everything else.<\/p>\n That\u2019s it.<\/p>\n Stories are sometimes built upon facts and sometimes built upon thin air. It is also true that the same fact can often generate multiple, different stories (try this exercise with some friends: Throw out a fact and compare the stories you each generate from it). It is also true that, once we start to believe a story, we tend to focus on the facts that affirm the story rather than taking in facts that complicate it.<\/p>\n When we let our stories run wild, we can lose touch with what\u2019s actually present<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n I\u2019ll give you an example: I came home the other day and my husband didn\u2019t look up from the table to say hi. This was a fact. The stories I immediately started telling myself were that he was angry with me, that I must have done something to piss him off, that we were definitely going to spend the rest of the night in a fight, and that maybe he didn\u2019t even want to be married anymore. (Extreme, but you can see how the mind starts to spin.) When I finally caught his attention, instead of attacking him for ignoring me, I said: \u201cHey, when you don\u2019t acknowledge me, I tell myself a story that you\u2019re upset with me.\u201d He looked at me for a second. \u201cAh, I\u2019m sorry, Court\u2014I had my AirPods in and was buried in my book\u2014 I didn\u2019t even hear you.\u201d This is a simple example, but helpful: When we let our stories run wild, we can lose touch with what\u2019s actually present.<\/p>\n The concept of fact versus story is foundational to the core process used in this workbook<\/a>. It\u2019s also a helpful tool to use in your everyday life. Here are some ways that we suggest you can make use of the distinction:<\/p>\n \u2022 Catch yourself when you\u2019re using a fact to make up a story. Pause and check in with others to see if the story matches their experience. Here\u2019s my example from the \u201cSloth\u201d chapter: \u201cYes, it is true that I work thirty hours per week. It turns out that it\u2019s not true that I\u2019m always behind.\u201d This practice works only if you\u2019re genuinely interested in learning if your story is correct.<\/p>\n \u2022 Use the language of fact versus story when speaking: \u201cThe fact is…\u201d and \u201cthe story I make up about that fact is…\u201d You may notice yourself becoming less rigid and more flexible with the stories you create. You might also find that you generate less conflict in your life and save time on unnecessary rumination.<\/p>\n \u2022 Broaden your storytelling: When you find yourself using a fact to generate a story, pause and ask yourself what other stories might be equally true. If you have friends, loved ones, or colleagues who consistently see the world differently than you do, ask yourself what their story might be instead. For example, I have an optimistic friend whose voice I channeled when I had foot surgery. The fact is that 15 percent of people still experience pain one year after surgery. My story was that I needed to prepare for the worst. Her story was that, because I was going into the surgery with above-average health, my results were going to be above average as well. No need to worry. The point of this exercise is not to blindly believe the more optimistic story but to challenge yourself to hold both.<\/p>\n \u2022 Know your pattern. Over time, you may realize that you have a consistent tone to your stories. For example, some of us have a positivity bias, while some of us are more negative. Once you notice that you have a preference for a particular type of story, challenge yourself to see if there are any facts you are overlooking that could complicate your story. When we uncover a story that we\u2019ve internalized from our family, community, and culture that has been driving our choices, it can be tempting to stay in the blame and shame <\/a>(blame directed internally) game. Both blame and shame, however, function to keep us from doing anything differently and keep us locked in choices driven by fear. We might say that both blame and shame share a similar assumption: that the stories we uncovered are a problem and that there is something wrong with us for having let these stories dictate our lives. However, if the ultimate goal of this workbook is to not have to perform to some rigid externally derived norm of femininity in order to feel \u201cgood\u201d and instead to regain a state of wholeness, or unconditional acceptance of all aspects of oneself, then shaming the parts of us that internalized and bought into cultural ideals of womanhood doesn\u2019t get us very far.<\/p>\n It is true that, now that we have unearthed and explored the stories we\u2019ve inherited, we may make different choices and cultivate new stories. It is true that we may be ready to face our fears and choose other priorities and values to live from. It is true that our previous choices may have cost us in various ways. It is also true that our previous choices were likely adaptive<\/a> and intelligent in their origin. It is also true that our previous choices came with certain benefits and payoffs and served some purpose for a time. It is also true that letting inherited stories dictate our choices, at some level, got us to the point where we\u2019re now in the position to ask anew whether we\u2019d like to choose differently going forward.<\/p>\n Choosing Wholeness Over Goodness: A Process for Reclaiming Your Full Self, by Elise Elise Loehnen and Courtney Smith <\/p>\n\n
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