Although I was born in Israel and grew up in Haifa, I did not have a close Modern Orthodox friend until after I returned to Israel following almost ten years in the U.S.
In Haifa, on Mount Carmel (where Naftali Bennett also grew up), secular and religious children attended different schools and belonged to different youth movements. We knew the religious kids only informally, as neighbors, for example. It is important to remember that at that time (the 1960s and 1970s), religious boys and girls studied together, and that was also the case in the youth movements.
In the U.S., somehow the differences between secular and religious Jews were less noticeable than they were here, in a very Christian country that nevertheless officially maintains a separation between church and state.
In 1989, with our two young daughters, we returned to Israel, where my husband received a position at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, and I was assigned to teach English at both a religious school and a regular high schools. Teaching English then was not very different from what I see now during the Service Year in Merhavim, and I was completely unequipped to handle a classroom. After only nine days, I quit.
I felt like a complete failure when I spoke with my supervisors at the schools. Yet my supervisor at the religious school understood me and was very sympathetic. This was the beginning of a very close friendship. We were both in our thirties then, and today we are two elderly women in our seventies.
Secular people often feel that in relationships with religious people, they are the ones who must make all the concessions. Usually, that feeling is justified. Yet during our friendship of almost forty years, I never felt that way. From the very beginning, we were simply ourselves. My friend was there for me during a time of crisis. Not only did she not judge me, but she even invited my family to celebrate Rosh Hashanah in her home.
Our year in Be’er Sheva was not a success, and at the end of that year we returned to the U.S. My friend and her family later came to visit us in our non-kosher home in Dallas, where we lived for the next four years. We had a wonderful time together. We overcame the religious challenges easily, and everything felt seamless.
I am telling this story because, during my current Service Year, we are working together with both religious and nonreligious shinshinim (service-year volunteers) under the umbrella of Beit Midrash Elul, an organization that, among other things, promotes dialogue between secular and religious Jews.
Usually, we are very good colleagues and even friends, but sometimes it is difficult to draw the line between being sensitive and considerate toward our religious counterparts and feeling that our own opinions and ideologies are regarded as less important — something I never experienced in my relationship with my old friend.
Still, I believe that what we are doing now: working together toward an important shared goal, is a powerful way to build meaningful relationships and true friendships within Israel’s divided and segmented society.
I hold a PhD in English Literature from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem, specializing in writing about issues related to women, literature, culture, and society. Having lived in the US for 15 years (between 1979-1994), I bring a diverse perspective to my work.
As a widow, in March 2016, I initiated a support and growth-oriented Facebook group for widows named “Widows Move On.” The group has now grown to over 2000 members, providing a valuable space for mutual support and understanding.