When parents come to me concerned about a child \u2013 whether a five-year-old who suddenly refuses to go to school, or a teenager who seems angry, withdrawn, or failing \u2013 I always include an evaluation of the child\u2019s attachment status as part of my diagnostic approach.<\/p>\n
John Bowlby\u2019s attachment theory, decades after its introduction, remains one of the most useful tools for understanding children\u2019s emotional worlds.<\/p>\n
![\"A](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/iran\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/668111.jpeg\"\/)
A mother comforts her child. (credit: SHUTTERSTOCK)<\/p>\n
Bowlby taught us that children thrive when they experience their caregivers as secure bases \u2013 people who are emotionally available, predictable, and attuned. A securely attached child seeks proximity when distressed and feels confident to explore when safe.<\/p>\n
An insecurely attached child may cling anxiously, withdraw, avoid closeness, or oscillate between the two. Parent-child attachment patterns may shift not because parents don\u2019t care but because stress can distract a parent, making it harder to stay attuned to a child\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n
The state-of-the-art treatment for children, especially pre-teenage kids, has been play therapy. It seems like a natural way to get into and understand the child\u2019s emotional issues, which directly impact their attachment behavior.<\/p>\n
In fact, the literature lists many forms of play therapy for young children, including playing with games and toys, drawing pictures, or working with silly putty.<\/p>\n
I myself have used play therapy quite effectively with some of the younger children that I have treated. But whenever possible, I prefer to empower parents with tools and insights that can strengthen their role as parents.<\/p>\n
The empowering parental approach was originated by Bernard and Louise Guerney (1969), who developed filial play therapy, training parents to be therapeutic agents.<\/p>\n
This approach\u2019s goal is teaching parents to better understand the emotional meaning of their child\u2019s behavior and learn specific techniques that will help their child change.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s take a look at what this means.<\/p>\n
The immigrant child and the silent storm<\/p>\n
An English couple brought in their seven-year-old son, Sam, six months after making aliyah. He had become aggressive in school, pushing children and yelling at teachers. The school suggested play therapy, but the parents wanted a broader understanding.<\/p>\n
In my treatment with Sam\u2019s parents, I reframed his difficulties as issues of \u201cdislocation\u201d rather than anger problems.<\/p>\n
When Sam made aliyah<\/a>, he had to learn Hebrew, a new language, and missed his childhood friends, his grandparents, and his familiar routines and surroundings.\u00a0<\/p>\n His parents, overwhelmed with settling into a new flat, jobs, and bureaucracy, were emotionally less available. They were unable to see that Sam\u2019s acting out was his own way of protesting the move to Israel and how all of the changes were affecting him.<\/p>\n I worked on helping the parents slow down, create predictable routines, and carve out daily one-on-one time. They learned to narrate his feelings (\u201cThis is hard. You miss home. You miss your grandparents. We\u2019re here with you\u201d).<\/p>\n I suggested to his parents that they try to arrange a weekly Zoom meeting with his grandparents. Sam really enjoyed these meetings. Within weeks, the aggression decreased and his school behavior improved. Sam didn\u2019t need punishment \u2013 he needed connection.<\/p>\n The teen and missile attacks<\/p>\n During the height of the rocket attacks, a 15-year-old girl, Maya, began refusing to leave the house. Each time the Red Alert siren sounded, she would freeze, cry, or cling to her parents.<\/p>\n Even on quiet days, she stayed close to the safe room, checked the news constantly, and monitored her younger siblings with hypervigilance. Clearly, she was exhibiting signs of trauma.<\/p>\n Her parents tried to reassure her with facts and calm explanations about the defense systems and how they work.<\/p>\n But Maya wasn\u2019t responding to logic. From an attachment perspective, her system was overwhelmed. The unpredictability of sirens and the fear of being separated from her family activated a primal need for closeness.<\/p>\n Once her parents shifted from \u201cexplaining\u201d to attuning, things changed. They validated her fear, stayed physically close during stressful moments, and created predictable routines even on uncertain days.<\/p>\n