Editor\u2019s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.<\/p>\n
This weekend, at approximately 6:07 p.m., all preparations for the weekend parties (contra Admit Weekend instructions) held by Greek life on campus were cancelled due to a sudden attack by a group of Roman legions.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe were preparing a low-key party to get the female ProFros to come,\u201d said one member of the Sigma Nu fraternity, who elected to stay anonymous. \u201cAll of a sudden we heard a bunch of shouts. One of them\u2014 his name\u2019s Marcus \u2014 set our lawn on fire.\u201d<\/p>\n
A group of white-clad women then gathered around the fire. One K-Sig pledge, Flir Tias \u201929 attempted to approach and is now held hostage by the legions.<\/p>\n
All fraternity members are warned against approaching the virgin priestesses currently camped on the lawn of SNu. Members of the Mars Self-Op next door were encouraged to evacuate the house, as several \u201cRomans\u201d have converted the property into a temple. The head priest, also named Marcus, has uprooted the toilets, reportedly seeing the slushing as \u201cbad omens from Neptune\u201d (translated by an anonymous classics post-doc, currently being held in the basement).<\/p>\n
Emmer Jency, a representative from R&DE, reports that negotiations with the Romans have been going unsuccessfully for the past few hours. As a result, several faculty at Stanford have been recruited to assist. For the first time since its establishment, the Stanford Classics Department has a unique and relevant perspective. Indeed, a shift has even occurred among undergraduates. One poll shows a turnover of up to 30% of CS students on campus now looking to major in Classical Studies after realizing there was more opportunity for hire after recent events.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Attempts by students versed in Ancient Latin (upwards of a 2 scored on the AP Latin exam) attempted to communicate with the leader of the legions, who also refers to himself as Marcus\u2014go figure\u2014but were rebuked.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe just wouldn\u2019t talk to us,\u201d one AP Latin alum lamented. \u201cHe heard us attempting to speak but said he wouldn\u2019t deal with the \u2018linguistically castrated.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Several of the legions have set up camp in Frost Amphitheater, albeit unwillingly.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cThey said their amphitheatre was better in Rome but our impoverished architecture would have to do,\u201d said the Vice Provost. There were multiple attempts to bring a lion into the amphitheater but campus security and several 5-Sure representatives interfered before the animals were allowed in.\u00a0<\/p>\n
It is speculated that one of the lions is currently still patrolling the campus on the loose, as one ProFro was found bleeding by the oval, screaming, \u201cFuck the Gong! Fuck my deposit! I\u2019m committing to Harvard!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
All Greek lettering on houses have been removed in order to discourage the Romans from setting fire to them. This story is breaking and will be updated. <\/p>\n
Reliquam huius articuli partem Anglice scribere iam non licet nobis. Quaeso, auxilium ad \u201cStanford Daily Building\u201d statim mittite.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Editor\u2019s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":12868,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[9604,3292,9605,1338,9606,9607,9608,9609,9610,2343,9611,5251,9612,27],"class_list":{"0":"post-12867","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-rome","8":"tag-5sure","9":"tag-fire","10":"tag-frost-amiphitheater","11":"tag-greek","12":"tag-greek-life","13":"tag-haha","14":"tag-haha-very-funny","15":"tag-humor","16":"tag-latin","17":"tag-life","18":"tag-mayhem","19":"tag-party","20":"tag-profros","21":"tag-rome"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12867","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12867"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12867\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12868"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12867"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12867"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/italy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12867"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}