WASHINGTON \u2014 U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its \u201cabsolute best\u201d by personally checking the erection strength of all servicemen over the age of thirty, according to confused sources within the Pentagon.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe only way we\u2019re gonna have a better fighting force than Russia or China is by making sure our dicks are way harder than theirs,\u201d said Hegseth, already a few beers in by noon. \u201cIn addition to testing for low testosterone, this new measure will guarantee that only the firmest, stiffest, and most robust cocks are entrusted to fight for Uncle Sam. Just like I used to do with my squad in the National Guard, I will be personally tasked with going barrack-to-barrack at unannounced times, like when they sleep, to test the speed and duration of each soldier\u2019s stiffy. Welcome to the new warrior culture. Oorah!\u201d<\/p>\n
Infantryman Kyle Lubowsky was surprised by this announcement.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m all for having a powerful military, but I\u2019m not quite sure having the Secretary do hand stuff to us is the right way to go,\u201d said Lubowsky. \u201cHow would that even work? Most of the time, we\u2019re exhausted from doing combat drills or endurance runs, so I don\u2019t think checking how our penis works afterwards would be an accurate representation of our stamina. Maybe they can take the cost of these programs and put it towards something a bit more useful, like better support for our mental health or fixing the widespread toxic mold in our housing. But sure, I guess getting a hard-on while we bomb Iran is important too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Military Analyst Casper Ferrero explained that these protocols were just the tip of the iceberg.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s very clear that this current administration will be holding its troops to vastly different standards than in the past,\u201d stated Ferrero. \u201cNot only are they testing for things such as hormone levels and pecker strength, but Hegseth is planning to only promote soldiers with the broadest shoulders and most chiseled jawlines, the latter requiring a mandibular angle within the range of 120\u2013130 degrees. He\u2019ll also reportedly be issuing dishonorable discharges for any fighter who gets hornier for photos of Scooby\u2011Doo\u2019s Velma over the \u2018way hotter\u2019 Daphne.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
At press time, Hegseth also announced mandated circle jerks prior to combat, which he would supervise to weed out the soldiers who went limp first.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"WASHINGTON \u2014 U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":158297,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_share_on_mastodon":"0"},"categories":[120],"tags":[20658,73558,73559,1332,184,18,17906,71826,73560],"class_list":["post-158296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-pete-hegseth","tag-check","tag-erection","tag-masculenity","tag-military","tag-pentagon","tag-pete-hegseth","tag-strength","tag-testosterone","tag-testosterone-check"],"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@people\/116948710875290222","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158296","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=158296"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158296\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/158297"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=158296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=158296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/people\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=158296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}