Depression is one of the most common mental health disorders, with data from the National Institute of Mental Health estimating it affects 21 million adults in the US per year. And while you might hear the words, “Wow, I’m so depressed” thrown around often, it’s important to understand that clinical depression is more than just feeling down—especially if you’re dating someone who lives with this condition.

“Partners need to understand that depression isn’t simply sadness; it is a state that can fundamentally affect how a person sees themselves, their partner, and the world around them,” says relationship expert Carolina Pataky, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute.

Before we dive into everything you should know about dating a partner with depression—from what to expect to how to support them—it’s important to clarify that any individual person’s experience of depression may look and feel different from what’s indicated in this article, and the suggestions below may not be helpful for every person with depression (or every person dating someone with depression). This information and advice from experts is meant to serve as a resource for anyone looking to better understand how depression can impact relationships, not as a substitute for professional mental healthcare. So if you or someone you know is struggling, please contact a licensed mental health professional who can better help your individual needs, or visit websites like NAMI and NIMH, which offer treatment options and various resources.

What Does Depression Look Like?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, depression is “a mood disorder that can affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities such as sleeping, eating, or working.”

That said, depression can manifest in a variety of different ways, meaning it doesn’t necessarily “look” like any one thing on the outside.

In general though, “depression is a state of mind and feeling that can leave you feeling alone and empty inside,” says licensed therapist Jason Phillips. “Signs and symptoms vary from person to person, but overall include low energy, poor mood, isolation, too much sleep, not enough sleep, and unhealthy eating habits.”

As you can imagine, these types of symptoms can heavily affect your relationships—especially romantic ones.

What Can You Expect When Dating Someone With Depression?

Again, depression isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation. It can affect everyone—and their relationships—in very different ways. But if you’re dating or otherwise romantically involved with someone who lives with this condition, here are some things you and your partner may experience.

They may seem withdrawn or distant

“When you love someone with depression, you may notice moments where they withdraw, struggle to engage, or feel disconnected from the joy and connection you share,” says Pataky. “This isn’t a reflection of their love for you but rather the lens depression places over their experience.” This may make it seem like your partner is suddenly uninterested in you or unhappy in your current situation, when in reality, it’s just a symptom of their mental health condition.

Pataky says it’s essential not to take these behaviors personally, while still acknowledging the impact they can have on the relationship.

There may be a lot of ups and downs

“If you are dating someone with depression, it is fair to expect unique challenges as well as highs and lows,” says licensed psychotherapist Markesha Miller, PhD. Your partner’s emotions and overall mental health may fluctuate—both on a day-to-day basis and in the longer term. Many people with depression experience it in episodes lasting weeks or months with periods of improved mental health in between, which means its effect on your relationship may also ebb and flow. And while some people find their depression follows a certain pattern or is more likely to occur at specific times of the year, you can’t always predict when a depressive episode will strike.

It may impact your sex life

There’s a direct correlation between libido and depression, which means this condition can significantly affect someone’s sex drive, says Miller. For this reason, your partner may have trouble finding the energy or desire to engage in anything in the bedroom. It’s also worth noting that lowered sex drive is a common side-effect of many anti-depressants, which means your partner’s treatment plan may also affect intimacy.

Depression may shift the dynamic of your relationship

When experiencing a depressive episode, a depressed partner may feel unable to support their partner or put in the emotional work required to maintain the relationship. This can “create imbalances where one partner feels responsible for lifting the other up or compensating emotionally,” says Pataky. “Couples need to navigate these dynamics intentionally with honesty and care, ensuring both partners feel seen, heard, and supported without falling into patterns of rescue or emotional over-functioning.”

How Can You Support a Partner With Depression?

To be clear, many people who struggle with depression also have very healthy, happy relationships. They may just need unique forms of support in order to maintain them.

“Relationships affected by depression require a deeper commitment to empathy, patience, and boundary-setting, not as limitations but as structures that hold both partners with integrity and dignity,” says Pataky.

If you’re dating someone with depression, here are some tips for supporting them and maintaining the health of your relationship.

Know that while you can help, you can’t cure them

While there are many treatment options available to help those with depression, it’s not something that any one person or relationship can magically “cure,” no matter how much you may want to.

“As their partner, it is normal to want to help them find relief from the heaviness of their distress. However, you will not be able to completely eradicate their depression or make them feel better—and trying to will leave you both feeling drained and frustrated,” says Miller.

“Depression deserves the same attention and care we would give to any medical condition,” adds Pataky. “Partners can lovingly support the journey while honoring that they are not the therapist or the cure.”

Be there for them without trying to “fix” them

“Supporting a partner with depression begins with presence, not fixing,” says Pataky.

When supporting a depressed partner, Pataky recommends an approach that’s more validation- than solution-oriented. “One of the most powerful gifts you can offer is to hold space for their experience without rushing to solutions or minimizing their feelings,” she says. “Use language that reflects validation—phrases like, ‘I’m here with you in this’ or ‘I see how heavy this feels today’ can be more connecting than offering advice.”

Understand what they need (and what they don’t)

Just like in any relationship, it’s important to know and understand your partner. “When they have depressive episodes, find out what they need,” suggests Phillips. Do they want you to hold them? Do they want you to give them space? Ask questions so you can better understand how to help them through these moments.

Pataky adds that it’s best to start slow. “Gentle invitations to engage in small, achievable activities together, like a short walk, a shared meal, or a moment of physical affection, can create bridges back to connection without overwhelming pressure,” she explains.

Take care of yourself, too

“It’s important to maintain your own emotional health,” says Pataky. “I encourage partners to stay grounded in their own support systems, therapy, and self-care rituals so that the relationship doesn’t become the sole container for the depression.” Make time for the things that you enjoy like working out, cooking, reading, yoga, meditating, going to therapy, etc. The more you take care of yourself, the better you’ll be able to show up for your partner when they need you.