It’s exam season, and stress levels among children and their parents have risen to a rolling boil.
And once they’re over? Our kids will feel brief relief, until results day looms and they’re back to fretting about their future. Whether it’s school or social media-related pressures, there’s always something for young people to worry about.
And if you’re only ever as happy as your least happy child, that makes for an awful lot of anxious parents.
Following the pandemic, Saskia Joss, a London-based child therapist and anxiety specialist, chose to focus on treating anxiety to help the many young people she saw struggling.
‘I was seeing almost exclusively anxious children,’ she says. ‘They are still grappling with the same core issues they always have: friendship issues and bullying, parents divorcing, moving house, and change, but in recent years, especially since Covid, I’ve seen a noticeable rise in anxiety.’
But take heart. There’s a lot we can do to enable them – and ourselves – to feel more peaceful and secure. In her new book, Help! My Child’s Anxiety is Giving Me Anxiety, Saskia reminds us that our children are lucky to have such capable, caring parents.
‘We are the fortress between them and the scary world and we will work together to help them feel safe and restore their calm.’
Saskia – a mother of two – is a joyful, energetic presence who talks thoughtfully, wittily and fast. It just so happens that she’s the daughter of Vanessa Feltz – they sound alike, look alike, and are clearly close. When Saskia describes how she was mothered, her voice is full of love and laughter. She wants that same sense of security and optimism for all kids, and believes parents have the power to give it. Here she shares her expert advice.
Saskia – a mother of two – is a joyful, energetic presence who talks thoughtfully, wittily and fast. It just so happens that she’s the daughter of Vanessa Feltz
EXAMS ARE NOT EVERYTHING
We’re still in the thick of GCSEs and A levels – and if parents are anxious, we supercharge our teens’ anxiety. To alleviate our own fears, ‘it’s important for parents to remember that exams are not everything,’ says Saskia. Some of the most exciting jobs today need no formal qualifications. ‘If you can hold in mind that your job is to support your child to get where they need to go – and that most do end up with relatively good jobs and relatively happy lives – it helps keep things in perspective. The more we stress about it, the less our children will believe that’s true. And yet it is true.’
‘When we talk to teens about exams, reassure them that you’ll provide practical support. “We’ll help with the logistics. We’ll make a nice sandwich on the day, drive you to the exam, arrange a tutor if there’s time.”
‘But put exams in perspective. Say, “Exams are useful, they can help you get into college or into the job you want later, but they don’t define you. They don’t show me how funny you are, how resilient, how thoughtful, how brave. None of that gets measured.”
‘And if it doesn’t go as hoped? Say, “It’s OK. We’ll figure it out together.” Whether that means finding a different college or exploring a new path, let them know you’ll help them get where they need to go,’ she says.
YOUR PERFECTIONISM IS BAD FOR YOUR CHILD
Children with pushy or highly competitive parents whose love is conditional on their success, will think they’re meant to be perfect – that anything less than A* grades, sporting excellence, and getting into Oxford is a failure. It makes for anxious, unhappy children.
‘Does perfectionism make us feel less loveable? The answer is definitely yes,’ says Saskia.
If a child is anxious, but their parent appears unruffled and competent (even if they’re panicking inwardly), it’s reassuring
‘If this was your experience growing up, it’s hard to escape the feeling that ‘that’s how love is meant to feel’. But you must, for your children’s sake.’
Saskia coaches families in the ‘growth mindset’, which emphasises the value of effort, but not at any cost. For instance, Saskia is dyslexic, and was anxious about reading the audio version of her book. She prepared by daily reading with her son. And she told her children: ‘I still might not be good enough, and that’s OK. I couldn’t have tried harder. Sometimes that happens.’
REMEMBER WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT
Beneath anxiety is fear. If a child is anxious, but their parent appears unruffled and competent (even if they’re panicking inwardly), it’s reassuring.
‘One of the most amazing things about anxiety in children,’ says Saskia, ‘is that they can be calmed by a parent who seems sensible and capable. They know if they scratch their knee, someone will find a plaster, or if they’re hungry someone will make dinner.’
Anxious parents benefit from a similar dynamic. It’s why Saskia shows self-doubting adults all the good they’re doing. ‘I say to them, “Look how capable you are. Look how thoughtful you were when your teenager was upset about not being invited to that party. Yes you were anxious, but look how much is going well.”’
Naturally, hearing this from an expert carries weight – but she suggests confiding in a trusted friend who can say to you, ‘But you’re always so lovely, I always see you trying your best.’
DON’T FRET, THERE IS NO LOOMING CATASTROPHE!
Parents can inadvertently train their child in catastrophic thinking, says Saskia. ‘“They’ve asked for a meeting! They’re going to fire me.” No, they’re just going to talk about the budget. If this sounds like you, show them you can pull yourself back – “Oh hello, there I go, thinking of the worst case scenario!”’
Anxious children (and parents) are also prone to mind reading, so if you spot it, point it out. ‘Your child might say, “She won’t want to play with me because I’m not good at tennis.” But if you respond jokily, “Oh, can you see inside her head?”, we help children who get into anxious thinking patterns notice what they’re doing.’
Without undermining their distress, keep your response appropriate to the seriousness of the situation. ‘If children can see you’re concerned, but there’s a smile on your face – they know you can manage it. Check your face! What is it telling your child?
FACE FEARS TOGETHER, DON’T LIVE WITH THEM!
Anxious adults can make the world seem scarier than it is, warns Saskia. ‘If you’re naturally anxious and your child isn’t, they will still find the world more scary.’
To help our older teens deal with all the anxieties of friendship groups and first relationships, Saskia says: ‘We need to have better, more grown-up conversations where we hold the fear but also put healthy limits around it, so our children don’t have to carry it all. That means talking with them openly about real life: the pressures around alcohol and drinking, how to navigate safe sexual relationships and what consent looks like.’
The key is that these conversations are normal, honest and safe.
‘If we’re not scared to talk about something, then they don’t have to be scared of it either. That makes a huge difference. It tells them: “Whatever it is, we can talk about it and we’ll face it together.”’
IF THEY FEAR EXAMS, BE THEIR SAFE SPACE
It’s easy to betray irritation at your child’s anxiety. Saskia gets it. ‘You’re supporting them, they’re still anxious, and it’s exhausting. But what’s required here is a shift in understanding. Anxiety is a safety mechanism – it’s protecting them from a perceived threat. They’re not doing it to annoy you.’
Whether they’re being physically sick before an exam, or freaking out at a party, anxious children wish they could go and have a nice time but ‘feel as if there’s a lion waiting at the door to eat them’.
Show your child you can protect them and that will help them calm down. If they’re upset, remind yourself: “My child needs connection and to know I’ll look after them.” If your anxious response is to shout at them, ‘You become part of the threatening situation,’ says Saskia, and they’ll simply become more anxious.
AFTER-SCHOOL CLUBS CAN BE EXHAUSTING
‘There’s a feeling a child should be doing chess club on Mondays, police cadets on Tuesdays, mandarin on Thursdays,’ says Saskia. Every single anxious child she sees does after-school activities.
‘Once they’re four or five years old, they do at least three or four a week. And Sunday football, and swimming lessons. Their schedule is packed. They’re exhausted and less able to be resilient.’
It makes them much more likely to be anxious – and parents too. ‘You’re always on. You’re always in a rush. It’s unrelenting.’
We’re teaching children that we don’t relax. Instead, make quiet family time a habit – for teenagers too.
For instance, ‘Everybody sits down with a book and reads. It promotes this feeling that it’s OK to sit quietly. If you find something funny in your book you can share it.’ Or instigate a movie night. ‘Everyone sits together under a blanket, eats popcorn from the same bowl, and watches an age-appropriate film.’
BE MORE LIKE VANESSA FELTZ!
At the root of anxiety is a fear that something bad will happen. A parent’s capacity for optimism is a powerful antidote, as Saskia recalls from her own childhood.
‘My mum is an eternal optimist,’ she says. ‘She’s always excited about the smallest things, such as a sale in the church hall. My mum will be like, “Maybe someone will have made an amazing cake!” So we’ll all schlep on down, and quite often it’s terrible, but the fact we’ve gone together is nice.’
She adds: ‘This ability to find something positive in something small is a mental health win. Rather than going down a hole of dark thoughts, it’s a feeling that there could always be a good thing. Everyone knows the saying “Tomorrow might be better”. Well, my mum is like, “Next minute might be better!”’
FIND THE FUN IN LIFE, IT WON’T COST MUCH
When you’re anxious, the world feels dark. Injecting light doesn’t require dramatic gestures or deep pockets.
‘Play music while your child is in the bath, put cucumbers on their eyes, get them to say “Omm” – make it a spa bath.’ The attitude is, ‘You can find something fun in nothing,’ says Saskia. ‘Much easier than always trying to make these miraculous moments. It’s not about spending big money to go to Disney.’
Citing another of her mother’s ideas, Saskia says: ‘If you’re running down the street with £3 to find the funniest thing you can buy in a charity shop, and that’s the activity for the afternoon, you’ve moved your body, you’ve been outside, you’ve done something together, and you’ve had a really good laugh – you’re much less likely to feel anxious.
‘One of the funny things mum would say when I was a kid was, “Would you rather be punctilious or supercilious?” I didn’t know either of those words. Then we’d have a good laugh if I chose the wrong one or the right one – it didn’t matter!’ Saskia’s upheld the tradition. ‘Yesterday, I said to my children, “Would you rather be a hog or sit on a log?” And they cracked up. No one had to save up, go anywhere. We could just laugh.’
DON’T AVOID PARTIES, THEY’RE NOT THREATS
If your child’s anxiety is triggered by the unexpected, it’s easy to start avoiding events and outings. But by limiting new experiences, we’re actually perpetuating their anxiety.
‘We’re endorsing what they feel, agreeing that what feels like a threat is a threat.’
Instead give teenagers and younger children the chance to discover that, with your help and understanding, they can manage.
ASK ‘WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?’
A good question parents can ask their anxious kid is: ‘What’s the difference?’ As in, ‘What’s the difference between this party and the party last week where you had a good time?’
Or, if they’re anxious about school, ‘What’s the difference between year 7 and year 8?’
There’s no judgement, and you can give options – ‘Was it this? Is it that?’ Once you understand the fear, you can set safe boundaries, says Saskia. ‘The key is, your child has to believe you care that they are distressed, that you will help them make a plan, to make it easier to manage this fear.’
GIVE THEM SOCIAL SCRIPTS TO FOLLOW
Discovering your child is struggling socially triggers anxiety in most parents. To find out what they need, ask, ‘What’s the hardest part?”’ They might say, ‘It’s not having someone to sit with at lunch.’ Especially with younger kids, Saskia advises doing ‘a social walk-through’.
‘On the way to school, you ask, “If you were choosing what you’d play at lunchtime, what would you choose? They might say “the swings”. “And who would you play with…?” If they say, “Simon”, suggest they ask him.
You’ve done the social thinking for them. Help them practice asking for what they want without pressuring the other person – “We can do what you want to do first”. Tell them to ask that friend as soon as they get to school. Anxious kids like a plan.’
As for teenagers, Saskia says: ‘If a teenager doesn’t seem to have many friends, I’d think about what activities they might be able to manage. Could they handle an art class once a week? Could they join a netball team?’
If they do have friends, but things feel shaky socially, create some gentle structure around their social time.
‘For example, set up a regular event that rotates between homes, like we always watch Britain’s Got Talent together on Saturday nights. If there’s a party, great. But if not, they know they’ll be at our house or Sarah’s or Jane’s.
‘That kind of routine makes socialising feel less vulnerable. It removes the risk of asking and being turned down.’
- @helpmychildsanxietybook @saskiajosstherapy