Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so Andrew started a distraction contest to…
…determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.
First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan). If you’re confused about why we’re back to A again, well… we need the other side of the field of 64, and now states from the good ol’ US of A will get a chance to play along with the countries we didn’t include last time. Click here for a better explanation.
*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.
“I Fall to Pieces” by Patsy Cline won East Virginia, and so here we go with your F vote of choice: la belle France. Grab a croissant and a stupid-looking beret, and let’s see what sort of nonsense awaits.
Did you know that 1963 was the only year with multiple foreign language #1 songs on the Billboard Top 40? And the languages were Japanese and French? No kidding. The French song was by the Singing Nun, and no, that will not be a part of this. It was a different time. In fact, let’s prove it by starting off right around then:
1) France Gall, Laisse Tomber Les Filles
The title translates as something like “stop messing around with the girls,” and this is basically a perfect little slice of early 60s pop. The bass line hook right from the start? Pure earworm with no intention of letting go. I have no idea what that convertible is, and would be grateful for any help in the comments (at least in identifying it, although I’m also willing to have someone buy me one).
Gall was never a vocal powerhouse or anything, but she does have a certain je ne sais quoi (LOOK I USED FRENCH, and that won’t happen again) that’s somehow charmingly sincere as she sings “well screw it boy, I tried to warn you.” Did I mention the bass line? Dat bass.
I’m compelled to note this was produced by Serge Gainsbourg, cynic and pervert extraordinaire. He’d follow this up with “Les Sucettes,” a perfectly innocent song about a young lady named Annie who likes lollipops. They even made a video.
Oh. Oh, I see.
2) Daft Punk, Around the World
It’s Daft Punk, what do you want me to say? French techno robots. Dancing skeletons, aliens, and mummies. I guess you could argue that I could’ve picked any one of a half-dozen other songs, and you’d have a point, but dancing skeletons.
Back in 1998, the Grammies nominated “Da Funk” for best dance recording, and then promptly awarded it to a Donna Summer song (in 1998) that peaked at #25 on the US Dance charts. Not content with being complete idiots once, the Grammies passed over them again the next year for Madonna’s “Ray of Light.” The other nominated artists were Boy George, Cyndi Lauper, and Gloria Estefan. In 1999. Yeah, Daft Punk never had a chance.
They finally won Best Dance Recording in 2009 for a vastly inferior remix of “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”, a song released in 2001. Frankly, the Grammies got it wrong that time too, passing over both “Just Dance” and “Disturbia” for it. Madonna was also nominated again, because of course she was.
3) Sebastien Tellier, Divine
The obligatory Eurovision entry, and sweet Lord what an entry it is. The chorus of bearded ladies are the obvious thing to note, but my favorite part is at 1:20. He inhales who knows what out of the inflatable globe, and proceeds to sound like a worn-out cassette for the next 20 seconds. Tremendous. Absolutely amazing. Like watching Mark Sanchez’s butt fumble for the first time.
I genuinely have *no* idea what any of this means, which is pretty impressive since it’s mostly in English. Apparently it finished in 19th place, because Eurovision viewers are a bunch of Philistines. Usually the idiots in the crowd will cheer just about anything, and they sound more like Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate just finished performing.
4) Paul Mauriat: Love Is Blue
I went out of my way not to include this, and then that album art popped up and here we are.
No seriously, look at it. You’ve got suave, silky smooth singers out there like Frank Sinatra and Adriano Celentano and Barry White, and here’s Paul Mauriat doing his level best to look like a one-off character straight out of a Benny Hill sketch. He’s the guy who drives that 3-wheeled blue car in Mr. Bean.
Somehow, this guy hit #1 on the Billboard charts in the US in 1968, right in the midst of the Summer of Love and Woodstock, with a harpsichord solo. I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.
What would Purple Haze sound like on harpsichord? I don’t know that either.
It was the first instrumental #1 in 6 years, the last being “Telstar” by the Tornados. I guess the British Invasion caused a drought, because there were 8 instrumental #1s from 1959-62 alone, 3 in 1968-69, and then 11 more from 1973-79. And literally none in the last 40 years, unless you count Harlem Shake (and you don’t).
5) Hector Berlioz: Symphonie Fantastique
That’s right, the whole hour long thing. Deal. “Why did you include this?!?” BECAUSE IT’S NOT THAT HACK CLAUDE DEBUSSY.
This is better known for essentially being a fever dream reflecting Berlioz’s obsession with an Irish actress. “His biographer Hugh Macdonald writes of Berlioz’s “emotional derangement” in obsessively pursuing her, without success, for several years. She refused even to meet him. He sent her numerous love letters, all of which were unanswered.” Thanks Wikipedia! So, you know, perfectly healthy. Can’t imagine how that particular marriage was a disaster.
However, it’s lesser known for being played in orbit around the Moon, as Ken Mattingly listened to it during Apollo 16. He followed it up with a tape of Holst’s “The Planets,” so there’s your cultural trivia for the day. I’m going to pretend he played an 8-track of “In A Gadda Da Vida” after that.
Plastic Bertrand – Ça Plane Pour Moi
As it turns out, he’s Belgian, so honorable mention it is.
Therion – En Alabama
A Swedish symphonic metal cover of a French yé-yé song about Alabama? This is the best thing that’s happened since Andrew found Italian vampire goth metal. You know what, let’s just repost that and see if anyone notices.
Theatres des Vampires – Carmilla
Poll
Please select your vote for France.
-
100%
France Gall – Laisse Tomber Les Filles
(1 vote)
-
0%
Daft Punk – Around the World
(0 votes)
-
0%
Sebastien Tellier – Divine
(0 votes)
-
0%
Paul Mauriat – Love Is Blue
(0 votes)
-
0%
Hector Berlioz – Symphonie Fantastique
(0 votes)
1 vote total
Poll
Here, let’s make the G voting as simple as possible.
-
0%
Georgia, the state
(0 votes)
-
0%
Georgia, the country
(0 votes)
-
50%
Georgia, the state AND the country
(1 vote)
-
50%
Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Guinea Equatorial, and Guyana
(1 vote)
2 votes total