Dear Lucas: The last few months have been wearing on me, and no matter how much sleep I get, I can’t seem to get caught up. I tried asking another advice columnist for some pointers, and they simply told me to Google it. I think I need to blow off some steam and relax, but things just seem so stressful. What would you do?
Dear Reader: Sometimes when people get burned out, they find a new job. But quitting your job is for quitters. Be a Real Man™ and get fired.
Dump several large cans of pork and beans into the work toilets. When they ask you why you did this, tell them it’s to keep away the eels that lurk in the plumbing. This is a real problem.
If your problems are not work related – let’s say they are family related – invite everyone over for dinner. When they arrive, tell them that there’s no dinner, just you and the hurdy-gurdy you bought on Facebook Marketplace.
As the night wears on and they tire of your improvised Belarusian folk music, warn them that leaving a hurdy gurdy recital is bad luck, and they should stick around and enjoy the light refreshments for just one more “song.”
If your family finds this obnoxious, good. They’ll be united against you and your hurdy gurdy. As a result, they’ll stop arguing for a couple days, instead using that time to gripe about your poorly developed chops and recycled melodies.
Perhaps there is no acute source of your stress, and your burnout is the result of various personal, professional and social factors you’re too frazzled to make sense of.
If so, you need something to focus your nervous energy on. Some people pick up new hobbies or take a social media break, but this isn’t Dear Annie; I’m not here to exploit people’s personal drama for clicks while offering obvious solutions. I’m here to encourage temper tantrums and egg on antisocial behavior.
To paraphrase the great Tyler, the Creator: When life gives you lemons, throw them at pedestrians.
Go to the grocery store and punch some loaves of bread. Rent/buy a goat and teach it to headbutt people on command. Stand at the top of a hill and chuck barrels at couples having picnics in the adjacent park.
If your tolerance for legal risk is low, or you’re still on probation, you can stick to some of these less felonious suggestions.
But either way, you’re right that you need to go have some fun. Just make sure to avoid those eels lurking in the plumbing.
Previous questions
Ask Lucas: The eels lurking in the plumbing attacked my daughter
Ask Lucas: My neighbor’s prickly hedge clippings keep falling into our yard
Ask Lucas: Can women use men’s restrooms when the lines are too long?
Ask Lucas: Am I a bad mom for making my kid watch a violent-ish movie?
Look at this handsome fella. His name is Lucas, and he will be writing more columns like this, despite common sense saying this should stop while he’s ahead. If you want to send hate mail or, for some reason, ask for his advice, please send an email to ldaprile@cleveland.com.