How Do I Get Over My Approach Anxiety? – Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve never had trouble talking to women and have built some great friendships over the years. While my dating life hasn’t been especially active, I’ve had a few dates here and there. However, I’ve noticed two recurring patterns in my romantic relationships: first, many of the women I’ve been involved with have struggled with mental health issues or low self-esteem, and second, I’ve never felt a strong physical attraction to them. I’m actively working on the first issue, but today, I want to focus on the second.

I approach this from the perspective that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ Logically, I know there’s no rule saying conventionally attractive people can only date other conventionally attractive people. However, I’ve noticed that physical attraction plays a significant role in how I experience potential relationships. If a woman is attractive — whether in an ‘average’ or above-average sense — or has a great figure or carries herself with confidence, it definitely influences how strongly I connect with her. Unfortunately, I tend to feel disconnected, which sometimes makes me feel unworthy of their attention. I was the shy, nerdy type in school and college, never fitting in with the ‘popular’ crowd, and I think this has shaped how I view myself and my worth in these situations. I also studied in a field that was male-dominated, so this made it more difficult to meet women when I was younger, and I do remember male peers being involved in social circles that were more helpful (think: IT nerd compared to a jock).

It’s also worth noting that I’m not exclusively attracted to any one type, but I do find certain styles, like alternative women, particularly appealing.

My present hobbies are more female-dominated now-a-days, and I regularly attend a meet-up group where I’m very popular and get along with everyone, except for the more attractive and popular women. I’ve never spoken to them, and they haven’t spoken to me either. This dynamic seems to be consistent across the board. However, this isn’t a hard and fast rule in my life. There’s one woman at work whom I find stunning, both inside and out, and we get along well — though we don’t have many shared interests, the relationship is strictly professional, and she’s married.

On top of that, I’m also confused about my own attractiveness. Even though people often tell me I fit the ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ stereotype, I’ve never received much attention based on my appearance. It seems like none of my hobbies or style resonate with anyone either. I’m into fitness and the outdoors, but women who share those interests don’t seem to take an interest in me. I’m also a bit alternative myself, enjoying rock music and having a noticeable tattoo, but I don’t think I’ve met many women who are into that lifestyle either. I simply can’t seem to meet and/or connect with the women I’d like to be more involved with.

I want to be clear: while physical appearance isn’t the most important thing for me in a relationship — I prioritize shared interests and values — I do feel like my internalized beliefs about physical attraction sometimes prevent me from fully connecting with women I find physically appealing.

Hot or Not?

DEAR HOT OR NOT: There’re a lot of things in your letter that jump out at me, HoN, and I will be pulling them to comment on them, but I feel like this right here should be the starting point: “Logically, I know there’s no rule saying conventionally attractive people can only date other conventionally attractive people. However, I’ve noticed that physical attraction plays a significant role in how I experience potential relationships”

This is what we in the dating advice industry call a “Duh George”. Yes, shockingly, for people who experience sexual attraction, how sexually attractive they find someone plays a significant role in their relationship. That’s basically how people work. The place where it starts to enter quibble territory is on what makes a person attractive, which can be highly variable, and personal to the observer.

Wanting to date people who you’re physically and sexually attracted to is entirely normal and reasonable. In your case, you’re finding you’re more attracted to women who fit the commonly held Western standards of female beauty and that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s also not surprising: that’s part of why we tend to refer to it as “conventionally attractive” – it’s what most people agree upon as making someone attractive.

Yes, it’s almost always a good thing to interrogate why you find certain features or attributes attractive and whether it’s something you’re into or feel like you’re supposed to be into it. At the end of the day, you like who you like and what you like and again, that’s fine. But sometimes… well, sometimes we get cases like yours.

This may or may not make you feel better, HoN, but you’re hardly the first nerd or nerd-adjacent guy I know who’s had the issue of trying to NOT be attracted to women they consider “out of their league”. In fact, in many cases, there’s an almost performative element to the extent that some nerds pride themselves about liking women who don’t fit conventional beauty standards. This is how we end up with things like Ernest Klein’s deeply cringey spoken-word poem ‘Nerd Porn Auteur’, something that ranks as a crime against humanity and also my ears. ��At the risk of putting myself in hot water with my fellow nerd-brethren, I honestly think that a significant number of folks who loudly proclaim that Velma was categorically hotter than Daphne were, quite frankly, unsure as to whether they were trying to convince themselves or everyone else. Doubly so if we’re talking about the period before the producers got in on the joke and Linda Cardellini got cast in the live action movie.

(It also lands us in places where people who are unquestionably hot are called “mid” or implied to be unattractive because they weren’t tall, willowy blondes; LOOKING AT YOU, EVERY CASTING DIRECTOR WHO EVER PUT JEANINE GARAFFALO IN THE ‘UNATTRACTIVE NERDY FRIEND’ ROLE!)

Does this mean that nerd and geek men don’t love women who have unconventional looks or don’t follow the a la mode trends and styles? Of course not. But there are a lot of dudes who pursue folks they’re not into in part because those women are seen as being more attainable, rather than being someone they find physically attractive or who is actually a good match for them. They’re choosing partners they think are either on “their level” or who are “the best they could expect”, which, honestly, is pretty insulting for everyone involved. Nobody likes feeling like someone’s consolation prize, especially when one person legitimately thinks their partner is the hottest thing since WWIII and the other… well, the other is doing their best hide their overall feeling of “you’ll have to do.”

(There’s also the corollary of dudes who don’t or won’t openly date the people they’re actually attracted to because they’re worried about what their friends – or society – would say, but that’s another topic for another time.)

It sounds to me like you fall very firmly in the “well, nobody hot could like me because I’m a nerd” trope and it’s shaped a lot of your self-image. There’re many such cases, and f–k knows I was as big a victim of that as any. But at the same time – and I’m speaking from personal experience here – there’s a point to which this becomes something you do to yourself. Yes, pop culture has its share of the blame (I could write volumes about Pretty In Pink/Some Kind of Wonderful all on their own, followed by the assorted works of Joss Whedon), as does plain old every day culture. At the same time, however, there was – and still is – a tendency for the geeky and nerdy men to get into a defensive crouch that’s equal parts insecurity about perceived inferiority and a preemptive rejection of others; a “you can’t fire me, I quit” sort of behavior, often based around being “better” than that.

This sort of defensiveness tends to cause nerds, especially nerdy guys, to huddle up under the assumption that non-nerds, especially anyone who might be seen as “cool” or “popular” – like jocks – as disdainful of them at best and their natural enemies at worst. As a result, you end up with folks who choose to self-isolate into increasingly small and balkanized communities and hissing like feral cats at everyone who isn’t part of it, working under the assumption that other people must dislike them already.

I mean, your field of study didn’t mean you couldn’t have a social life outside of it. Sure, you spent a lot of time with your classmates, but you could still have done things like joined clubs or student organizations that would’ve brought you in regular contact with folks who weren’t just your fellow STEM majors. It seems like a lot of this was a matter of choice for you.

In fact, this is a theme that comes up rather frequently in your letter. This part, in particular, leapt out and bit me: “I regularly attend a meet-up group where I’m very popular and get along with everyone, except for the more attractive and popular women. I’ve never spoken to them, and they haven’t spoken to me either.”��(Emphasis added.) ��I hate to say it but… well there’s your problem! If you’re not talking to these people at all, I’m entirely unsurprised that you don’t get along with them. You don’t interact with them! The odds are very good that you’re giving off “I don’t want to talk to you” vibes that would put people off who are trying to connect with you. Someone has to be very motivated – or very self-centered – to push past glaring signs of disinterest in order to start a conversation.

And honestly, it does seem to be entirely based around the potential dateability of them. I couldn’t help but also notice this part: “we get along well — though we don’t have many shared interests, the relationship is strictly professional, and she’s married.” Again, emphasis added. It’s easy to feel comfortable enough to have a good relationship with someone when they’re both entirely unavailable and your relationship is entirely based around working together. You’re not afraid of being rejected because there’s nothing to be rejected over; you’re co-workers, and that’s all you’re expecting out of this.

I think that belief of pre-rejection is forming the core of your problem. In fact, it sounds like you’re expecting more encouragement or comment from people than is reasonable, especially from women, before you give yourself permission to feel good about your looks and our own attractiveness. And it seems pretty clear that this self-limiting belief is holding you back from actually, y’know, talking to people you’re into.

I mean, you comment that you’re in various different scenes – fitness and outdoorsmanship, rock music, etc. – and the women in those scenes don’t show interest in you. OK but… how much interest are you showing in them. Are you even talking to them? Not approaching, not flirting or trying to get dates, but just making small talk? Any sort of behavior that isn’t a strict Joe Friday “Just the facts, ma’am” interaction?

(Google it, kids.)

Because if you’re not? I’m not exactly surprised you’re not getting any traction there. And to be quite honest, if you’re waiting for the high sign of “ah, you are hot, you should know that I think you are quite hot”, you will be waiting a long, long time.

Some of this is because, as a general rule, women are unlikely to comment about the looks of a man they don’t know well. In fact, there is a lot of reasons for them not to – not the least of which being that they don’t know how the guy will react. Many women know from personal experience, that there are guys who will receive any sort of compliment, even “hey, nice jacket!” as “Take me now in a manly fashion”. And as I’ve said many, many times before, even in the far-flung future of 2025, there’s a lot of social pressure on women not to make the first move or to be overt in their interest.

Just as much of it, however is that I kind of doubt that you would either recognize or believe it if women were giving you signs of interest. If you don’t believe that people could find you attractive, the confirmation bias lurking in your brain is going to dismiss anything that isn’t at the level of “I want to take you into the bathroom and I will suck you dry” as either a mistake or your misreading the situation… and even if it were at that level, you would likely think it was a trick or a prank.

Again, as someone who has dealt with this issue myself, I can attest to this response from personal experience. Sorry, Lisa, I honestly thought you were making fun of me during our sophomore year.

The problem really does come down to your not feeling like you’re permitted to approach or interact with the people you find attractive, simply because you don’t think you are attractive enough to be found “worthy”. But the cold and hard truth is that waiting for other people to validate your hotness before you let yourself believe in yourself will ever fill that void. All that external validation is only going to be temporary at best, and the slightest setback or even perceived hitch or hesitation will topple your self-esteem like a Jenga tower balanced on a single brick. Your sense of your own desirability has to come from within, first. If it requires you to think you’re being a little delusional… well, fine. Be delusional. It harms nobody and benefits you immensely.

A lot of it is going to come down to your being willing to treat yourself like you think you’re hot, first. That means dressing in ways that you think make you look like a sexy bad-ass, even if you think you’re just cosplaying at first. It means carrying yourself with confidence and assurance, even if at the start, you’re consciously having to remind yourself to stand up straight, square your shoulders and walk with a bit of relaxed swagger and rhythm. And it means being willing to not just let yourself be attracted to someone hot, but to behave as though you’re “permitted” to. Because right now? The main reason you’re dating the people you are – the relationships that have been leaving you so unsatisfied – is because you’re dating the people you presume aren’t going to reject you.

There’s no reward without risk and there’s no dating without the risk of getting rejected. Not everyone we like is going to like us back and vice versa. But if you’re avoiding the people you do like in order to avoid rejection? Then you’re just going to end up in one unsatisfying relationship after another. And that’s not fair to you or to the people who are dating you because they like you, even when you’re not so hot on them.

Start cultivating that relationship with yourself, HoN and work on getting over this feeling that you have to be THIS hot to get on this ride. Otherwise, you’re just going to be having the same issues going forward.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com