Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt, 

My husband and I live in a pricey city. We work hard and make good salaries and save money, but we don’t have a windfall coming. We rent a small apartment, but we’ll never be able to buy here. Many of our friends have super high-paying jobs, family money, or both. They’re rich. Some of them are very rich.

One friend’s parents had bought her apartment for her in a doorman-building (snazzy). Another friend’s mom owns the building he lives in, and he doesn’t pay rent. Another friend was recently got a half-a-million-dollar bonus. When we first learned all this, we were both super envious!

But as I got to know these friends more, and understood more about their situations, I realized the money isn’t as great as it seems. Several friends’ parents use wealth as a bargaining chip with them—they dole it out at their discretion and threaten to take it away. Others work so much they never see anyone or feel stuck in careers they hate. Their apartments are very nice! But I wouldn’t swap our situation for theirs.

My husband has not come to the same conclusion. He still insists that these friends all have it easy because they’re rich. A lost job, a health setback— he says these things are no big deal for our friends, that they’ll be fine because they’re rich and that the money they have access to will insulate them from anything truly bad.

I’m really worried that he’s become callous, and I don’t know how to tell him without it sounding like I’m criticizing him. He has joked that I’m picking the wrong side in the class war. Help!

—Meet the Rich

Dear Meet the Rich,

It sounds like you and your husband are dealing with financial inequality in your friendships in different ways. For your part, you’ve found peace in recognizing that wealth often comes with hidden costs, like being manipulated by others or staying in a job you hate.

  1. Help! My Boyfriend Forgave Me for What I Did to Him. He Really Shouldn’t Have.

  2. Help! I Invited Someone Into My Home as a Houseguest. Now I’m Selling My Plasma to Keep This Up.

  3. We Asked a Bride If She’d Received Our Gift. Her Response Was Outrageous.

  4. My Son Won’t Stop Marking His Territory

But your husband, understandably, is more worried about the stability and security that money provides. And he’s not wrong. Wealth protects people from so many hardships in life, from housing decisions to medical conditions to car troubles. In other words, both your perspectives have some truth to them, and your husband’s frustration about this inequality is totally valid, even if his expression of it is starting to seem callous or cynical.

The real issue, it seems, is that you don’t want your different perspectives to cause tension in your marriage. So rather than try and convince him to see things your way, you might acknowledge his feelings while gently steering the conversation. For example, maybe you could say something like, “I understand why you feel frustrated. I just worry when I hear us talking about our friends in ways that feel dismissive of their other struggles or too pessimistic about our own lives.”

And then, instead of debating whether your friends have it easy, maybe focus on what you two can control —  your financial goals, your relationships, and how you talk about people you care about. The real issue isn’t whether money is “good” or “bad,” it’s about processing your own (legitimate!) frustrations about inequality without it creating tension in your relationship.

—Kristin

More Advice From Slate

My sister got married recently. Some weeks before the big day, she pulled me aside and asked me to dye my bright blue and purple hair a more innocuous color so that I wouldn’t stand out too much. She wouldn’t listen to reason as to how I love my hair, nor as to how the process of bringing it to a more natural color would be difficult, expensive, and damaging. At the suggestion of a friend, I invested in an excellent honey-brown human hair wig, similar to my actual hair texture and length. Her big day went off without a hitch, and she never even seemed to notice my “innocuous” hair. At the end of the reception, after nearly everyone had left and my family and I were helping tidy up, I removed the wig.

The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox three times a week.