The other day, my friend’s 16-year-old daughter messaged her to ask: ‘Mum, do I ever seem narcissistic? I just did a TikTok quiz.’ As her teen had already asked if she might need therapy for ADHD or Borderline Personality Disorder, this time my friend smiled wryly before replying: ‘No, but these questions are certainly giving me anxiety.’ While it’s true her daughter can be as self-centred as any teenager, she certainly doesn’t have a personality disorder – and at this stage of her identity development, she’s far too young for even the most experienced professional to make a diagnosis. What we DO all have are smartphones, constantly serving us a carousel of social media posts offering mental health conditions like menu choices.
Of course, understanding our minds better is no bad thing. In 2025, we’re more open than ever about personal struggles and far likely to reach out for help than try to push through. But that brings a new risk: the rise of overly simplistic self-diagnosis.
This week, Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson took a major step to address the growing number of young people not entering the workplace after school because they feel unable to cope. In response, she’s introducing changes to the Relationships, Sex and Health Education curriculum, aiming to provide a more nuanced picture.
‘It will equip children to develop grit and resilience from the get-go, helping them understand that feeling a little down or anxious for a while is normal and nothing to worry about, and not, in itself, a sign of a mental health condition.’
There does seem to have been a shift. Not only have requests for newer diagnoses like ADHD exploded, but according to a recent study in the journal PLOS ONE, terms like ‘anxiety’ and ‘depression’ have also become catch-alls over the last 50 years. Researchers found they’ve shifted from describing serious psychiatric states to being used for the most normal feelings of sadness or worry. So how do we tell what’s helpful – and what’s harmful – for young people and for ourselves?
Is it a normal worry – or anxiety?
If you didn’t think you had high-functioning anxiety before, half an hour on TikTok could easily convince you otherwise. Tear-streaked influencers gaze into the distance to a soundtrack of moody piano music, describing ‘the living hell’ of being ‘crippled’ and ‘suffocated’ by anxiety symptoms as diverse as people-pleasing, self-doubt and feeling nervous in new situations.
As a Gestalt psychotherapy counsellor, I’d say that when we label ourselves as “having anxiety” rather than saying “I’m having an anxious thought,” we’re telling ourselves we can’t cope. Research shows that when psychiatric labels become part of our identity, they can actually block us from moving on. Our symptoms can also develop to fit the diagnosis we’ve given ourselves.
It’s more helpful to dig down and work out what you’re really feeling, rather than slap on a label that only makes it more overwhelming. Is it anxiety – or just a worry about having a lot on your plate? Stressed about work? Might it be time for a break, better boundaries or some delegation? If you’re anxious your partner might cheat on you after the wedding, are you imagining a scenario that hasn’t even happened yet? Would it help to remind yourself that, right now, everything’s fine?
In a culture so focused on optimising wellness, we forget that just as physically healthy people can get ill, mentally well people also have down days
None of these feelings are pleasant. But instead of trying to push them away, it helps to remind yourself they are your brain’s way of trying to protect you. A certain amount of worry isn’t just normal. It’s necessary. It helps keep us motivated to do what needs to be done. Rather than pathologise them, it’s more effective to notice and process them.
One way to do this is to try the 90-second rule: This means tuning into how the neurochemicals of stress and fear show up in your body, observing them – and then letting them pass. According to neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor:
“When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body. For those chemicals to totally flush out of the body, it takes less than 90 seconds. This means that for 90 seconds you can watch the process happening, you can feel it happening, and then you can watch it go away. ‘After that, if you continue to feel fear, anger and so on, you need to look at the thoughts that you’re thinking that are re-stimulating the circuitry that is resulting in you having this physiological response over and over again.”
So am I having a bad day – or is it depression?
Feeling low? Spend too much time with some influencers on social media and you may start to fear you’re trapped in a quicksand of depression with no way out. In reality, most sad feelings are a sign your emotions are in proper working order – a normal response to life’s inevitable lows. In a culture so focused on optimising wellness, we forget that just as physically healthy people can get ill, mentally well people also have down days.
Sad feelings shift with time, rest or a change in activity; depression lasts several weeks or more
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Again, it helps to get more granular. Is the sadness a response to a disappointment that feels like a failure – like not getting a job you really wanted? Are those painful, visceral feelings when you ‘get something wrong’ echoes of shame from childhood, when it was used as a disciplinary tool – and has now become internalised? Is what you’re calling depression actually anger and irritation you don’t feel able to express – now turned inwards on yourself?
The key difference between feeling low and having depression is how long those feelings last. Most sad feelings shift with time, rest, care, comfort, or a change in activity.
Depression tends to be a whole-body experience that lasts several weeks or more, in which you also feel tired, lacking in energy, your appetite changes, and you no longer enjoy things you used to. All these are signs you need to seek advice from a medical professional.
How to become more resilient
So how do we get more resilient in a world that constantly tells us there’s something wrong with us?
With all the mental health talk, it might seem like the best option is to opt out of the conversation. But research consistently shows that processing emotions, whether by noticing them in your body, writing them down, or talking them through with someone who really listens, is key to better mental balance.
As author of the book ‘Feeling Blah? Why Life Feels Joyless and How to Recapture Its Highs’, I’d also say we need to reset our expectations. Somewhere along the way, we picked up the idea that we’re supposed to be happy all the time and there’s something seriously wrong if we’re not.
But here’s the tough truth: Your brain wasn’t designed to make you happy. It was designed to help you survive and it pays more attention to that than making you feel good. In today’s fast-paced, high-stress world, we also have to take conscious steps to reduce rising levels of cortisol – which is one of the key contributors to anxiety and depression – and which never get a chance to reset in our 24/7 culture.
While that might feel daunting, the upside is that neuroscience is starting to show us how happy feelings are made in the brain. What helps is understanding how the brain’s reward system works – and how to release healthy amounts of dopamine by using our brains the way they were meant to be used: through seeking, anticipation, having goals, looking forward to things, and discovering new experiences.
If you do come across a mental health label that resonates, try using it as a springboard to learn more about yourself, not as a new identity .Don’t rely on influencers boiling down complex issues into a 30-second video. Ask people you trust – a partner, family member or therapist – whether the label really fits.
Even if you do get a diagnosis – whether it’s ADHD or Avoidant Attachment – remember, it’s not all you are. Bring a growth mindset to how you feel too.
Over time, instead of accepting what social media tells us, ask a different question. Instead of pondering: ‘How’s my mental health?’, ask a different, more robust question: “How do I get mentally fitter?’
Tanith Carey @tanithcareytherapy is a psychology and parenting author, Gestalt counsellor. Her book Feeling Blah? Why Life Feels Joyless and How to Recapture Its Highs can be found at https://shorturl.at/fiuTg