You picture your child bouncing with excitement about the first day of school. Instead, you find them in tears in the days leading up to the big day. Sound familiar? As schools across the country kick off a new year, it’s a useful reminder that transitions affect each child differently. For students of all ages, a confusing mix of feelings can happen when endings and new beginnings take place simultaneously.
This time of year actually reminds me of an end-of-school experience I had with my son when he left his beloved elementary school for the last time. The faculty and staff had this awesome tradition where they lined the halls to blow bubbles as students exited on the final day. I happened to pick up my son that day, so I got to experience walking through that tunnel of bubbles alongside him.
As we reached the car, I asked if he thought that was fun and if he was excited to start summer break. When I turned, I saw a very sad fourth-grader who replied that he could not stop thinking about how that was the last time he would ever walk through those familiar school doors. His response caught me a little off guard. Even though I am a psychologist who teaches and researches emotions, I hadn’t expected this answer. To me, it was a powerful reminder about how we each experience situations in different ways, and it’s important not to assume a shared emotional response.
Navigating the Big Feelings of School Transitions
As children and their caregivers prepare to launch into a new school year, here are some tips to check in and help navigate those big feelings.
Build understanding of emotions. Research shows the importance of skill in identifying and labeling emotions. When children gain skill with more specific emotion vocabulary, they are building a foundation for self-regulation. Try a Feelings Forecast approach: Children first identify their feelings as stormy, so-so, or sunny, then explore specific words that capture their experience. You might ask, “I notice you seem a bit stormy about starting school. What do you think? Can you help me understand what stormy means for you now—are you feeling worried, sad, frustrated, or maybe a mix of things?”
Whereas elementary children might need help with basic emotion words and benefit from emotion charts with pictures, middle and high schoolers can explore more complex feelings, using words like “overwhelmed,” “anxious about fitting in,” or “disappointed about schedule changes.” Use this approach during car rides or bedtime routines, when children often open up more naturally.
Share feelings together. Connecting with others creates a simple yet powerful emotion-coping tool. When you share stormy feelings and receive supportive feedback through conversation, you validate the emotional experience and may reduce the intensity of those feelings. It’s a strategy that our team calls Feel It Together. Feeling it together doesn’t mean solving problems or dismissing feelings; it’s about offering steady, supportive presence. When my son shared his sadness about leaving elementary school, it was hard, but I held back my urge to jump into problem-solving. Instead, I worked to acknowledge what he was feeling: “It sounds like you’re really going to miss this place. Tell me what you’ll miss most.”
For younger children, try saying, “I can see this feels really big for you. I’m here.” They often also benefit from physical comfort alongside verbal validation. Teens, on the other hand, prefer validation that acknowledges their majority and doesn’t feel patronizing. Try saying, “This sounds really hard. Feeling overwhelmed about changes is tough for me too. Want to tell me more about what’s worrying you most?” Use this strategy when sharing feels natural rather than forced, like during a walk or while folding laundry.
Focus attention to shift emotions. Mindful attention exercises offer a simple tool to refocus attention when you feel stuck in stormy feelings and help children develop what we call present-moment awareness. This isn’t about avoiding feelings, but creating space around them. We teach this through a simple strategy called Smell the Roses, a sensory pause to discover what you can see, hear, smell, and touch. Research shows us that sensation can impact emotion in milliseconds, making this strategy a fast and minimally intensive tool to help refocus attention. Incorporating opportunities to connect with nature, like watching clouds or listening to birds, can make this sensory mindfulness strategy even more powerful. After acknowledging my son’s sadness, we paused what we were doing to use our senses to bring focus to the present moment. In that mindful moment, we focused on the beautiful sunny day and the yummy taste of ice cream at our favorite shop.
Younger kids might enjoy making a game out of this strategy. Try saying, ” Let’s be detectives and find three things we can hear!” or “Simon says freeze. What’s one thing you can see right now? Is there anything you can smell or feel?” For older kids, try saying, “Sometimes when my thoughts are spinning, it helps me when I use my senses to anchor. Want to try a quick sensory check with me?” Start by practicing this strategy during calm moments, such as while waiting in the car or before bedtime.
Explore alternative interpretations. Another strategy involves viewing situations from different perspectives. When you adjust the way you look at something, you don’t dismiss feelings; instead, you acknowledge the feelings and explore alternative ways to view a situation. This helps shift thoughts when facing difficult emotions, and is part of what’s called cognitive reframing. Researchers are learning more about the importance of this skill and the flexibility with which a person can use emotion regulation tools to shift their attention. In our work, we teach vocabulary around shifting perspective through a strategy called Turn the Dial. With my son, this meant acknowledging his heavy feelings about leaving elementary school while also helping him explore his curiosity about what summer and a new school could bring. We talked about how endings create space for new beginnings, and how his time at elementary school helped him grow in ways to be ready for new adventures.
When trying this strategy, younger children benefit from concrete, simple reframes, like “I hear that you’re sad about leaving your teacher. What’s one thing you’re curious about in your new classroom?” Older children can engage in more complex perspective-taking and generate alternative viewpoints themselves. Try prompting with “It makes sense that you’re nervous about not knowing anyone in the new school. What’s another way to look at this change, like one small thing that might go well on the first day?” Use this approach during routine conversations, like at dinner, so it’s available before emotions run high.
Moving Forward Together
Caregivers who check in and tune in help their children navigate school transitions more successfully. Creating space for conversations about the big feelings that transitions can bring builds their skills to handle future experiences. Whether a child bounces with excitement or wrestles with worry about transition, there’s no right or wrong. It’s about navigating together, building emotion skills that will serve them through many transitions that come through life.