Somebody drops a glass in a pub. The correct reaction is:
1. Ignore it and carry on with your drink.
2. Cheer loudly and clap.
3. Immediately rush over and offer to help to clear it up. How mortifying!
This simple test is a great way to spot the out-of-towners (the correct answer is 2). But it’s just one of many great British life lessons that await the Democrat-supporting celebrities who have threatened to pack their bags and move across the Pond after the US election. The Ugly Betty star America Ferrera has even reportedly been looking at schools in Barnes, southwest London, for her young children, saying she is “sick” that Trump has been re-elected. The actresses Sophie Turner and Minnie Driver have recently upped sticks and moved back to their country of birth.
The UK won’t be a mystery to any of them. London is one of New York’s closest cultural cousins. But Barnes is a long way from Blackpool; a week treading the red carpet in Leicester Square is not the same as a bank holiday in actual Leicester; New England has considerably nicer-looking autumn leaves than the place that gave it its name.
There are certain terms of engagement for life on our small island, especially when it comes to holidays. Brits love to travel — we made 86.2 million visits abroad in 2023, incredible given we’re a nation of about 70 million — and we’re very idiosyncratic while we’re at it.
So before Hollywood’s finest settle for a life in our, er, sunlit uplands, here’s the wisdom of a thirtysomething travel writer about how to holiday like a true Brit.
Blackpool is a quintessentially British holiday destination
ALAMY
1. At various points in the year there is TRAVEL CHAOS. Usually on the last Friday of the summer term and in May and October (half-term). Everyone will be in a lather and it’s your duty to get to the airport/ferry terminal/Eurostar station six hours in advance to wait for whatever it is you’re boarding to be delayed. But …
2. … at least you can buy a bottle of prosecco in the Gatwick Wetherspoons at 5am to keep you company.
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3. We Brits all say we hate the budget airline Ryanair, even though it carried more than 180 million passengers last year. It’s why everyone claps when the plane lands. Just bring only your… fanny pack, is it?
4. We also love to complain about British Airways, the UK’s flag carrier, for any and all reasons, but the usual objections are food: the crap snacks in economy, and the fact that there is no longer a three-course dinner menu in business class after 9pm. The bonus is that it serves free and unlimited booze, which will startle our more puritanical American friends.
5. And if you’re flying to the Costa del Sol, be prepared to wake up at dawn to nab a sunbed. The likelihood of you finding one after breakfast is as likely as the DFS Furniture sale ever ending.
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6. We don’t go in for big border walls — the last one we built, Hadrian’s, was nearly 2,000 years ago. Instead there is rather an attitude at the UK frontier, where you will be made to feel like you’ve done something illegal just because you dared hand over your passport still in its holder.
7. A staycation is just another word for a holiday in the UK.
A full English breakfast is a must for any visitor to these shores
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8. Hotels will often throw in a free breakfast as we get very grumpy without one. That breakfast must be a buffet that includes baked beans and proper coffee; don’t even think about asking for that filtered muck.
9. A decent hotel room will probably have a Nespresso machine and proper teabags. At the very least we expect a kettle — none of this microwaved tea malarkey. And most importantly — deep breath — you don’t need to tip the staff.
10. Best leave the giant RV at home. Our tiny coastal roads have no room for them. Caravan holidays on this side of the Pond will involve a towbar and maybe a disco where everyone dances the Macarena.
11. Unfortunately, to go on that staycation, the trains will often be late, on strike, too busy, filthy, or all of the above. Britain’s watercooler moments will typically involve a story about a terrible journey because of a signal failure, a broken-down train, the fact that we had to sit by the loos for 90 minutes.
12. Prepare to dip into your inheritance to fund the train fare to the Cotswolds/Highlands/Cornwall. An open-return ticket from London to Manchester will cost the same as a week’s rent in the latter (as I found out this week). A bus journey is now up to £3, even if you want to go two stops — oh, and the next one is Tuesday week.
13. Even so, there’s nothing quite like the camaraderie of the last train from London to the suburbs (Victoria to Dartford, say) on a Friday night where you’ll find people singing and eating Happy Meals.
Head to Brighton when the sun comes out
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14. When the sun shines you must immediately take off almost all layers and find the last pub garden that still has a table not in the shade. Even if it’s March and 14C. If it’s the weekend, it’s the law to take the train to Brighton/Tenby/Whitby and shiver through a “lovely” lunch of fish and chips on the beach.
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15. The UK is actually four different countries. Don’t confuse them. And on that note, there are a lot of dialects. A bread roll at the breakfast buffet can be a cob, a roll, a bun, a barm, a batch or a bap. Which is impressive given it’s just flour, water and yeast.
16. It’s true that Brits can be negative, cynical and throw bits of casual abuse at each other. It’s all good-natured and actually means we have deep affection for you/whatever it is (see Ryanair, British Airways … and even trains).
What have we missed? Let us know in the comments below
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