You can say anything about Prince Andrew except ‘leave him alone’.
Well, that is my advice. Leave him alone. That’s enough. First, if you are going to damn someone for his private life, be sure your own is spotless. As a clever man once said: ‘Man is conceived in sin and born in corruption and he passeth from the stink of the nappy to the stench of the shroud. There is always something.’
This is the motto of a corrupt Louisiana politician in Robert Penn Warren’s great novel All The King’s Men, and it turns out to be terribly true of one of the most seemingly admirable figures in the book. It is one of the reasons why, these days, I prefer to turn away from these outbreaks of righteousness.
I have never met Prince Andrew, have nothing to do with the Royal Family and have no wish to do so. I was once at a lunch where Princess Anne spoke, and she seemed all right to me. The present King once wanted to invite me to meet him but was frightened off the idea by his politically correct advisers, which I thought was a bit wet. That’s it.
Long ago, on a visit to Kazakhstan, which had nothing to do with the royal issue, I bumped into some British people who had met Andrew and spoke highly of him, quite unprompted. They also pointed out that he does not drink, which I think is important. Most stupid acts, in people’s private lives, are done because they are drunk at the time.
I also have an incurable soft spot for anyone who has served, as my late father did, in His Majesty’s Navy. Andrew’s courage during the Falklands War is beyond doubt. And spending time in cramped, busy warships will civilise anybody, even if he has had a privileged and secluded childhood. In such places, what mainly matters is whether you can do your job.
Prince Andrew jokes around next to Prince Philip after returning from the Falklands in 1982
And how sick I am of the syrupy ladles of praise poured over the interviewer Emily Maitlis and her interrogation of the Prince. Ms Maitlis was more than once censured by the BBC, while she worked for it, for failures to be impartial. I think it reasonable to say that Ms Maitlis was in no case showing a bias towards conservative or traditional views.
Few people have any idea how fantastically reluctant the BBC is to admit such wrongdoing, so this is quite a distinction. I have never heard Ms Maitlis offer an opinion on the British monarchy, but I feel confident in guessing that there are not many Coronation mugs in her kitchen cabinet. What possessed the Prince to be interviewed by her of all people, I don’t know. That decision certainly backs up the view that he is not very bright.
As for the Epstein accusations, it is also true that nothing has been proved against him except stupidity and dishonesty. Here, I sort of rest my case. If stupidity and dishonesty, or greed for money, are so bad that they disqualify anyone from any further respect, then why aren’t the Houses of Commons and Lords half–empty? And if all the public figures in the world who mingled with Epstein were to be driven into the outer darkness, then the outer darkness would be very crowded indeed.
So, to those who join in this chorus I have two small warnings. First, if you hate the monarchy and want it brought down, giving yet more power over our lives to Leftist bullies, then your behaviour is justified and intelligent. You will get what you want if you keep pushing. The Tory front bencher Robert Jenrick, especially, might want to wonder about this. Scandals over personal credit – fuss about a diamond necklace in the case of France’s Queen Marie Antoinette and dirty rumours about Rasputin in the case of the Russian imperial family – did far more than politics to wreck two of the greatest royal houses in the world.
Second, what is it that you really want to happen to the Prince, and to his family? Unlike many people in public life, he did not choose his role, or ask to be born into the increasingly crazy and futile world of monarchy and nobility.
There is only one way he can stop being who he is, and it is called death. I hear people saying grandly that the Prince should ‘fall on his sword’. Do they know what they are saying? It is a biblical phrase for a particularly grisly form of suicide. Be careful what you wish for.
I know there are people who would like to see him imprisoned, or destitute and homeless. Some of them are probably alleged comedians. Most human sins are small, ridiculous and pathetic, and you do not have to be a Prince, or rich, or grand, to commit them. If you have so much energy to devote to stamping out sin, you might do better to wonder if your own life so far has been so perfect. If not, look to yourself for a bit.
The bright red sexual harassment notice that can be seen plastered about London Underground stations
Difficult to adjust
Long, long ago, gentlemen’s lavatories in British railway stations were adorned with cast–iron signs saying delicately to departing users: ‘Please adjust your dress before leaving.’ Now trains on the London Underground display bright red notices saying ‘Exposing: Revealing intimate body parts is sexual harassment and is not tolerated.’ It is this sort of thing that persuades me that not all change is progress.
People still tell me that the Provisional IRA lost when the Belfast Agreement of 1998 was signed. How can you say this ridiculous thing when former soldiers still face trial, whereas the man who tried to murder the Cabinet at Brighton walks about free? The ‘Good Friday Agreement’ was Britain’s biggest act of appeasement since Munich and Yalta.