Ladies and gentlemen, the most cynical bait and switch of the year has finally arrived. To the casual viewer, Netflix’s new series Simon Cowell: The Next Act may appear to be yet another quasi-unvarnished authorised documentary series.
And that would make sense, because those things are everywhere at the moment. Everyone from David Beckham to Robbie Williams to Charlie Sheen has made one, allowing a film crew into their lives to offer just enough grit to fool people into thinking they are watching anything other than a heavily sanitised publicity project. And, really, who deserves one of these more than Simon Cowell?
Because here is a man who, as the face of The X Factor and Pop Idol, spent the first part of the 21st century at the top of the entertainment tree. He could make and break careers with a flick of his wrist. Discounting sport, royalty, Covid and (weirdly) Gavin & Stacey, the 2010 X Factor finale remains the most watched British TV show of the last 15 years.In his prime, Cowell was wealthy. He was powerful. He was everywhere.
But then he disappeared. Much hyped projects – such as the “bigger than Disney” entertainment megabrand with Philip Green and the series of children’s books he announced five years ago – came to nothing. He broke his back. His appearance changed. There were whispers that he had become a devotee to a wealth of wacky-sounding health fads. Had he settled into semi-retirement? Was he a full-blown Howard Hughes-style hermit, growing out his fingernails? The world needed to know: what exactly does Cowell do with his life when there isn’t any X Factor to fill it?
Will it make him famous again … Simon Cowell and Poo Bear in Simon Cowell: The Next Act. Photograph: Courtesy of Netflix
Now we know, for here comes the bait and switch. Even though it might be presented as a slice-of-life reality documentary, Simon Cowell: The Next Act is – wait for it – The X Factor. It’s literally just another bloody X Factor.
No, really. One minute Cowell is semi-candidly bickering with his partner, Lauren Silverman, the next he’s junked that entire facade to find a new boyband. He holds auditions. He takes them to bootcamp. He uses pictures of their faces to decide who he wants to send home. There are unbelievably weak sob stories (one contestant, and please ready the hankies for this, works at a Nando’s). Short of Louis Walsh stumbling in to absent-mindedly take everything to deadlock, this is The X Factor. I cannot overstate this enough. It’s Cowell’s one idea, for the billionth time, in slightly different clothes.
But, of course, Cowell wants to make a new boyband. His biggest success was creating One Direction, and he is openly envious of the rise of K-pop here, with their ultra-manufactured groups and rigidly controlled management. Which, admittedly, isn’t a particularly great thing to be envious of. The demands placed on K-pop acts are so great that abuse and suicide isn’t uncommon, as are “slave contracts” that forbid acts from gaining weight or falling in love.
I’m prohibited from telling you how the series ends, but it might be best not to hold out much hope. Netflix’s last attempt at a singing competition – this summer’s Building the Band – was a dud. It was won by a group called 3Quency, whose first single failed to chart. And that show was specifically about a band, which is more than you can say about Simon Cowell: The Next Act. The star of this show is Cowell and Cowell alone. The group – all the identically haired 16-year-olds who did most of the work – are presented as an afterthought.
The whole thing reminds me of Nathan Fielder’s brilliant comedy The Rehearsal, which did something similar this year. Fielder dragged a bunch of unknowing wannabes into a singing contest called Wings of Voice, only to reveal that it had been created specifically to help airline co-pilots be more confident during their inflight communication. That’s essentially what The Next Act is, although this time the secret goal is simply to make Cowell famous again. Those poor kids don’t stand a chance.
Simon Cowell: The Next Act is on Netflix now