In this new series, The i Paper speaks to different people about how they and their partners, or, in some cases, ex-partners, handle money in their relationship
In this new series, The i Paper speaks to different people from various walks of life about how they and their partners, or, in some cases, ex-partners, handle money within their relationship. How they split it, how they spend it, and how they (often) differ. Here’s Lizzy*, who split bills 70:30 with her ex but now wishes she hadn’t.
I had felt completely neutral about mine and my ex’s finances until I was talking to a friend a few months ago. And I realised; maybe I was being screwed over.
I got together with my ex just before I went to university 10 years ago. He was working in hospitality and his wage and my student loan were kind of similar in amount, so everything was fairly evenly split. When it came to drinks or nights out, it’d be like “I pay for one, then you pay for one”. We tried to keep it pretty even.
We moved in together four years after we met. I was doing a masters and had a part-time job and he was working in the NHS as a nurse, and again, were earning similarly, so we split everything 50:50. At the end of each month we would work out our monthly rent, bills and grocery spend and make sure we contributed equally.
About six months in, we made it easier by using a joint Monzo account, paying into a shared pot each month. If we needed a top up we’d put in the same amount. A lot of other couples I knew didn’t have joint finances and I always thought the way we did things was progressive and fair. I thought we had it locked down, to be honest.
Then, when I graduated and started a full-time job, I began outpacing him in terms of wage. In my first job I was at about £30,000 and he was at £23,000 so we decided to change our approach and split everything proportionately to what we earned: it was about 60:40. Then in 2022, when I got up to £50,000, and he was still earning in the mid-20s, the ratio got to 70:30.
At the time I thought it was fine, because relatively our expenses were cheap. We’d moved into a one-bed flat that a relative of his owned and the rent [£900] just covered the mortgage. I put in £550 and he’d put in £350 to cover it. They could have put it up at market value and got £600 more a month from another tenant, so I figured we had a good deal. On top of that I’d put in £700-£800 on bills and shared expenses. Overall it was about £1,600 a month.
I felt, at the time, that the way me and my ex split things was fair – I had more money, so I could spend more and, I figured, if I were single I’d be paying more than that to live alone anyway.
Then we got engaged in 2019. We decided together to take that step. I found a ring, he ordered it and then I paid for half of it. It was a joint decision.
Then, shortly after, Covid hit and we simply couldn’t afford to sink £20,000 into a wedding (this is the average cost in the UK). As time passed, we decided to put the savings we did have towards a house deposit instead.
His earnings were never part of the motivation to get married, it was never about being wedded to his income and I’d like to think that for me, marriage would never be about that.
But as we were saving for the house, I started to realise we were not on the same page, financially. At all.
My income definitely made his life easier
I grew up with a lot of money anxiety, my parents both live in a council house. So I was always putting some savings away into a Help to Buy ISA. I pushed for more money and promotions at work. He could have pushed for more seniority too, but it just wasn’t in his nature.
Every now and then he’d burn out and take a break from work. During those periods I would cover costs. He did eventually get universal credit, which helped but not a lot.
I figured if taking some time was better for his health and wellbeing, then it was fine. He is quite reliable and I knew he’d find work when he could. While I don’t think he was taking advantage of me, my income definitely made his life easier. He got to coast.
Then – when he did come into money – about £10,000 from an inheritance, I realised he wasn’t going to put it towards the house.
Instead, he dropped £2,500 on an instrument. To make it worse, instead of splurging once and then saving – he bought four more of these instruments. He went from having one, to having five in a year.
All while we were meant to be saving. He was musically talented, and not all of them were as pricey as the first, but it felt so at odds from what we were trying to do. But because he was getting so much joy from it – and it was his money – I just let it slide.
Throughout all this, I was earning double his salary so I convinced myself it was fair that I kept paying more. I figured there was no point in me being financially stable while he struggled.
In 2024 we broke up, we had just grown apart and wanted different things, even though neither of us knew what they were. We weren’t working towards the wedding or a house – we just couldn’t decide where we wanted to be – and we were still a bit far off a deposit.
It’s almost like the tell-tale signs were in how differently we spent our money. I’d saved £10k in that help-to-buy ISA and I’m so proud of having money to myself. No one’s handed it to me, my parents won’t be able to give me anything, so I’ve worked for it, it’s always felt like mine and it feels really good not having to spend it on anything with anyone else.
I was made redundant around the same time. Obviously I wasn’t wanting him looking after me financially but I did question whether, if we’d been together, he would have helped me, as I had helped him.
I don’t think it’s going to feel like more money in my pocket; my spending is starting to match my income, and a long redundancy has been harsh. I’m sure it will be different when I start earning again, but I do feel lighter knowing that I don’t have to support him, I can be a bit more reckless.
He has now left town and I’m back in our old flat, which is nice and familiar, but still owned by his relative. It’s a strange dynamic that the rent I pay is going towards their retirement plan or kids’ inheritance but I’d rather do that at a discount than pay some random, potentially bad, landlord.
I think next time I’m in a relationship I’d try to find someone on a similar pay scale to me. That pay gap, I don’t know if it complicated things too much, but I’m now reluctant to ever put in more money to the pot than my other half.
*Name has been changed