A free hospitality away day is hardly going ‘behind enemy lines’ and more like going to your auntie’s on Boxing Day. Come in. Let me take your coat. Help yourself to one of the beers in the fridge. The food won’t be too much longer.
Even so, this was not a night when you want to have to sit on your hands and keep quiet in the stands. As I remained in my seat and looked to the sky in despair after Joelinton headed Newcastle’s second equaliser of the night, I felt a tap on the shoulder from the person behind me and worried I was about to be outed as a Leeds fan. Turning around, I was met by an exasperated expression as if I was looking in a mirror, and greeted by a reassuring Yorkshire accent. “I think you’re in the same boat as me.”
The boat we were in was sailing straight for the sea of a silent mental breakdown. It was one of the best and wildest games of football I’ve ever been to. And I hated every second of it.
Actually, that’s a lie. For the opening half an hour, Leeds were as impressive as at any other point this season, intelligent in and out of possession and playing with a composure that belied a stretched squad coming towards the end of a punishing run of fixtures they’ve used to turn the campaign around. After seven unbeaten, I went into the night expecting it to be a game too far and would have been delighted with another draw; Leeds played to win, boldly picking their moments to swarm Newcastle players high up the pitch.
Pascal Struijk harried Joelinton, whose pass to Bruno Guimaraes was almost intercepted by Ilia Gruev. It didn’t matter, because Anton Stach was straight into the challenge, allowing Gruev to get back to his feet and nip the ball away, teeing up his fellow midfielder to strike a sweet shot from the edge of the box too close to goalkeeper Nick Pope. Earlier on, in the opening ten minutes, Struijk could and perhaps should have put Leeds ahead after meeting Stach’s free-kick from the right on the edge of the six-yard box, only for the ball to bounce off his forehead and over the bar.
Leeds kept pressing. When Newcastle defender Malick Thiaw got the ball and turned to look for a pass, there were eight blue shirts in front of him in the hosts’ half of the pitch. Thiaw panicked and fell to the ground under pressure from Dominic Calvert-Lewin, whose neat reverse pass put Brenden Aaronson in space outside the penalty area. Without taking a touch, Aaronson pinged the ball into the bottom corner. I can only repeat what I wrote after the draw with Scum: ‘As for the finish: where the hell did that come from?!’
As the old saying goes, you can’t spell Leeds without LSD and a couple of Es. And, unfortunately, from that moment on the game descended into a psychedelic kaleidoscope of chest-aching, teeth-itching football.
Having defended so resolutely in recent weeks, Harvey Barnes was given an equaliser a few minutes after Aaronson’s opener as the eight players in Leeds’ penalty area conspired to come second off in every duel. Yet Newcastle remained equally addled, Thiaw conceding a dozy penalty in stoppage-time by clearing a cross with his elbow. St James’ Park was losing its mind at the referee, but Calvert-Lewin kept calm amid the noise and sent Pope diving in the wrong direction.
It was hard not to feel smug at half-time, joining in with the cacophony of boos as we returned to our table, where we were joined by Newcastle fans regaling us with sob stories about dour but effective football under Rafa Benitez (in the Premier League) and losing interest under Steve Bruce (in the Premier League). As they planned their trips to upcoming Champions League games and League Cup semi-finals, I lamented my inability to conjure some black magic and inflict upon them a minus fifteen point season in League One.
I’ve tried watching the second half back but it still defies analysis. James Justin hit the bar. Fabian Schär hit the post. Jaka Bijol briefly turned into a left winger and nearly created a tap-in for Calvert-Lewin. Justin, Bijol and Ethan Ampadu all produced excellent last-ditch clearances with Newcastle players waiting to score.
Joelinton’s equaliser was a fine header. Aaronson’s second of the night after good work from Ilia Gruev winning the ball back and finding his teammate in space possessed a ruthless precision that I still can’t quite believe. It’s Aaronson’s first brace since scoring twice for Fizzy Salzburg in a 3-1 win over Sturm Graz almost five years ago. Is this a fleeting burst of form or has the penny dropped?
Whatever the answer, Aaronson didn’t deserve to be the one who conceded a stoppage-time penalty converted by Guimaraes, desperately unlucky the ball struck his trailing arm as he jumped to block a cross on the edge of the box. Leeds were undoubtedly running out of gas, with Aaronson and the returning Joe Rodon subsequently succumbing to cramp as Daniel Farke made a triple substitution halfway through the ten minutes of added time.
Only moments earlier, fellow sub Lukas Nmecha almost capitalised on a botched header back to Pope, but by that point I already felt like I was hallucinating, eager to convince myself what was unfolding in front of my eyes wasn’t real. As the clock ticked beyond the ten additional minutes, more panicked defending allowed Barnes — as fucking always — to shoot through a crowd of bodies and past the diving Lucas Perri, who got a hand to the ball but couldn’t keep it out of the net. I stayed rooted to my seat, and couldn’t wait to get home.
Perri’s attempted save drew ire from Farke after the game. I can sympathise with both. Sure, Perri frightens the life out of me and I can’t think of many other footballers who seem less comfortable kicking a football, which isn’t ideal, but Barnes’ finish had been a snapshot with defenders surrounding him — and if I’m being generous then that can’t have made it particularly easy to save. Farke often stuck up for Illan Meslier through a lot worse, at least until he couldn’t avoid the issue any longer, and my own theory is that Farke’s criticism is borne out of the fact he wanted to sign a different ‘keeper this summer only for a disagreement with the recruitment team to lead to a compromise that has suited nobody. Whether that’s true or not, Leeds really need Perri to get his act together, and quickly.
Farke’s comments on Perri added another sour taste to an already sour night. Even now, I still feel sick. But if Leeds can stick together, the last eight games have proven this is a team more than capable of putting the frights up some of the best teams in the Premier League. However rough I felt, I trudged out of the ground and past a fan being attended to by medics, gulping down water after taking a funny turn. He didn’t even support Leeds. Imagine how it feels having to watch us every week. ⬢