The reader, who works as a teacher, was told their retirement provision was unfair in comparison with jobs in private firms

In our weekly series, readers can email in with any financial dilemma and enter the Money Moral Maze.

Are your friends racking up big drinks tabs and then trying to split the bill equally? Is your partner overspending on your joint account? No matter your dilemma, email in anonymously, and The i Paper’s money and business team will do our best to answer.

This week’s dilemma can be found below – email us at money@inews.co.uk with yours.

New FeatureIn ShortQuick Stories. Same trusted journalism.

Dilemma

Over Christmas, an innocent conversation turned into a huge argument.

My brother’s girlfriend made a comment about my pension, which I’ve been building as a teacher in the public sector for decades.

She suggested it was unfair compared with what people in private jobs get and referred to it as a “gold-plated” scheme.

I tried to explain that I earned every penny, paid in for years, and that it was part of the deal when I took the job.

Instead, the conversation quickly escalated, and I ended up feeling judged and uneasy.

Since then, I’ve been replaying it in my head. I have worked hard all my life and contributed faithfully, but part of me wonders if it feels wrong to enjoy such a secure retirement when other relatives and friends are struggling with rent, mortgages, and pensions that barely cover basic costs.

I don’t want to seem insensitive or selfish, but I also don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong.

It has left me conflicted about how to enjoy my retirement without feeling like I’m flaunting my security.

Should I be feeling this guilty and is it best to not tell people about my pension plan to avoid this sort of confrontation happening again?

Emily Braeger, The i Paper’s money reporter, replies

I’m sure you’re not the only family who debated this over the Christmas dinner.

Public-sector pensions, especially final-salary schemes, are very different from most private-sector arrangements.

Under these schemes, people receive a guarantee of an annual income each year for life in retirement. These are earned benefits, based on years of contributions and contractual agreements.

Meanwhile, most private-sector pensions are defined-contribution schemes where the total you have for retirement is based on how much you have invested over your working life.

Feeling guilty about receiving your public-sector pension, that you worked hard for is understandable emotionally, but it isn’t a moral failing – at all.

The tricky part is perception. Comparisons with other people’s pensions can make your benefits feel unfair even when they are entirely legitimate.

Conversations with family can become heated because money is tied up with fairness and inequality, not just contracts.

Explaining calmly that you earned your pension, and how it works, can help, though it won’t always change someone else’s view, so remember that.

It can help to separate entitlement from generosity so you could try to explain to her that you can enjoy your pension while still being thoughtful about those struggling.

Some people find it useful to balance feelings of guilt with action, such as giving gifts, helping younger family members, or supporting charity. You don’t have to do that though so don’t feel obliged.

Receiving what you’ve earned is not shameful, and understanding the optics can guide how you talk about and use your pension without feeling weighed down by other people’s assumptions.