The UK’s new Eurovision entry was released today: a song called “Eins, Zwei, Drei” by Sam Battle, who goes by the moniker Look Mum No Computer. It will not be to everyone’s taste. It’s loud, it’s shouty, and, perhaps most controversial of all, its chorus – as you may have already been able to discern – is in German. Its lyrics, ostensibly, are about how bored Brits love going on European holidays. Its message however, seems to convey something different: we love you, Europe, and we’re very, very sorry.
It’s not surprising that a new mode – of both style and sentiment – is being tried. The UK’s Eurovision track record has been abysmal of late, most notably James Newman, the first competitor to take part in the Eurovision Song Competition after the Brexit Referendum in 2020, who came away in last place and with a big fat zero to his name. Although politics are not supposed to affect voting in the competition, by denying the poor blighter any points, another was clearly being made.
The UK’s entrants have fared little better since. Yes, there was the anomaly of octave-hopping Sam Ryder with “Spaceman” in 2022, pipped to the top spot only by Ukraine, but it was followed by Mae Muller’s “Instead I Wrote a Song”, which came second from bottom, then Olly Alexander’s “Dizzy” in 2024, which came 18th, and, last year, Remember Monday’s “What The Hell Just Happened?” which dipped to 19th. They weren’t necessarily amazing entries, but nor were they really all that bad. Even though five years had passed since Britain’s fateful decision, it seemed that – as far as Europe’s popular music enthusiasts were concerned – all was very much not forgiven.
Photographer://BBC
The UK’s next Eurovision hope, Look Mum No Computer
“Eins, Zwei, Drei”, then, is certainly something of a surprise. Even disregarding for a moment the German-language chorus – arguably explained by this year’s competition taking place in Vienna – it doesn’t sound like a classic UK Eurovision song. Instead, it’s a kitschy, synthy Euro-banger in the vein of, say, Baby Lasagna’s “Rim Tim Tagi Dim” (Croatia’s 2024 entry) or “Cha Cha Cha” by Käärji (Finland, 2023) and is very clearly going for arena-friendly volume over emotive finesse. It’s not something that the UK has even vaguely attempted since fake flight crew Scooch and their song “Flying the Flag” in 2007 (perhaps understandably: it finished 22nd).
Even more surprising is the subtext. The video starts with Battle in a hum-drum mock office, dipping a Digestive biscuit into a mug of baked beans. Above him, glimpsed for a nanosecond, is a portrait of Henry VIII: not the most quintessential subject for corporate artwork, but Henry did make the decision to further his personal agenda by separating himself and his country from the Catholic Church in Rome. Just saying. It ends with him – Battle, not Henry – flying out beyond the White Cliffs of Dover in a winged Mini Cooper to a chant of “I’m coming back to life”. What can it all mean.
It seems inevitable that this apparently submissive position won’t go down well in all quarters. For those clinging to the ever-more shredded notion of empire, it might seem too conciliatory, too hang-dog. But Britain has never been entirely convincing when puffing out its chest in the hope of projecting something along the lines of “everybody hates us and we don’t care”. We’re a small, vulnerable island nation in need of better friends, and we desperately do.
But, you know what? “Eins, Zwei, Drei” has got a certain something. It’s relentless, it’s energetic and it’s actually, in a weird way, kind of charming: again, not qualities we’ve espoused as a nation of late. Will Look Mum No Computer nudge the Eurovision results in an unexpected direction? We’ll have to find out in May. But when it comes to public voting, lord knows we’ve been surprised before.
The Eurovision Song Contest final takes place on 16 May and can be viewed live on BBC One and iPlayer