Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

My girlfriend and I are in a serious, loving relationship. During the last few years, my career has had a couple of huge, lucky breaks, and hers has had long, unlucky droughts. Because of this, my income is reliably now orders of magnitude larger than hers.

I have shifted to paying for all of our shared expenses myself. My parents’ generation probably wouldn’t bat an eye at this, but she and I have no intention of having an old-fashioned dynamic where the man is the “breadwinner” and the woman feels like a “stay-at-home wife.”

I’m not sure what to do if the disparity is still so large once we start discussing marriage. I’m worried that if we go back to a system where we split everything by the same dollar amount, we will have to dramatically change our lifestyles to live on a shoestring budget, which neither of us wants. Should we talk about contributing a fixed percentage of each of our paychecks to our shared expenses, or should we try to acclimate ourselves to the idea that I’m the breadwinner for the two of us? I care deeply about minding both her savings and her self-confidence as her own person.

—Worried Boyfriend

Dear Worried Boyfriend,

I think it’s amazing that you are sensitive to your girlfriend’s feelings and understand that this isn’t about you. A lot of people tie their income to their self-worth, and it’s good to remind her that she is still important and wise despite her current employment situation.

Since you make much more than she does, I’d recommend a fixed percentage of expenses instead of splitting everything in half. Say you make $100,000, and she made $60,000. Your total income would be $160,000. You’re making 63% of the total household earnings, and she is making the remaining 37%. So, when you split a bill, you should pay 63%, and she should pay 37%. You don’t have to do that for every expense—say, if you want to take on a greater share of rent so you can spring for the more spacious apartment, or if she would like to contribute more to retirement but doesn’t have anything left at the end of the month, so you pick up a bigger portion of the vacation bill. But it’s a place to start, and it keeps in mind her own savings goals while still enabling her to contribute to the household. You can even go a step further and open a joint account for your shared living expenses if that’s helpful.

—Athena Valentine

From: I Have A Dilemma About My Ex-Husband Moving In With Me When He’s Released From Prison. (October 3rd, 2021).

Please keep questions short (

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m a 20-year-old man who graduated high school, but I haven’t pursued more education. I come from an extremely poor family and have no savings but no real debt either. I am working a standard 9-to-5 job right now, with the potential to make nearly double the minimum wage in my area. At this point economically in my life, I’m seeking advice on how best to progress in the future and build a financially stable life. How do I transition from lower to middle class?

—Looking to Move Up

Dear Looking to Move Up,

I think the answer really depends on what you want to do for work long term, and whether a career is important to you. There are some people who view working solely as a path to income, so whether the job is personally fulfilling in any way is a secondary consideration. My dad was a high school grad and local lineman for more than 40 years and considered it a very good job, but I wouldn’t say he enjoyed the work for its own sake. Career development wasn’t particularly important to him unless it came with a raise. What’s your feeling about it? There are plenty of well-paying jobs that don’t require a secondary education. (Sales jobs can be very lucrative and many don’t require a degree. You can get a real estate agent license without one as well, and if you’re entrepreneurially inclined, small-business ownership is a big source of wealth for a lot of people.)

If you had to name three things you’d value most in a job right now, what are they, and in what order? Is income first? Is it important to you to do something you’re naturally good at? Do you need to truly enjoy the work? Is status important to you? Working with people you like? Being able to advance quickly? Understanding your longer-term needs and wants should help you make a decision.

I don’t think you necessarily have to go back to school, but education certainly gives you more options, since it’s a minimum requirement for a lot of career paths. It’s also still a big mechanism for class mobility in the U.S., and not just because it gives you access to higher-paying jobs. It also potentially gives you access to other people in your field, a network of classmates, and a body of specialized knowledge. So think about how you personally define “middle class.” Is it just about income? These are all questions you need to answer to determine what your best path is.

—Elizabeth Spiers

From: I’m So Tempted To Dip Into The Money My Kids Inherited From Their Grandma. (October 6th, 2021).

Allison Price
My Mother-in-Law Graciously Furnished Our Nursery. Then I Learned the “Condition” Her Gift Depends On.
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    My Husband Wants Us to Do Whatever His Sister Says When It Comes to Raising Our Kids. No Way.

I have in my possession some family heirlooms. My brother is saying that he should be given some of them, even though he has already been given quite a few. He has a child that may or may not be his, whom he has nothing to do with. He wants to pass them down to his second wife’s grandchildren. I have children of my own. I also currently have eight grandchildren. All of mine are direct family links. In giving him everything he wants, it would not leave much to pass down to my own. I have always been told to pass the heirlooms down to family members. Am I wrong in not wanting to give more to my brother?

—Family Only

Dear Family Only,

My parents would always pawn our family jewelry, and when my mom died, my aunt took over the payments with the understanding that I would inherit the heirlooms. Well, she died last year, so God only knows where they are. It’s because of this that I am a firm believer that only direct family gets heirlooms, because they can lose meaning and provenance quickly. It’s not your fault your brother mishandled what heirlooms he did have in his possession. It’s actually pretty ballsy he asked for more to give to his second wife’s grandkids. Stand your ground and don’t give him anything else.

—A.V.

From: My Son’s Generous College Fund Vanished. I Think I Know Who Took It. (October 12th, 2021).

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My husband, “Adam,” and I are currently going through a spat over what I think should have been a situation with obvious next steps. Last month, Adam came home from a trip to the grocery store all excited. He pulled out an envelope and dumped what, after counting, turned out to be $8,500 in cash on the kitchen table. He said he found it underneath the car next to him while he loaded the bags into the trunk of our car and began eagerly going over all the possible things we could spend it on. I stopped him and asked why he hadn’t turned it in. He said there was “no way” he was doing that. When I pointed out to him that this could be a life-altering amount of money for someone and that whoever lost it was probably in despair over it, he responded that it was, “Their problem, not ours.” I decided not to waste my time arguing with him. While he was at work the next day, I took the money to the police station.

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