There’s been a growing conversation about the pressures young men face today. Social isolation, financial stress, and uncertainty about the future are wearing many down, and rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide among men keep rising. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, in 2023, the suicide rate for U.S. males was nearly four times higher than among females. While the intensity of their struggles may feel new, the expectations placed on men are ancient.
For generations, masculinity was defined by external markers: strength by dominance, respect by provision, and toughness by suppressing emotion. A study of more than 2,000 U.S. men found that when people perceive a gap between who they feel they should be (by societal standards) and who they are, that “discrepancy stress” links to poorer mental health and diminished life satisfaction.
Pitt and Fox coined the term “performative masculinity” to explain that being a man is not fixed or inherent, but something men perform depending on the context they are in. Masculinity becomes something you do, rather than something you simply are.
Alongside the pressure to meet old norms, a new challenge has emerged: confusion. Men today are being asked to open up, be vulnerable, and show emotional availability. This shift is fueled both by women rightly seeking deeper equality and emotional intimacy in relationships and by a broader cultural awakening that questions the limits of rigid, traditional masculinity. While such evolution is necessary, many men find themselves unprepared, without role models or tools to navigate the new expectations.
The Search for Answers in All the Wrong Places
Some respond to confusion with performance. For example, the rise of “performative masculinity 2.0” involves men adopting specific aesthetics to be perceived as sensitive, progressive, and intellectual. They drink matcha, carry tote bags, and listen to female artists. By their own admission, the traits are often adopted not from authentic interest but from a desire for validation.
Others turn to religion, social media influencers, or traditional templates rooted in stoicism, control, and dominance. Yet here’s the paradox: Trying to find authenticity by following someone else’s rule book pulls men further from who they really are.
I remember one client who believed that the only way to be attractive was to appear intimidating, stoic, even a bit scary. At his core, though, he was sensitive, creative, and deeply empathetic. Living behind a persona that didn’t belong to him left him exhausted, isolated, and insecure. “It’s like I’m walking around in a mask that doesn’t fit,” he said, “but I’m never allowed to take it off.”
The solution isn’t choosing a different mask, nor perfecting some performance of manhood. It’s daring to take off the mask and look in the mirror, to face yourself as who you are, not just who you think you should be. This means returning to one fundamental truth: At your core, you are a human being. When we start from that foundation, the pressure begins to ease. We stop chasing an image and start identifying ourselves with who we already are.
What does it look like to return to that core? Here are six ways to reconnect with our humanity and, in doing so, embody a more authentic masculinity.
Six Ways to Return to That Core
- Be Kind and Compassionate, Even When It’s Hard
Kindness is often dismissed as soft, but it takes real strength. It’s easy to be compassionate when life is calm. The test comes when we are tired, judged, or misunderstood. Choosing empathy in such moments means we are strong enough not to let pain or fear dictate our actions. It shows that we can stand in our humanity without proving ourselves through control, dominance, or anger. - Take Responsibility, Not Just Credit
Anyone can celebrate success. The harder work lies in owning mistakes, facing the impact of our actions, making amends, and choosing to grow. Responsibility doesn’t mean self-flagellation or living in shame. It means building character through facing the impact of our actions, making amends, and choosing to grow. When we do, we regain a sense of integrity and self-trust. - Stay Curious, Not Judgmental
Judgment is a quick and easy form of self-defense. When we judge, we avoid vulnerability, admitting we don’t know something, or facing the discomfort of being wrong. Curiosity, on the other hand, invites us to ask instead of assume, to listen instead of fix, and to see from another’s perspective. Curiosity doesn’t weaken us, it revives us. It opens the door to connection, growth, and lasting happiness. - Choose Integrity Over Popularity
It’s tempting to adapt, comply, and play the expected role. But when we shape ourselves around others’ expectations, we risk trading our individuality for a fleeting sense of belonging. The more we follow, the more we forget how to lead our own lives—guided by authenticity rather than approval. Integrity is the quiet voice inside that reminds us who we are and what we stand for. Choosing it sometimes means being uncomfortable, unpopular, or standing alone. But it also means we can look at ourselves in the mirror knowing we haven’t betrayed ourselves for approval. That’s a deeper kind of strength—one that doesn’t need applause. - Practice Presence
In a culture that rewards doing over being, slowing down can feel awkward. Yet presence, the ability to be here, fully, in this moment, is one of the most powerful ways to connect with ourselves and others. Presence means fully inhabiting the moment, even in silence, listening, or stillness. Whether sitting quietly with someone we love or walking in the woods, presence says: “this moment matters.” And in such moments, we’re not performing, we’re simply living. - Lead with Love, Not Fear
Fear asks us to protect, control, and dominate. It drives us to prove our worth by being tougher, louder, and more dominant. Love asks us to connect, empower, and uplift. Leading from fear is reactive. Leading from love is courageous. Choosing compassion, courage, and trust over insecurity and domination doesn’t negate strength; it redefines it. When love guides our actions, we can be more fully present for others and feel more at home with ourselves.
A Different Question
In the end, the question isn’t What kind of man should I be? It’s How can I be a good human today? From that foundation, masculinity is no longer a performance. It becomes an authentic expression of our shared humanity.