Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
I grew up in a household where therapy was not an option, but after seeing a great therapist for anxiety during the pandemic years, I was sold on its benefits. I moved states and couldn’t see my therapist anymore, and tried a few different ones in my new city. After many duds, I found a fantastic one, and I’ve been seeing her for two years. I love working with her, and we’ve worked through a lot of things and I’ve seen a lot of growth in myself with her help. Now I have to say goodbye, and I really don’t want to.
Due to how high health insurance premiums are, my partner and I are on a high-deductible plan, so I’ve been paying out of pocket until I hit the deductible. With the cost of healthcare, we’ll be doing the same type of plan for 2026. Financially, we’re in an OK place to keep doing this. Each year, we eventually hit our deductible and can do any medical things that we want to later in the year.
Unfortunately (but understandably), my therapist is no longer going to be taking insurance next year. Logically, I cannot justify paying almost $10,000 out-of-pocket for an out-of-network provider, but I’m really struggling to say this out loud and finalize the decision. I don’t want to start over with someone else or encounter more people who aren’t helpful! How do I make this decision? How do I say goodbye to someone who’s been so vital in my growth in the last two years? How do I get over the sense of impending loss? I still have until the end of the year with her, but thinking about it all gives me anxiety.
—I Love My Therapist
Dear I Love My Therapist,
It can be so hard to let go of a relationship with someone who has seen you at your most vulnerable and helped you get through it, even if that relationship is with your therapist. I imagine this is something you could talk to them about, and they can help you figure out the best way to close the relationship and honor your time together.
Your therapist sounds great—but yeah—$10,000 is a lot of money. If you do decide to move on, it might help to make a list of all the ways they’ve impacted your life. You could even write them a nice card or letter explaining how much they’ve helped you grow and heal.
As for finding a new therapist, try making a list of what, specifically, you liked about your current therapist. Was it how they approached your problems? Their communication style? Think about why their particular approach worked well with you, which might help you trace the same qualities in your next therapist.
Even simpler, you can ask your therapist for a referral. If they’re no longer taking insurance, they must know some of their clients will probably need to find help elsewhere. They should be able to point you in the right direction.
Endings are tough, but it sounds like your therapist is compassionate and will probably be willing to help you navigate this. It’s also important to remember that while this particular person helped you grow, that achievement is ultimately yours, and you’ll find the right therapist to help you carry it forward.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
“Zara” and I have been friends since college and traveled together in our gap year. She got married in her 20s, settled in our hometown with her husband, and now has three kids. I took a lot of risks in my 20s: moving to LA by myself to try acting, being a hiking guide in Alaska over summers, hitchhiking across the country. A lot I would recommend, some I don’t, but I don’t regret anything.
Now I’ve moved back to our hometown, too. I have a pretty good job and am saving up for my own place. I have a lot of old friends in the area, and I consider Zara to be one of them. But I’m not sure she feels the same way. When I see her out and about, she always talks about wanting to catch up. But if we make plans, she cancels on me at the last minute. I get that she has kids and is busy, but I have made friends with other moms. I love kids even if I don’t want any of my own, so I asked Zara if she wants to take the kids somewhere together, and I got canceled on again.
Also, in a group, Zara will constantly interrupt and speak over me especially, when I am telling an amusing anecdote. It isn’t like I am dominating the conversation. For example, someone was talking about planning an Alaskan cruise, so I talked about a few things I did there as a guide. I even tried to include Zara by telling funny stories from our gap year in Europe. Zara cut me off and changed the subject.
All this only changed this summer when I was involved in the youth theater camp at our local theater. Spots are expensive-ish and competitive. Zara told me her oldest really wanted to join, but they couldn’t come up with the funds and take her. She asked if I could help. I had just gotten a big bonus at work and pulled a few strings at theater. I was able to pay for several scholarship spots in order to get Zara’s daughter in. I also switched my hours so I could pick up her daughter and do my volunteer work. And I know this was me pulling my privilege, but some greater good came out of it, since the program was able to add three other spots.
We had a blast. Her daughter is wickedly smart and sweet as pie. Zara and I seemed to renew our friendship and I was even invited over family dinner .But when camp was over, it was back to the hot and cold. Talking to Zara gets me only denial about what is happening. We have enough friends in common that we can’t really avoid each other. We also always end up taking the same classes at the gym. This hurts, and more so since I really enjoyed spending time with her daughter. So what next?
—Old Friend Hurt
Dear Old Friend,
You’ve invested so much into this friendship—I can totally understand why you feel hurt.
Typically, “communication” is the simple answer to a problem like this, but you say that talking to Zara only pushes you into denial. Does that mean she’s trying to convince you this “hot and cold” thing isn’t happening? That it’s all in your head? If so, that might mean there are bigger issues—ones she might not want to talk about. It might be about the different paths you both took in life or the years you spent apart from each other. Or maybe the problem is that her schedule truly is that unpredictable, and she’s not sure how to talk about that. Having kids can make life chaotic, and just because other moms seem to manage well doesn’t mean Zara isn’t genuinely struggling with it. She might feel judged or ashamed about this and unsure of how to ask for support.
Whatever it is, though, it ultimately sounds like she may not be ready to have the conversation. Which is a problem, because relationships are built on healthy communication. You can try her one more time, but keep it simple and focused on your feelings. Instead of diagnosing the problem between the two of you, you can frame it around how her actions land with you. For example: “I really value our friendship, but when our plans fall through I feel frustrated because I’ve rearranged my schedule. Can we find a way that works better for both of us?” Or, “Sometimes when I’m sharing a story and get interrupted, I feel dismissed. I’d love for us to hear each other out more.” That way, you’re not accusing her—you’re just calling out your experience.
You’ve already put a lot into this friendship and made it clear that it matters to you. But for the sake of your own sanity, it might help to reframe your expectations from this particular friend. Right now, you’re holding onto the idea of the closeness you had in college, but maybe her role is different now. Maybe she’s more of a “group friend” or someone you see occasionally. It’s a subtle mental shift, but this way, you’re not setting yourself up for disappointment when she cancels on you or pulls away from you.
It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. You don’t have to shut the door on your friendship with Zara. You can keep it open by being kind and showing up for her when you can, like you did for her daughter—just don’t overextend yourself. And, in the meantime, you can invest your time and energy into friendships that feel more mutual.
At this point, it sounds like you’ve done your part. You’ve made time for her, tried talking to her, gone out of your way to help her family. If she’s willing to meet you halfway, great. If not, it might be time to protect your energy and invest in friendships that are reciprocal.
—Kristin
More Money Advice From Slate
I used to work for a large financial firm as a financial adviser. The pay was amazing, and I enjoyed the work. Hours weren’t the greatest, and that led to the circumstances that involved me leaving. A new mandate rolled around that we had to work on two Saturdays a month for about three hours each. I am an observant Orthodox Jew, and this is on Shabbos, so that was a non-starter for me. I made a complaint through HR and was informed that as long as I kept my hours up and documented them, things would be fine. Things were not fine.
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