{"id":167974,"date":"2025-06-08T16:04:11","date_gmt":"2025-06-08T16:04:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/167974\/"},"modified":"2025-06-08T16:04:11","modified_gmt":"2025-06-08T16:04:11","slug":"8-subtle-ways-parents-create-anxiety-without-realizing-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/167974\/","title":{"rendered":"8 Subtle Ways Parents Create Anxiety Without Realizing It"},"content":{"rendered":"

Anxiety isn\u2019t just an adult issue. Clinical research<\/a> indicates that millions of children struggle with anxiety symptoms, with a recent analysis putting the number as high as 20.5% of youth worldwide<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes anxiety can be hard to pinpoint as kids can manifest anxiety in different ways,\u201d said Dr. Khadijah Booth Watkins<\/a>, associate director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital. \u201cThis can be due to many factors such as the type of anxiety they\u2019re experiencing, their age, or their language skills.\u201d<\/p>\n

While some kids experience physical symptoms like stomachaches, racing heartbeats and headaches, others exhibit emotional responses like increased tantrums or clinginess. Still, others become withdrawn and stop participating in activities or engaging with peers. <\/p>\n

Even if you do not intend to create anxiety, some common behaviors and comments from parents can make kids feel anxious. Below, experts break down some parenting approaches that foster anxiety.<\/p>\n

Encouraging Avoidance<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cBecause of the uncomfortable sensation anxiety produces in the body, a child experiencing anxiety will most often develop avoidant behaviors,\u201d said parenting educator Laura Linn Knight<\/a>. \u201cThe child will avoid the thing that makes them uncomfortable, which may start off with a small avoidance but grow larger over time.\u201d<\/p>\n

For example, if your child is anxious about leaving you to go to school, that feeling might manifest as a fear of taking the bus.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe child thinks that if mom or dad drives them to school, they will feel less anxious about leaving them, but quickly discovers that even though they were driven to school, the anxiety still remains,\u201d she explained. \u201cThe child may then ask that mom or dad walk them to their classroom door, with the hopes that this will make them less anxious.\u201d<\/p>\n

This avoidance creates more anxiety and can wreak havoc on a child\u2019s self-confidence.<\/p>\n

\u201cParents unintentionally perpetuate the cycle of anxiety by helping a child to avoid the things they are afraid of,\u201d Knight said. \u201cMost parents don\u2019t intentionally do this, but because anxiety often demands to be heard, and a child becomes very vocal or shuts down verbally and physically with the feeling of anxiety, a parent wants to avoid difficult behavior and thus helps avoid triggers.\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead, parents should focus on cultivating resilience and allowing their children to face their fears with the knowledge that they have a support system behind them. <\/p>\n

\u201cChanging behavior to actively participate in our children\u2019s avoidance or reduction of their anxiety prevents them from developing the necessary healthy coping skills,\u201d Booth Watkins said. \u201cIn this way, we are engaging in over-accommodation, thereby fueling the anxiety. The goal is not to take away all discomfort and distress, but to strike the balance of empathy, validation, and support with a little nudge and a lot of encouragement.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Rather<\/p>\n

fstop123 via Getty Images<\/p>\n

Rather than encouraging avoidance, parents should help their children find healthy coping mechanisms and support them in facing their fears. <\/p>\n

Refusing To Cope With Your Own Anxiety<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWe have to remember that our kids are quite attuned to what is going on with us as their caregivers,\u201d Booth Watkins said. \u201cThey are both listening to our words and paying close attention to our body language. If we are struggling with anxiety ourselves, we have to be deliberate in managing our stress and distress, and model healthy coping skills and strategies which will be key in you helping your child manage their anxiety.\u201d<\/p>\n

Just as you need to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others, you should address your own anxiety struggles to support your children through theirs. <\/p>\n

\u201cWhen our anxiety is not well-managed, and our kids have too much exposure to it, we can unintentionally teach them to be afraid or communicate that situations or scenarios are to be feared because we fear them,\u201d Booth Watkins said.<\/p>\n

Of course, perfection is not the goal, and parents should not try to suppress any anxious feelings or emotions. Instead, use these moments as opportunities to share what you\u2019re going through in age-appropriate ways.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is OK to talk to your children about your anxiety, and if your child is experiencing anxiety, it may be helpful for them to know that they are not alone and that you understand what they are going through,\u201d Booth Watkins said. \u201cMost importantly, it lets them know that they do not have to suffer in silence and that you are here to help.\u201d<\/p>\n

When an anxiety-provoking situation arises around your family, try to practice self-regulation. For example, explain to your children that you\u2019re taking a deep breath or doing a certain activity to manage and overcome your anxiety.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnxiety is a normal part of life,\u201d said Keneisha Sinclair-McBride<\/a>, a clinical psychologist at Boston Children\u2019s Hospital in Massachusetts. \u201cEveryone needs coping strategies for it. One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to help your child learn the unique toolkit of skills that helps them deal with anxiety.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shying Away From Conversations About Feelings<\/strong><\/p>\n

Talking about feelings can be uncomfortable, especially when difficult emotions arise, but it\u2019s crucial for parents to encourage these conversations.<\/p>\n

\u201cAllow room for your child to feel worried, anxious or nervous,\u201d recommended pediatric psychologist and parenting coach Ann-Louise Lockhart<\/a>. \u201cSince they may not be fully aware of what they feel or what it means, then name that feeling based on what you observe \u2015 \u2018It looks like you feel really uncomfortable with getting in the water\u2019 or \u2018You\u2019re pacing back and forth because you feel scared about going inside the classroom\u2019 or \u2018You feel nervous about going to the party without me there.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

The next step is to validate those emotions by saying something like, \u201cI get it. That makes sense to me. Some people feel that way and need some time, and others jump right in and do it while scared.\u201d Then, try to brainstorm a solution together. Make it clear that you\u2019re there to support and encourage your child without simply solving the problem for them. <\/p>\n

Alvin Thomas, an assistant professor of human development and family studies at the University of Wisconsin\u2013Madison, also emphasized the importance of talking about your emotions as a parent. This approach prevents your children from making up anxiety-based stories to explain why the adults around them are behaving differently. <\/p>\n

\u201cIt is OK, for instance, to say to your child that dad is feeling a little sad or a little frustrated,\u201d he explained. \u201cIt expands the child\u2019s emotional vocabulary, teaches them to talk through their emotions, and models for them how to do this. Then you could go on to give age-appropriate reasoning. Dad is feeling frustrated because dad was really hoping for something, but it did not happen.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a parent, you can then share some coping mechanisms you plan to use to deal with your difficult emotions \u2015 whether it\u2019s meditation and deep breathing or planning a fun activity to take your mind off things for a bit. <\/p>\n

\"Parents<\/p>\n

Catherine Costa via Getty Images<\/p>\n

Parents can share with their kids some coping mechanisms, like meditation, they use to deal with their own difficult emotions.<\/p>\n

Being Overly Cautious<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cA lot of times, we trigger anxiety in children when we are overly cautious,\u201d said clinical psychologist and author Jenny Yip<\/a>. \u201cIf we\u2019re constantly telling them to be careful, we\u2019re constantly warning them about danger.\u201d<\/p>\n

Saying things like, \u201cbe careful, you\u2019re going to fall,\u201d creates hesitancy in children, which can be helpful in small doses depending on the child, but it isn\u2019t necessary to repeat all the time. Instead, pay attention to how often you give your children warnings and focus on helping them understand why something is dangerous. <\/p>\n

\u201cFor example, don\u2019t jump off the table because, No. 1, tables are not for jumping off of, and this is not a playground,\u201d Yip explained. \u201cNo. 2, the floor is really hard. So if you injure yourself on the floor, we\u2019re gonna have some difficulty here, and we might need to go to the ER.\u201d<\/p>\n

These moments of explanation can foster an open dialogue and make it clear they can also come to you with any concerns. <\/p>\n

\u201cRefrain from fear messages like, \u2018Smoking will give you cancer, disfigure your face, and kill you!\u2019 or \u2018If you start smoking, I\u2019ll ground you for life!\u2019\u201d said Kristene Geering, the director of education at Parent Lab<\/a>. \u201cTry educational, reasoning messages \u2015 \u2018Smoking has been linked to a lot of health issues. Your grandma died from cancer linked to smoking. I love you and want you to be healthy \u2015 please don\u2019t start smoking. I\u2019m happy to talk more with you if you have questions.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Explaining your rationale to your children allows them to understand different issues and build the confidence to make their own intelligent judgments. Giving them the tools to arrive at solutions and face challenges on their own is more valuable than inundating them with a list of all the dangers in the world. <\/p>\n

Praising Results Instead Of Effort<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cA lot of my patients feel anxious about disappointing their parents if they are not the absolute best at just about everything,\u201d Sinclair-McBride said. \u201cI think we should definitely praise our kids and give them affirmation regarding the areas in which they shine, but I also think it\u2019s important to praise effort and remind your child that they are good, loved, and important to you no matter what.\u201d<\/p>\n

Examine the expectations you place on your children and whether or not they\u2019re realistic. Adjusting your perspective may require some personal soul-searching. <\/p>\n

\u201cThe first place team and the last place team both have amazing, wonderful, lovable kids on them,\u201d Sinclair-McBride said. \u201cThe high school senior that gets deferred from their top school still has a lot to be proud of and can still have an amazing college experience.\u201d<\/p>\n

Research has shown the benefits of focusing on effort<\/a> rather than the outcome. This removes a lot of harmful pressure and helps kids know they\u2019re good enough, even if they don\u2019t excel at everything.<\/p>\n

\u201cStart praising the effort the child has put in \u2015 \u2018I saw you studying last night \u2015 you are really working hard on that project\u2019 or, \u2018You\u2019ve been practicing every single night no matter what!\u2019\u201d Geering advised. \u201cI am also a fan of radical acceptance, of letting your child know that you love and accept them no matter what. You may not be happy about a particular behavior or decision at the moment, but you still love and accept them as a person. That increases that sense of safety, which can help reduce their anxiety.\u201d <\/p>\n

\"Research<\/p>\n

fotostorm via Getty Images<\/p>\n

Research has shown the benefits of parents focusing on their child’s effort rather than the outcome. This removes a lot of harmful pressure and helps kids know they\u2019re good enough, even if they don\u2019t excel at everything. <\/p>\n

Asking Many Leading Questions<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cAsking a lot of leading questions can make kids anxious,\u201d Sinclair-McBride said. \u201cSaying, \u2018Are you nervous because none of your best friends will be at camp?\u2019 kind of implies that they should be nervous.\u201d<\/p>\n

Resist the urge to word vomit all the things you think might make your child feel anxious, as this will likely exacerbate negative emotions or create new worries that didn\u2019t even occur to them previously. <\/p>\n

In her example, Sinclair-McBride suggested saying, \u201cI know that you will be going to the first week of camp in July solo. What do you think you or I could do to make that more fun for you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou could then help your child role-play introducing themselves to other campers or remind them about the cool activities they will do,\u201d she added. \u201cYou might realize you are more anxious than your child! This approach allows you to be more solution-focused instead of feeding your child a feeling \u2015 you\u2019re feeling.\u201d<\/p>\n

Taking An Authoritarian Approach To Parenting<\/strong><\/p>\n

Child psychologists often point to four main parenting styles<\/a> \u2015 neglectful, authoritarian, authoritative and permissive \u2015 that influence how children grow and interact.<\/p>\n

\u201cAuthoritarian style parenting tends to cause anxiety,\u201d Lockhart said. \u201cThis occurs when there are too many rigid rules in the home. Punishments like yelling, spanking and grounding are the go-to strategies to correct behavior, and there is little warmth and connection between the parent and the child.\u201d<\/p>\n

She noted that kids in homes with authoritarian parents often feel unsafe making mistakes because their caregivers overreact and overcorrect. Thus, there\u2019s much anxiety about doing everything just right.<\/p>\n

\u201cMany kids who grow up in these homes may become perfectionistic to make their parents proud, to avoid punishment, and to establish their identity as \u2018the good kid,\u2019\u201d Lockhart added. <\/p>\n

Sending Mixed Messages<\/strong><\/p>\n

Parents convey ideas to their children through what they say and do in their presence. Try to avoid sending mixed messages, which can fuel a sense of uncertainty and anxiety. <\/p>\n

\u201cI get this a lot from parents who say to their children, \u2018I want you to really enjoy taking this time being a kid,\u2019\u201d Yip explained. \u201cThen they follow up by saying, \u2018Have you studied for your SAT yet? That\u2019s really important to do. You really need to get on studying with your SAT because the deadline is approaching, and if you don\u2019t get on it, this is your last opportunity.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

She urged parents to mean what they say and stay true to their intentions when delivering a message. It doesn\u2019t have to be all or nothing, with 24\/7 academics or 24\/7 enjoying being a kid. <\/p>\n

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We remain committed to providing you with the unflinching, fact-based journalism everyone deserves.<\/p>\n

Thank you again for your support along the way. We\u2019re truly grateful for readers like you! Your initial support helped get us here and bolstered our newsroom, which kept us strong during uncertain times. Now as we continue, we need your help more than ever. We hope you will join us once again<\/a>.<\/p>\n

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20 Years Of Free Journalism<\/p>\n

For two decades, HuffPost has been fearless, unflinching, and relentless in pursuit of the truth. Support our mission<\/a> to keep us around for the next 20 \u2014 we can’t do this without you.<\/p>\n

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\u201cSay something like, \u2018Your SATs are coming up, and that needs to be a priority. I want you to be able to find some way to balance your time and prioritize what is most important to focus your attention on,\u2019\u201d Yip suggested. \u201cThat message tells you that their time is valuable. There are important things on their priority list that require their attention. This empowers kids to take ownership of their own journey without feeling like I have to do X, Y, and Z because my parents want me to do X, Y, and Z.\u201d<\/p>\n