![\"Saskia](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/99393035-0-image-m-57_1749989082419.jpg\")
<\/p>\nIt\u2019s exam season, and stress levels among children and their parents have risen to a rolling boil.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And once they\u2019re over? Our kids will feel brief relief, until results day looms and they\u2019re back to fretting about their future. Whether it\u2019s school or social media-related pressures, there\u2019s always something for young people to worry about.<\/p>\n
And if you\u2019re only ever as happy as your least happy child, that makes for an awful lot of anxious parents.<\/p>\n
Following the pandemic, Saskia Joss, a London-based child therapist and anxiety specialist, chose to focus on treating anxiety to help the many young people she saw struggling.<\/p>\n
\u2018I was seeing almost exclusively anxious children,\u2019 she says. \u2018They are still grappling with the same core issues they always have: friendship issues and bullying, parents divorcing, moving house, and change, but in recent years, especially since Covid, I\u2019ve seen a noticeable rise in anxiety.\u2019<\/p>\n
But take heart. There\u2019s a lot we can do to enable them \u2013 and ourselves \u2013 to feel more peaceful and secure. In her new book, Help! My Child\u2019s Anxiety is Giving Me Anxiety, Saskia reminds us that our children are lucky to have such capable, caring parents.<\/p>\n
\u2018We are the fortress between them and the scary world and we will work together to help them feel safe and restore their calm.\u2019<\/p>\n
Saskia \u2013 a mother of two \u2013 is a joyful, energetic presence who talks thoughtfully, wittily and fast. It just so happens that she\u2019s the daughter of Vanessa Feltz \u2013 they sound alike, look alike, and are clearly close. When Saskia describes how she was mothered, her voice is full of love and laughter. She wants that same sense of security and optimism for all kids, and believes parents have the power to give it. Here she shares her expert advice.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Saskia \u2013 a mother of two \u2013 is a joyful, energetic presence who talks thoughtfully, wittily and fast. It just so happens that she\u2019s the daughter of Vanessa Feltz<\/p>\n
EXAMS ARE NOT EVERYTHING<\/p>\n
We\u2019re still in the thick of GCSEs and A levels \u2013 and if parents are anxious, we supercharge our teens\u2019 anxiety. To alleviate our own fears, \u2018it\u2019s important for parents to remember that exams are not everything,\u2019 says Saskia. Some of the most exciting jobs today need no formal qualifications. \u2018If you can hold in mind that your job is to support your child to get where they need to go \u2013 and that most do end up with relatively good jobs and relatively happy lives \u2013 it helps keep things in perspective. The more we stress about it, the less our children will believe that\u2019s true. And yet it is true.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018When we talk to teens about exams, reassure them that you\u2019ll provide practical support. \u201cWe\u2019ll help with the logistics. We\u2019ll make a nice sandwich on the day, drive you to the exam, arrange a tutor if there\u2019s time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2018But put exams in perspective. Say, \u201cExams are useful, they can help you get into college or into the job you want later, but they don\u2019t define you. They don\u2019t show me how funny you are, how resilient, how thoughtful, how brave. None of that gets measured.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u2018And if it doesn\u2019t go as hoped? Say, \u201cIt\u2019s OK. We\u2019ll figure it out together.\u201d Whether that means finding a different college or exploring a new path, let them know you\u2019ll help them get where they need to go,\u2019 she says.<\/p>\n
YOUR PERFECTIONISM IS BAD FOR YOUR CHILD<\/p>\n
Children with pushy or highly competitive parents whose love is conditional on their success, will think they\u2019re meant to be perfect \u2013 that anything less than A* grades, sporting excellence, and getting into Oxford is a failure. It makes for anxious, unhappy children.<\/p>\n
\u2018Does perfectionism make us feel less loveable? The answer is definitely yes,\u2019 says Saskia.<\/p>\n
![\"If](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/99393043-0-image-a-58_1749989094236.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
If a child is anxious, but their parent appears unruffled and competent (even if they\u2019re panicking inwardly), it\u2019s reassuring<\/p>\n
\u2018If this was your experience growing up, it\u2019s hard to escape the feeling that \u2018that\u2019s how love is meant to feel\u2019. But you must, for your children\u2019s sake.\u2019<\/p>\n
Saskia coaches families in the \u2018growth mindset\u2019, which emphasises the value of effort, but not at any cost. For instance, Saskia is dyslexic, and was anxious about reading the audio version of her book. She prepared by daily reading with her son. And she told her children: \u2018I still might not be good enough, and that\u2019s OK. I couldn\u2019t have tried harder. Sometimes that happens.\u2019<\/p>\n
REMEMBER WHAT YOU\u2019RE DOING RIGHT<\/p>\n
Beneath anxiety is fear. If a child is anxious, but their parent appears unruffled and competent (even if they\u2019re panicking inwardly), it\u2019s reassuring.<\/p>\n
\u2018One of the most amazing things about anxiety in children,\u2019 says Saskia, \u2018is that they can be calmed by a parent who seems sensible and capable. They know if they scratch their knee, someone will find a plaster, or if they\u2019re hungry someone will make dinner.\u2019<\/p>\n
Anxious parents benefit from a similar dynamic. It\u2019s why Saskia shows self-doubting adults all the good they\u2019re doing. \u2018I say to them, \u201cLook how capable you are. Look how thoughtful you were when your teenager was upset about not being invited to that party. Yes you were anxious, but look how much is going well.\u201d\u2019<\/p>\n
Naturally, hearing this from an expert carries weight \u2013 but she suggests confiding in a trusted friend who can say to you, \u2018But you\u2019re always so lovely, I always see you trying your best.\u2019<\/p>\n
DON\u2019T FRET, THERE IS NO LOOMING CATASTROPHE!<\/p>\n
Parents can inadvertently train their child in catastrophic thinking, says Saskia. \u2018\u201cThey\u2019ve asked for a meeting! They\u2019re going to fire me.\u201d No, they\u2019re just going to talk about the budget. If this sounds like you, show them you can pull yourself back – \u201cOh hello, there I go, thinking of the worst case scenario!\u201d\u2019<\/p>\n
Anxious children (and parents) are also prone to mind reading, so if you spot it, point it out. \u2018Your child might say, \u201cShe won\u2019t want to play with me because I\u2019m not good at tennis.\u201d But if you respond jokily, \u201cOh, can you see inside her head?\u201d, we help children who get into anxious thinking patterns notice what they\u2019re doing.\u2019<\/p>\n
Without undermining their distress, keep your response appropriate to the seriousness of the situation. \u2018If children can see you\u2019re concerned, but there\u2019s a smile on your face \u2013 they know you can manage it. Check your face! What is it telling your child?<\/p>\n
FACE FEARS TOGETHER, DON\u2019T LIVE WITH THEM!<\/p>\n
Anxious adults can make the world seem scarier than it is, warns Saskia. \u2018If you\u2019re naturally anxious and your child isn\u2019t, they will still find the world more scary.\u2019<\/p>\n
To help our older teens deal with all the anxieties of friendship groups and first relationships, Saskia says: \u2018We need to have better, more grown-up conversations where we hold the fear but also put healthy limits around it, so our children don\u2019t have to carry it all. That means talking with them openly about real life: the pressures around alcohol and drinking, how to navigate safe sexual relationships and what consent looks like.\u2019<\/p>\n
The key is that these conversations are normal, honest and safe.<\/p>\n
\u2018If we\u2019re not scared to talk about something, then they don\u2019t have to be scared of it either. That makes a huge difference. It tells them: \u201cWhatever it is, we can talk about it and we\u2019ll face it together.\u201d\u2019<\/p>\n
IF THEY FEAR EXAMS, BE THEIR SAFE SPACE<\/p>\n
It\u2019s easy to betray irritation at your child\u2019s anxiety. Saskia gets it. \u2018You\u2019re supporting them, they\u2019re still anxious, and it\u2019s exhausting. But what\u2019s required here is a shift in understanding. Anxiety is a safety mechanism \u2013 it\u2019s protecting them from a perceived threat. They\u2019re not doing it to annoy you.\u2019<\/p>\n
Whether they\u2019re being physically sick before an exam, or freaking out at a party, anxious children wish they could go and have a nice time but \u2018feel as if there\u2019s a lion waiting at the door to eat them\u2019.<\/p>\n
Show your child you can protect them and that will help them calm down. If they\u2019re upset, remind yourself: \u201cMy child needs connection and to know I\u2019ll look after them.\u201d If your anxious response is to shout at them, \u2018You become part of the threatening situation,\u2019 says Saskia, and they\u2019ll simply become more anxious.<\/p>\n
AFTER-SCHOOL CLUBS CAN BE EXHAUSTING<\/p>\n
\u2018There\u2019s a feeling a child should be doing chess club on Mondays, police cadets on Tuesdays, mandarin on Thursdays,\u2019 says Saskia. Every single anxious child she sees does after-school activities.<\/p>\n
\u2018Once they\u2019re four or five years old, they do at least three or four a week. And Sunday football, and swimming lessons. Their schedule is packed. They\u2019re exhausted and less able to be resilient.\u2019<\/p>\n
It makes them much more likely to be anxious \u2013 and parents too. \u2018You\u2019re always on. You\u2019re always in a rush. It\u2019s unrelenting.\u2019<\/p>\n
We\u2019re teaching children that we don\u2019t relax. Instead, make quiet family time a habit \u2013 for teenagers too.<\/p>\n
For instance, \u2018Everybody sits down with a book and reads. It promotes this feeling that it\u2019s OK to sit quietly. If you find something funny in your book you can share it.\u2019 Or instigate a movie night. \u2018Everyone sits together under a blanket, eats popcorn from the same bowl, and watches an age-appropriate film.\u2019<\/p>\n
BE MORE LIKE VANESSA FELTZ!<\/p>\n
At the root of anxiety is a fear that something bad will happen. A parent\u2019s capacity for optimism is a powerful antidote, as Saskia recalls from her own childhood.<\/p>\n
\u2018My mum is an eternal optimist,\u2019 she says. \u2018She\u2019s always excited about the smallest things, such as a sale in the church hall. My mum will be like, \u201cMaybe someone will have made an amazing cake!\u201d So we\u2019ll all schlep on down, and quite often it\u2019s terrible, but the fact we\u2019ve gone together is nice.\u2019<\/p>\n
She adds: \u2018This ability to find something positive in something small is a mental health win. Rather than going down a hole of dark thoughts, it\u2019s a feeling that there could always be a good thing. Everyone knows the saying \u201cTomorrow might be better\u201d. Well, my mum is like, \u201cNext minute might be better!\u201d\u2019<\/p>\n
FIND THE FUN IN LIFE, IT WON\u2019T COST MUCH<\/p>\n
When you\u2019re anxious, the world feels dark. Injecting light doesn\u2019t require dramatic gestures or deep pockets.<\/p>\n
\u2018Play music while your child is in the bath, put cucumbers on their eyes, get them to say \u201cOmm\u201d \u2013 make it a spa bath.\u2019 The attitude is, \u2018You can find something fun in nothing,\u2019 says Saskia. \u2018Much easier than always trying to make these miraculous moments. It\u2019s not about spending big money to go to Disney.\u2019<\/p>\n
Citing another of her mother\u2019s ideas, Saskia says: \u2018If you\u2019re running down the street with \u00a33 to find the funniest thing you can buy in a charity shop, and that\u2019s the activity for the afternoon, you\u2019ve moved your body, you\u2019ve been outside, you\u2019ve done something together, and you\u2019ve had a really good laugh \u2013 you\u2019re much less likely to feel anxious.<\/p>\n
\u2018One of the funny things mum would say when I was a kid was, \u201cWould you rather be punctilious or supercilious?\u201d I didn\u2019t know either of those words. Then we\u2019d have a good laugh if I chose the wrong one or the right one \u2013 it didn\u2019t matter!\u2019 Saskia\u2019s upheld the tradition. \u2018Yesterday, I said to my children, \u201cWould you rather be a hog or sit on a log?\u201d And they cracked up. No one had to save up, go anywhere. We could just laugh.\u2019<\/p>\n
DON\u2019T AVOID PARTIES, THEY\u2019RE NOT THREATS<\/p>\n
If your child\u2019s anxiety is triggered by the unexpected, it\u2019s easy to start avoiding events and outings. But by limiting new experiences, we\u2019re actually perpetuating their anxiety.<\/p>\n
\u2018We\u2019re endorsing what they feel, agreeing that what feels like a threat is a threat.\u2019<\/p>\n
Instead give teenagers and younger children the chance to discover that, with your help and understanding, they can manage.<\/p>\n
ASK \u2018WHAT\u2019S THE DIFFERENCE?\u2019<\/p>\n
A good question parents can ask their anxious kid is: \u2018What\u2019s the difference?\u2019 As in, \u2018What\u2019s the difference between this party and the party last week where you had a good time?\u2019<\/p>\n
Or, if they\u2019re anxious about school, \u2018What\u2019s the difference between year 7 and year 8?\u2019<\/p>\n
There\u2019s no judgement, and you can give options \u2013 \u2018Was it this? Is it that?\u2019 Once you understand the fear, you can set safe boundaries, says Saskia. \u2018The key is, your child has to believe you care that they are distressed, that you will help them make a plan, to make it easier to manage this fear.\u2019<\/p>\n
GIVE THEM SOCIAL SCRIPTS TO FOLLOW<\/p>\n
Discovering your child is struggling socially triggers anxiety in most parents. To find out what they need, ask, \u2018What\u2019s the hardest part?\u201d\u2019 They might say, \u2018It\u2019s not having someone to sit with at lunch.\u2019 Especially with younger kids, Saskia advises doing \u2018a social walk-through\u2019.<\/p>\n
\u2018On the way to school, you ask, \u201cIf you were choosing what you\u2019d play at lunchtime, what would you choose? They might say \u201cthe swings\u201d. \u201cAnd who would you play with\u2026?\u201d If they say, \u201cSimon\u201d, suggest they ask him.<\/p>\n
You\u2019ve done the social thinking for them. Help them practice asking for what they want without pressuring the other person \u2013 \u201cWe can do what you want to do first\u201d. Tell them to ask that friend as soon as they get to school. Anxious kids like a plan.\u2019<\/p>\n
As for teenagers, Saskia says: \u2018If a teenager doesn\u2019t seem to have many friends, I\u2019d think about what activities they might be able to manage. Could they handle an art class once a week? Could they join a netball team?\u2019<\/p>\n
If they do have friends, but things feel shaky socially, create some gentle structure around their social time.<\/p>\n
\u2018For example, set up a regular event that rotates between homes, like we always watch Britain\u2019s Got Talent together on Saturday nights. If there\u2019s a party, great. But if not, they know they\u2019ll be at our house or Sarah\u2019s or Jane\u2019s.<\/p>\n
\u2018That kind of routine makes socialising feel less vulnerable. It removes the risk of asking and being turned down.\u2019<\/p>\n