Dear Eric:<\/b> \u201cJane\u201d and I have been friends since elementary school and were even college roommates for a year. <\/p>\n
Her parents treated me as part of their family throughout our childhood, teens and adulthood. Jane\u2019s parents were wonderful people and, as a parent myself, I have diligently worked to follow their example by welcoming and including my daughter\u2019s friends into our home and hearts, sharing meals and laughter, and providing a safe place to land when needed.<\/p>\n
Jane began suffering from profound mental illness as an adult and, following a divorce and losing her career as a result, she moved back in with her parents several years ago. Both of Jane\u2019s parents have died within the last two years, leaving Jane on her own to navigate living independently for the first time in her life. It\u2019s not going well, and Jane frequently turns to me for money, transportation, health care needs and to help her get out of many messy situations she finds herself in online and in real life.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s overwhelming to me, and I want to distance myself, but it makes me feel guilty because I am indebted to Jane\u2019s parents for their lifelong kindness to me. Jane\u2019s extended family have reached their limits with her, so I\u2019m one of the last people to even accept her calls. I\u2019m afraid of what will happen to Jane if I don\u2019t help, but I also don\u2019t know how to best help her anymore since she refuses professional mental health assistance. <\/p>\n
What should I do?<\/p>\n
\u2013 Overwhelmed BFF<\/p>\n
Dear Overwhelmed:<\/b> Sometimes, a loving and necessary thing to do is to tell someone we care about \u201cI will always be there for you, but I\u2019m overwhelmed. Can we find a new way to move forward?\u201d Jane is dealing with a lot and some things \u2013 many things, likely \u2013 are beyond your capacity.<\/p>\n
The debt of gratitude you feel toward her parents won\u2019t make the impossible possible. So, for instance, you can\u2019t take away Jane\u2019s grief, but you can listen to her as she processes it. Similarly, you can\u2019t make her get mental health assistance, but you can keep pointing out to her that there is support available.<\/p>\n
It will benefit you both for you to set internal boundaries for your relationship. This isn\u2019t abandoning Jane. Indeed, your guilt may be prompting you to overcompensate and overextend. In turn, Jane may be relying on you to an inappropriate degree, which doesn\u2019t help her.<\/p>\n
Talking to Jane about what you can and can\u2019t do, and alternatives that you\u2019d like to help her pursue, may not be easy, but it\u2019s a necessary step. She likely has a lot of untrue internal messages that are preventing her from accessing the kind of support that she needs. It\u2019s helpful to have a friend speak the truth plainly and clearly.<\/p>\n
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas<\/b> at eric@askingeric.com<\/a> or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram<\/a> and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com<\/a>.)<\/p>\n \u00a92025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC<\/b><\/p>\n