{"id":212591,"date":"2025-06-25T07:45:17","date_gmt":"2025-06-25T07:45:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/212591\/"},"modified":"2025-06-25T07:45:17","modified_gmt":"2025-06-25T07:45:17","slug":"my-wifes-new-higher-salary-has-made-me-depressed-and-less-confident-what-can-i-do-vicky-reynal-answers","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/212591\/","title":{"rendered":"My wife’s new higher salary has made me depressed and less confident. What can I do? VICKY REYNAL answers"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Vicky,<\/p>\n

Is my wife\u2019s higher salary the reason for my depression<\/a>? I am 46 and have been in a management role at the same firm for ten years. A year ago I started to feel quite low \u2013 less confident, more withdrawn from friends and arguing more with my wife. The only thing that has changed is she got promoted twice in two years and started earning more than me. Yet instead of feeling grateful that she\u2019s bringing in more money, I feel guilty that I\u2019m not making more. I should point out she has never made me feel guilty, it\u2019s all me. How can I just accept the situation and not let her salary impact everything?<\/p>\n

E.M., via email<\/p>\n

Vicky Reynal, Money Psychotherapist, replies: I think it\u2019s perfectly natural to have mixed feelings about your wife earning a higher salary than you. And even though I don\u2019t think there is ever just one reason why we might experience bouts of depression, it sounds like this shift in your relationship dynamic has had a significant impact on you on a number of levels.<\/p>\n

To begin with, it\u2019s okay to feel proud of your wife while simultaneously grappling with more difficult emotions such as envy, insecurity and even resentment. I\u2019m not suggesting you necessarily feel all of these things, but allowing yourself to acknowledge any uncomfortable emotions is a crucial step toward managing them. Emotions like anger or inadequacy (when suppressed or denied) can often manifest as sadness, withdrawal or depression.<\/p>\n

Having these feelings doesn\u2019t make you a bad husband or a flawed person \u2013 they\u2019re deeply human. What matters is how you process and respond to them. It\u2019s possible that some of the recent tension and arguments with your wife stem, at least in part, from feelings you have not yet explored or fully understood.<\/p>\n

It might help to reflect on what exactly her success brings up for you.<\/p>\n

Is it the simple fact that she now earns more than you? Or is it more about the trajectory \u2013 her upward career momentum, growing confidence and professional recognition? Perhaps it reminds you of a path you once hoped to take or highlights a feeling of stagnation in your own career.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re also at an age where many people begin to re-assess where they are in life. It doesn\u2019t take much and sometimes just a comparison with a peer or partner to trigger thoughts such as, \u2018Am I where I wanted to be by now?\u2019 That kind of internal evaluation can stir up disappointment or even shame if we feel we haven\u2019t met our own expectations, particularly around money or status.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also worth exploring what money represents to you on a symbolic level.<\/p>\n

\"If, <\/p>\n

If, growing up, your father worked and your mother earned less or focused on caregiving, it may feel unsettling for those roles to be reversed, writes Vicky Reynal<\/p>\n

In many societies men have long been expected to be the primary breadwinners and that legacy can still exert a powerful influence, even if we no longer consciously subscribe to those beliefs.<\/p>\n

If you grew up in a household where your father worked and your mother earned less or focused on caregiving, it may feel unsettling, perhaps even \u2018wrong\u2019 on some level, for those roles to be reversed.\u00a0<\/p>\n

In these cases guilt may arise because you feel you\u2019re not fulfilling a role you\u2019ve internalised as part of your identity. But sometimes it goes deeper than guilt and it becomes shame. And shame isn\u2019t about what you do or don\u2019t do; it\u2019s about who you believe you are. Thoughts like, \u2018I am not enough\u2019, \u2018I am less of a man\u2019 or \u2018I\u2019m failing,\u2019 can invade your mind.<\/p>\n

Another question worth exploring is whether your emotional response is purely internal, or whether external dynamics in your relationship have shifted too. Are the arguments with your wife really about money or are they about something money now represents, like power or control?<\/p>\n

Have you noticed her taking a more dominant role in financial or household decisions? If so, it\u2019s possible that some of your feelings stem from a sense of disempowerment, even if she didn\u2019t intend to create that imbalance.<\/p>\n

Alternatively, has your wife become more short-tempered or distant since earning more? It\u2019s possible that, for her, the salary difference marks a broader turning point and perhaps highlight imbalances in other areas, like emotional support, shared responsibilities or intimacy. If her behaviour has changed, try to understand why. Don\u2019t simply absorb it as a sign of your own inadequacy. Doing so may help you shift from feeling helpless to having agency again.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, understanding the emotional and relational dynamics that this salary disparity has brought to the surface is key. If the sadness is because her promotions and ascent have made you ask important questions about your career, see it as an opportunity. Is it time for you to ask for a promotion or more responsibility? Or to make a move to a job that feels more challenging? If this has challenged your unconscious definition of what it means to be a \u2018man\u2019 or a \u2018good partner\u2019 then do you want to continue to subscribe to that or can you think of different ways in which you can contribute more to family life and the relationship aside from the financial?<\/p>\n

Once you can unpack what the money represents to you, and explore with your wife how your roles and communication may have shifted as a couple, you\u2019ll be in a stronger position to address the real issues. That may be reclaiming a sense of purpose, reconnecting with your wife, or simply learning to give yourself more compassion.<\/p>\n