{"id":223812,"date":"2025-06-29T11:00:09","date_gmt":"2025-06-29T11:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/223812\/"},"modified":"2025-06-29T11:00:09","modified_gmt":"2025-06-29T11:00:09","slug":"if-things-were-bad-before-they-will-be-worse-can-families-recover-from-the-stress-and-strain-of-war-ukraine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/223812\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018If things were bad before, they will be worse\u2019: can families recover from the stress and strain of war? | Ukraine"},"content":{"rendered":"

When her husband went off to help defend Ukraine against Russia\u2019s invasion in 2022<\/a>, Yulia stayed at home with their toddler. She describes being overcome by a feeling of \u201cnumbness\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d been left alone with a small child. The worst thing for her was the thought that her father had left her and would never come back. The worst time was when she blocked her father when he tried to call.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt took several months to get a connection again. I\u2019m glad my husband didn\u2019t give up.\u201d<\/p>\n

Amid a multitude of strains on life in Ukraine<\/a> after three long years of war, Yulia\u2019s family have managed to survive the pressures, helped by a group that offers war-damaged families supportive counselling.<\/p>\n

Others have not been so lucky. While there are no official figures, anecdotal evidence points to a growing number of relationship stresses and families that have broken up under the pressures of war. From absence when wives and children have fled abroad, to the enforced separation when service at the front means men might only get home for a short period of leave once a year, there are a variety of factors driving relationship stress.<\/p>\n

Yulia, who was overcome by a feeling of \u2018numbness\u2019 when her husband left her and their child to help defend Ukraine<\/p>\n

Research from other countries<\/a>, including by King\u2019s College London<\/a>, suggests that in families where one member deploys for 12 months in a three-year period \u2013 considerably less than is usual in the Ukrainian military since the Russian invasion \u2013 relationship issues are 8% more prevalent<\/a> than in families where soldiers deploy for shorter periods.<\/p>\n

How partners adapt and change to new circumstances, whether at home or on the frontline, can also test the closest of bonds.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s really a sensitive issue,\u201d says Natalia Umerenkova, a psychologist at Ukraine\u2019s Institute of Social and Political Psychology who is involved in running the counselling sessions that Yulia attended.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the main things is fatigue. The war in Ukraine has been going on for more than 10 years, including more than three years of all-out war.<\/p>\n

Psychologist Natalia Umerenkova with Marina and Yulia in Kyiv<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople are exhausted. We have a hotline for families who have members in the military and we see requests connected to relationships increasing. It\u2019s not only wives but also men in the military calling, asking for help because they need help with the feeling that their relationship might be ending,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cEverything is different in each family. But there are three broad categories. If things were bad before, the war is a catalyst and things will be worse. Then there are the families who were close and know how to deal with the experience, how to communicate and have the same values.<\/p>\n

\u201cBetween those two are the families where there are differences in outlook, and some trust issues. The war can bring them together or break them up. But there\u2019s a feeling that both of them have changed.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you don\u2019t have enough strength to deal with issues that appear, to talk about them, then it becomes a vicious circle.\u201d<\/p>\n

It was really hard for me to understand why he wasn\u2019t here \u2026 it was like losing a limb <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Marina<\/p>\n

For men, the immersion in a military culture can create emotional separation from home.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s like a closed male club, where certain initiations take place,\u201d says one woman who recently separated from her partner. \u201cThey are surviving dangerous tasks. The men are physically together most of the time. They become emotionally closer to them than their partner because of the different shared experiences.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd it takes a lot of empathy from the soldier who\u2019s dealing with life and death issues to empathise with the issues his partner is dealing with in civilian life.\u201d<\/p>\n

The war, she says, has tilted the balance in Ukraine society\u2019s gender politics. \u201cThere is more of a tendency to excuse men\u2019s behaviour. It\u2019s considered bad if people feel you are talking shit about your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yulia, whose family have managed to survive the pressures of separation helped by supportive counselling<\/p>\n

The issue of trust can be one of uncertainty, and difficulty in communication, corroded by uncomfortable truths: including the awareness that some soldiers visit sex workers, a reality much in evidence in areas adjoining the immediate frontline.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s normal when in combat conditions,\u201d says Umerenkova. \u201cYour brain switches to survival mode to try to cut off emotions not connected to war.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou put all emotions into your survival and the survival of the group. Lots of wives say that communication with their husband changes because they are communicating the same way as in their military group. Short unemotional communications. And the wives are asking: \u2018Are we OK?\u2019 They see it as rejection.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mutual misunderstanding compounding a sense of doubt is a common theme.<\/p>\n

\u201cI came to this group,\u201d says Yulia, \u201cbecause I felt I had no choice. I could go crazy or learn to find help from other people. I was worried something was wrong with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

For Marina, 41, the stress responses became physical over the separation from her husband of 22 years, a combat medic who was injured during the conflict.<\/p>\n

Marina, who after her therapy sessions, says: \u2018One of the things I understand now is the right time to talk about certain things\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have never been apart for more than a month. We worked to find ways to communicate but it was really hard for me to understand why he wasn\u2019t here. It was like losing a limb and I had a physical reaction \u2013 rashes \u2013 when he left.<\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t understand if my emotional reactions were correct. In the beginning I thought the war would last one year at most. Then life will be the same but it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n

\u201c2022 was a bad year for me,\u201d she adds. \u201cI started therapy and then I heard about the support group. I found it hard to stay in touch with people whose life didn\u2019t change as much and didn\u2019t have the huge stress of a husband in the military.<\/p>\n

\u201cOne of the things I understand now is the right time to talk about certain things. Because my husband is a medic it\u2019s sometimes hard for him to talk about a lot of things, including the loss of colleagues. Now we have special words when he doesn\u2019t want to say something. Now I understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Umerenkova says the necessary level of social support is lacking in Ukraine. \u201cEveryone needs some support but its not easy to get with so many people in the army. As a society we need it, and it\u2019s important to start to talk about this now while the men are still in the army \u2013 because after the war, our veterans will need to deal with it.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"When her husband went off to help defend Ukraine against Russia\u2019s invasion in 2022, Yulia stayed at home…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":223813,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7654],"tags":[2000,299,657],"class_list":{"0":"post-223812","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-ukraine","8":"tag-eu","9":"tag-europe","10":"tag-ukraine"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@uk\/114766310814282894","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/223812","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=223812"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/223812\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/223813"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=223812"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=223812"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=223812"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}