{"id":225341,"date":"2025-06-30T00:57:17","date_gmt":"2025-06-30T00:57:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/225341\/"},"modified":"2025-06-30T00:57:17","modified_gmt":"2025-06-30T00:57:17","slug":"beyond-crazy-socks-a-doctors-mental-health-journey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/225341\/","title":{"rendered":"Beyond crazy socks: a doctor\u2019s mental health journey"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

In medicine, we\u2019re good at showing up to do the work no matter what. But we\u2019re far less skilled at saying, \u201cI\u2019m not okay.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is me, smiling. Clean-shaven. Early 30s. The photo on my hospital ID badge \u2014 the one I clipped to my shirt every day. I looked like I had it all together.<\/p>\n

\"Beyond<\/p>\n

What you can\u2019t see is that during the year that photo was taken, I tried to kill myself.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t say that lightly. And while I\u2019ve spoken about it once or twice, it\u2019s not something I talk about often.<\/p>\n

That year, I wasn\u2019t working in a high pressure trauma unit or a chaotic emergency department. I was working in aged care \u2014 a job marked by slowness and routine, where each day blended quietly into the next. I spent my time talking to residents, helping with medications and filling out paperwork. On paper, it should have been one of the quietest, kindest years of my career.<\/p>\n

But inside, I was quietly, invisibly falling apart.<\/p>\n

In medicine, we\u2019re good at showing up. No matter what\u2019s happening in our personal lives \u2014 relationship breakdowns, exam failures, exhaustion \u2014 we turn up, we do the work, we tick the boxes.<\/p>\n

But we\u2019re far less skilled at saying, \u201cI\u2019m not okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

Even in that near-nursing home environment, where the pace was slow and the days blurred into one another, the silence was the same. I felt ashamed of how I was feeling. Ashamed that I couldn\u2019t just push through. Ashamed that my mind \u2014 the very thing I relied on to care for others \u2014 had turned against me.<\/p>\n

No one at work knew. I didn\u2019t tell them. Not because they wouldn\u2019t have cared, but because I didn\u2019t know how to let the words out.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s this unspoken code in medicine:<\/p>\n

You can be weary, but not weak.<\/p>\n

You can be sad, but still seen as strong.<\/p>\n

But falling apart? That\u2019s not part of the script.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t have a single breakthrough moment. There was no dramatic turning point, no overnight recovery. What helped was much harder \u2014 and much more honest \u2014 than that.<\/p>\n

It started with a phone call from a friend. An admission to hospital. Followed by years of taking tablets.<\/p>\n

Not easy things. Not things I wanted to do. But things that kept me here.<\/p>\n

Some days, I just waited the feelings out. Some days, I let them wash over me. And some days, I surprised myself by laughing at something dumb on TV.<\/p>\n

Eventually, I started to believe I could survive. Not thrive. Just survive. That was enough.<\/p>\n

There were times when I kept going only because I couldn\u2019t bear to disappoint the people who loved me. Sometimes that guilt tethered me to life. Sometimes it was just the rhythm of a day \u2014 meals, movement, moments \u2014 that carried me through.<\/p>\n

Looking back, it wasn\u2019t strength that saved me. It was structure. Medication. Connection. And the decision \u2014 made over and over \u2014 to stay.<\/p>\n

These days, it\u2019s easier to talk about it. I have the words. I have the distance. I\u2019ve survived.<\/p>\n

But back then, I didn\u2019t want to be seen. Not like that.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s tempting to believe that openness is the answer \u2014 that if we all just shared our stories, the stigma would lift and things would get better. But when you\u2019re at your lowest, asking for help feels impossible. You don\u2019t want to be a burden. You don\u2019t think you\u2019re worth saving. You can barely get through the day, let alone put your pain into words.<\/p>\n

I think about that a lot now, especially around days like #CrazySocks4Docs. It\u2019s one thing to wear the socks. It\u2019s another thing entirely to reach out when you\u2019re the one who\u2019s struggling.<\/p>\n

We say, \u201cCheck on your strong friends.\u201d But maybe we also need to make it easier for them to whisper before they break.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t a story with a neat ending. I didn\u2019t conquer anything. I didn\u2019t come out stronger. I\u2019m just here \u2014 still doing the work, still sometimes struggling, still sometimes helping others do the same.<\/p>\n

But I know now how much it matters to be able to say, \u201cI need help.\u201d<\/p>\n

And I know how much it matters to hear, \u201cI\u2019ve been there too.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re the one barely holding it together, I hope this makes it feel a little less lonely. If you\u2019ve never felt that low, I hope it makes you look around a little more carefully.<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t need more slogans. We need more softness. More small check-ins. More moments of truth.<\/p>\n

And we need to remember: the colleague who seems calm and competent might be carrying more than you can see.<\/p>\n

I was.<\/p>\n

I still have that ID badge.<\/p>\n

It sits in a box with other relics from that time \u2014 pay slips, old rosters, the kind of paperwork you keep without knowing why. I used to look at it and feel ashamed. Now, I see it differently. It\u2019s proof that I made it through a year I wasn\u2019t sure I\u2019d survive.<\/p>\n

Recently, it was CrazySocks4Docs \u2014 a day to raise awareness about the mental health of doctors. It\u2019s easy to join in with a colourful pair of socks. It\u2019s harder to say, this was me.<\/p>\n

But maybe, just maybe, sharing that might help someone else get through their own impossible year.<\/p>\n

A\/Prof Andrew Tagg is a Paediatric Emergency Physician at Western Health in Melbourne. He is Deputy Chair of the ACEM Workforce Wellbeing Network and a strong advocate for mental health in medicine.<\/strong><\/p>\n

The statements or opinions expressed in this article reflect the views of the authors and do not necessarily represent the official policy of the AMA, the\u00a0MJA\u00a0or\u00a0InSight+\u00a0unless so stated.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n

Subscribe to the free\u00a0InSight+\u00a0weekly newsletter\u00a0<\/strong>here<\/strong><\/a>. It is available to all readers, not just registered medical practitioners.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n

If you would like to submit an article for consideration, send a Word version to\u00a0<\/strong>mjainsight-editor@ampco.com.au<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n

If you or anyone you know needs help:<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"In medicine, we\u2019re good at showing up to do the work no matter what. But we\u2019re far less…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":225342,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4317],"tags":[105,218,16,15],"class_list":{"0":"post-225341","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mental-health","8":"tag-health","9":"tag-mental-health","10":"tag-uk","11":"tag-united-kingdom"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@uk\/114769602054182736","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/225341","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=225341"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/225341\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/225342"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=225341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=225341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=225341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}