Her address swam back into my mind \u2014 quintessentially Cosmo pivot incoming \u2014 as I watched the new trailer for season three<\/a> of everyone\u2019s favourite high-budget hate watch: And Just Like That<\/a>. The teaser is rich! Over-the-top! The series will undoubtedly make me full body cringe in parts but, on release, will certainly be my televisual brainrot of choice.<\/p>\n Within the trailer there\u2019s a scene that is prototypical Sex And The City<\/a>. Where the OG\u2019s Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte \u2014 representing the full cynic-to-mushy romantic spectrum \u2014 do what they do best: analyse a piece of relational communication. <\/p>\n This time, it\u2019s a postcard from Aidan. It\u2019s blank. Charlotte\u2019s \u2018aww\u2019 as Carrie reveals this news draws an arched eyebrow from Miranda. \u201cAre we getting \u2018aww\u2019 over postcards, now?\u201d Charlotte caveats that it wasn\u2019t her most full-hearted \u2018aww\u2019. Carrie smiles and bows her head.<\/p>\n Should the spin-off series not be your trash culture of choice, Aidan is everyone\u2019s favourite one-that-got-away<\/a> in SATC<\/a>. And, at the end of AJLT season two, he told Carrie that he could no longer split his time between New York and his farm in Virginia, where his three sons from a previous marriage live, after the youngest crashed a car while intoxicated (fair). This came after Carrie had just moved into a new plush apartment for them to share, because he found her old one too triggering (also, fans will know, entirely fair).<\/p>\n Related Story<\/p>\n But what was interesting, to me at least, wasn\u2019t really about him or where he\u2019s at (we don\u2019t, of course, have the full story). It was more Miranda\u2019s sense-checking of Charlotte\u2019s impulse to praise a piece of vague, low-effort communication. To essentially encourage her friend to do that one thing women are socialised to do, but are being increasingly warned can be catastrophic for everything from our careers and relationships to, as Phillips said, our civil rights: to be grateful for the bare minimum.<\/p>\n One VN exchange with psychologist Sophie Mort<\/a> tells me I\u2019m not the only one who\u2019s had the phrase on their mind lately. Discussions about what to expect \u2014 and accept \u2014 are a mainstay in conversations with clients, but also in chats with friends. <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a really terrible sign,\u201d she says, of when crumbs of inconsistent or vague communication become normalised. \u201cPeople can become so emotionally starved in these situations that even the tiniest morsel feels like such a gift, such a snack.\u201d <\/p>\n But if you recognise yourself in the pattern \u2014 despite all the loud \u2018know your worth!\u2019 advice on your feeds<\/a> \u2014 she urges some self compassion. <\/p>\n \u201cPeople can become so emotionally starved that even the tiniest morsel feels like such a gift\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n \u201cBeing grateful for the breadcrumbs isn\u2019t a character flaw\u2026 There are lots of us who are susceptible to being overly grateful for the bare minimum, often because of the way that we\u2019re kind of conditioned or trained by other people. This could be early in our life \u2014 by our caregivers or people in our family \u2014 and could be [by] people we\u2019ve dated across our lifespan,\u201d she tells Cosmopolitan UK. <\/p>\n \u201cIf we\u2019ve had past relationships where even the basics were unreliable \u2014 if you\u2019ve been with someone emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, critical \u2014 then things like a blank postcard, a kind text, or them suddenly coming through and saying, \u2018You know, I\u2019d love to spend the day with you\u2019 after blanking you for a really long time feel huge. That\u2019s because of the discrepancy between how terrible you felt when they weren\u2019t there for you, and how great you feel when it seems like they\u2019re holding you in mind.\u201d<\/p>\n But, while self compassion is important, if you recognise these behaviours in yourself it\u2019s important to try and get them in check \u2014 or, like Miranda, remind your mates that they need to. (This might feel hard, but trust me, no friends are valued quite like the ones who care enough to deliver tough love \u2014 plus, more and more women are getting frank with their friends about their dating lives<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Related Story<\/p>\n \u201cWhen we get into this over-praising pattern of the bare minimum, we reinforce the other person\u2019s behaviour. They think: actually I got a really big amount of praise and feedback for that small amount of effort so I don\u2019t need to change my behaviour,\u201d she continues, adding that in the effort vacuum, some can end up giving more and more. <\/p>\n Sure, partnerships are rarely always equal in neat and easily definable ways. But, the way Mort squares it, these dynamics can wreak havoc on your ability to enjoy any sort of mental equilibrium. (Kind of a useful baseline as we all muddle through the chaos epoch that is the mid 2020s.)<\/p>\n \u201cWe can swing between an anxious state of being like, \u2018Where\u2019s this person? Why are they not here for me?\u2019, to feeling relieved, and then resentment starts to flood in over time, as well as a kind of questioning of our kind of self worth and what we decide what we deserve in relationships,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n \u201cWhen we over-praise the bare minimum, we reinforce the other person\u2019s behaviour\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n And this, she says, is a real point of concern. Every relationship is training you on what to accept. So even if you\u2019re in a \u2018fuck it, dating for the plot\u2019 stage and tolerating behaviour<\/a> you know really isn\u2019t it, you are priming yourself to go through a similar scenario on your next spin of the romantic wheel. <\/p>\n \u201cIt can distort our sense of what\u2019s healthy,\u201d Mort warns. \u201cIt\u2019s just so wild to me that this is so normalised because if you get used to this, the contrast between these little scraps and the full meal of a healthy relationship can confuse us and our nervous system and make healthy intimacy and reliable, consistent, clear communication feel unfamiliar \u2014 and even suspicious.\u201d She recalls a conversation with a mate who interpreted a potential partner expressing interest in such a healthy way that the regularity made her fear she was being love bombed<\/a>.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you\u2019re used to the bare minimum over and over for a long time, then when someone treats you actually well, you might be turned off. You might be panicked, you might feel flooded because it seems like something\u2019s wrong when actually, finally, you\u2019re being treated well, and this is what you should be expecting.\u201d<\/p>\n So, there you have it. Listen to Dr Mort. Listen to Miranda. Listen to your most painfully honest friends. Listen to the partners (they are out there) who will encourage you to ask for, and expect, what you deserve. And, crucially, listen to yourself. If you\u2019re accepting less, a small part of you will know.<\/p>\n Related Stories Rois\u00edn Dervish-O\u2019Kane is Women\u2019s Health\u2019s multi-award-winning Features Director and Chief Interviewer. From her zeitgeist-capturing commissions to profile interviews<\/a> that spark global media conversations, her journalism gets right to the heart of the biggest talking points across health, society, culture – and their fascinating intersection.<\/p>\n Heading up WH\u2019s industry-leading features offering, she plans, commissions and edits longform features across the site and magazine on everything from why medical sexism leads women to self-diagnose online<\/a> and the lasting biological harms of emotional self-suppression<\/a> to whether the booming longevity industry\u2019s claims tally with the research base. She also launched Well Opinionated<\/a>, the home of incisive, reactive comment on health news, politics and the latest wellness world controversies.<\/p>\n An experienced presenter – she\u2019s hosted The Women\u2019s Health<\/a> and Intelligence Squared<\/a> podcasts – you can find her in front of the camera, drawing out the health stories of WH\u2019s cover stars<\/a>.<\/p>\n Rois\u00edn has been named Writer of The Year by the PPA<\/a> and made their 30 under 30 list. Her writing has also been recognised by the Medical Journalists Association<\/a> and Guild of Health Writers, while The Women’s Health Podcast, which she produced and hosted, earned a highly commended for ‘Best Health Podcast’ at the Publisher Podcast Awards<\/a>.<\/p>\n She is also a regular news review contributor on BBC radio, an experienced panel host – and speaker.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Of all the sentences I\u2019ve imbibed so far this year, a few have really hung around. 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