her book<\/a> looks at how ADHD intersects with the experience of everything from education to employment. It also touches on romantic relationships and dating.<\/p>\nHere, she sorts fact from fiction on the topic of love for those with ADHD, and in the process, reveals what she wishes more neurotypical people knew about dating someone with the condition. <\/p>\n
Dating apps can become a dopamine-boosting \u2018game\u2019<\/p>\n
App dating can be addictive for anyone, but Medland says this is particularly true for people with ADHD. \u201cDating apps are gamified dopamine delivery systems. Our dopamine baseline is naturally lower. So it keeps you pulling the lever. It can mean starting conversations and then instantly getting bored; I had over 30 people blocked at one point so I wouldn’t have to see the body count,\u201d she recalls.<\/p>\n
![\"Amber](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/08\/AmberMedlandcr-JessicaLambert.jpg\")
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Amber Medland is the author of Attention Seeker<\/p>\n
Amber Medland<\/p>\n
\u201cIt took me ages to realise that I was hooked on the process of using dating apps \u2014 namely curating my own profile as if it were a piece of art, and swiping, rather than being invested in an end goal,\u201d adds Medland. <\/p>\n
I went on an unholy number of first dates without any expectations of clicking with someone<\/p>\n
There might not be a clear trajectory in mind<\/p>\n
Amber remembers that saying yes to a date with someone she met on an app didn\u2019t necessarily guarantee she was \u2018into\u2019 them.<\/p>\n
\u201cDopamine-hunting might also mean you end up \u2018rewarding\u2019 someone, by saying yes to a date, purely for crafting one funny sentence, rather than seeking genuine compatibility,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cI went on an unholy number of first dates without any expectations of clicking with someone. And I went on more than one out of sheer curiosity, with guys who had only used a single photo of themselves \u2014 and it was often a The Phantom of the Opera-style mask. Once there, I just looked forward to returning to my friends after to laugh and eat pizza,\u201d Medland admits.<\/p>\n
Clear communication from a potential partner is key<\/p>\n
Medland explains that as \u2018low executive function\u2019 is part of ADHD, she can have difficulty with things such as planning, organising and task management. Therefore taking the lead on these things if you\u2019re dating someone with ADHD can be a huge help. \u201cAlong with decision paralysis it can make figuring out the logistics behind a date a barrier to going on them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m always grateful when someone proactively suggests a time and place. It saves me literally hours of deliberation (and about 40 open tabs),\u201d she says. \u201cIf your date knows you have ADHD, this kind of consideration goes a long way.\u201d<\/p>\n
Oh, and be specific, Medland adds. \u201cIncluding the postcode is also key. I\u2019ve turned up at the wrong branch of a pub multiple times.\u201d<\/p>\n
ADHD women are cast as high-maintenance pets, a stereotype which I worry attracts controlling men<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t believe what you see on social media<\/p>\n
Some of the tropes around dating someone with ADHD which are seen on social media can be damaging, Medland explains. \u201cI see a lot of content where neurotypical partners take a caretaking role while their ADHD partner runs around. ADHD women are cast as high-maintenance pets, a stereotype which I worry attracts controlling men.\u201d<\/p>\n
Splitting tasks the right way will help keep things harmonious<\/p>\n
Medland says that once in a relationship, finding your groove means splitting tasks according to natural aptitude. So the same as in any solid relationship. \u201cIt\u2019s true that in some relationships [where one person has ADHD] one partner takes on more practical tasks, but both partners being aware of this fact can balance that out.\u201d <\/p>\n
For example, she says: \u201cMy boyfriend cleans more, but I do far more kin-keeping, planning, and the invisible labour of keeping our lives running. Everyone needs help in different ways. With understanding, ADHD can be an invitation to interdependence rather than imbalance.\u201d<\/p>\n
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\u2018Getting intimate\u2019 by Ruby etc<\/p>\n
Day dates aren\u2019t always a good idea<\/p>\n
\u201cThe time-windows in which I can work are quite short, so I would never sacrifice daytime for a date, which rules out coffee.\u201d says Medland. \u201cAlso, most of us have to be careful with caffeine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Over the years, Medland has learnt some strong coping mechanisms to help herself feel present on dates. \u201cWhat really helped me was always walking to a date, to burn off some of the excess energy and mental restlessness, and clear my head. Also picking either activities I wanted to do anyway (to put less pressure on the date), or allotting myself one-hour windows at the pub was key. It meant that time-blindness wouldn\u2019t make me feel I\u2019d be stuck on a terrible date forever. I would set a (silent) timer on my phone.\u201d<\/p>\n
A diagnosis should be revealed at the person\u2019s own pace<\/p>\n
When to reveal a diagnosis is very much up to the individual, says Medland. \u201cIf the first thing you tell someone is that you have ADHD, that\u2019s 100 per cent of what they know about you. If you tell them later on, it might be 10 per cent. <\/p>\n
\u201cIf you say it early on, they\u2019re also likely to project everything they know or think they know about ADHD onto you, which given our media environment is not a fun experience. I often ended up disclosing anyway, if only because the way I talk confused people, but I hope if I were still dating now, I wouldn\u2019t feel the need to preface my strangeness with an apology.\u201d<\/p>\n
There is so many joy to be found in dating someone with ADHD<\/p>\n
Medland sees far more negatives than positives portrayed about dating an ADHD partner, and so it means the many positives are often under reported. \u201cLargely because of stereotypes perpetuated by social media, some people assume ADHD people make terrible partners \u2014 messy people who will forget dates and only talk about themselves,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n
However, \u201cin fact, ADHD brings a lot to a relationship. Life is rarely dull. To speak in broad generalisations, built on talking to roughly 50 people for my book, we have high levels of empathy, imagination, and a great sense of humour with a strong appreciation for the absurd.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dating within the neurodivergent community can make for a great match<\/p>\n
Several apps, including Mattr and Hiki, now exist to facilitate dating among the neurodivergent community, and Medland thinks this is a great thing. \u201cWe tend to vibrate at the same frequency, so there\u2019s a natural chemistry,\u201d she thinks. \u201cThe ASD [Autism Spectrum Disorder] and ADHD match can be electric because ADHD partners bring spontaneity, creativity, and social fluidity, while autistic partners can provide structure, calm, and clarity.\u201d<\/p>\n
But as well as difference, there\u2019s also similarities, which make for common ground says Medland. \u201cWe share some of the same struggles like difficulty with transitions and sensory processing issues, and with social reciprocity \u2014 both groups talk towards their special interests \u2014 but when two people are doing that it\u2019s not a problem, it\u2019s just an interesting conversation, with the small talk cut out. <\/p>\n
\u201cMany ADHD people are hypersensitive and emotional, and with autistic people, you tend to know exactly where you stand which is reassuring,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n
Women with ADHD aren\u2019t wilder in bed<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a persistent stereotype that women with ADHD are wild in bed,\u201d says Amber, who spoke to dozens of people with ADHD for her book. \u201cI think this has happened due to people confusing \u2018lacking inhibitions\u2019 and \u2018lacking impulse control\u2019. <\/p>\n
\u201cOne may result in fantastic sex, but the other is more likely to lead to vivid fantasies, poorly executed,\u201d she posits.<\/p>\n
\u201cWomen with ADHD have more frequent and riskier sex largely due to impulsivity and low self-esteem. Sadly, we\u2019re also less likely to find sex satisfying, and have significantly fewer and less consistent orgasms due to distractibility and difficulty staying in the moment,\u201d she adds. \u201cA lot of us also find it impossible to turn down the volume in our heads, which can make sex feel like another thing on the to-do list.\u201d<\/p>\n
Though as with all sexual relationships, Medland says finding a compatible partner can help make things more satisfying. \u201cOn the plus side, the ADHD imagination is wild, and a partner who understands your brain can help channel that, whether through a filthy narrative or just enough sensory grounding to keep you in your body.\u201d<\/p>\n
Amber Medland is the author of Attention Seeker: The Truth about ADHD, (\u00a318.73, <\/strong>amazon.co.uk<\/strong><\/a>).<\/strong><\/p>\n![\"Attention](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/08\/9780349704135.jpg\")
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Dialogue Books<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Open TikTok and no doubt you\u2019ll fast be served a video about living with ADHD. Increased awareness and…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":338868,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[2012,17605,105,224,16,15,1292],"class_list":{"0":"post-338867","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-adhd","9":"tag-dating","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-relationships","12":"tag-uk","13":"tag-united-kingdom","14":"tag-women"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@uk\/115016714635314488","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/338867","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=338867"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/338867\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/338868"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=338867"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=338867"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=338867"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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