After landing at London Stansted, London, me and the family had an easy drive with our small security detail of 12 cars to David Lammy\u2019s cabin down in Kent, England. Big Dave was there to greet us.<\/p>\n
\u201cWelcome to Chevening, JD,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood to see you again,\u201d I replied.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me show you, Usha and the kids around.\u201d<\/p>\n
I have to say that I found the place a bit small and dingy, but I kept my thoughts to myself. I wasn\u2019t there to upset anyone.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s this room?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
Big Dave looked blank.<\/p>\n
One of his advisers chipped in. \u201cIt\u2019s the bedroom,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s it,\u201d Dave echoed. \u201cIt\u2019s the bedroom\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cNice,\u201d I said. Maybe the bed had been a clue. Nothing gets past BD.<\/p>\n
After a short rest, we all went downstairs. BD suggested we go over to the private chapel.<\/p>\n
\u201cSuits me,\u201d I said. \u201cLet\u2019s get down to a half-hour power pray. Though best to agree the prayer agenda. Don\u2019t want to confuse the almighty. OK. Are you ready? One, two, three, pray.\u201d<\/p>\n
The next day started with a short walk around the garden, followed by top level discussions.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet\u2019s start with Gaza,\u201d said Big Dave.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine by me. You go first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, the situation is appalling. What shall we do about it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo idea. The Donald wants to turn it into a Mediterranean Riviera resort.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe later. How about we both say how appalled we are and that we will have more talks about it soon?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat works for me,\u201d I said. \u201cLet\u2019s move on to Ukraine. It would be nice if that Zelenskyy guy was a bit more grateful for everything we\u2019ve done for him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMmm. I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s quite the best place to start. Could we agree the war has been terrible and that President Putin needs to accept a ceasefire?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll need to check that out with the president.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course,\u201d Big Dave nodded vigorously. \u201cSo that\u2019s about it. Everything sorted. Where would the world be without us. How about a spot of fishing on the lake?<\/a>\u201d<\/p>\n It was a top morning. Poor old Dave just stood there cluelessly holding his rod while the kids reeled in fish after fish.<\/p>\n David Lammy fishing with JD Vance at Chevening. Photograph: Suzanne Plunkett\/PA<\/p>\n \u201cWhat am I doing wrong?\u201d he groaned.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t have the heart to tell him that I had previously arranged with the frogmen to attach a whole load of fish to my kids\u2019 hooks. You don\u2019t want to go disappointing the little ones.<\/p>\n There was just time for one last round of competitive prayer and then it was time to move on.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s been good seeing you again, BD.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd you, JD.\u201d<\/p>\n A few hours later, after a short visit to the quaint Hampton Court resort and spa next to the Thames \u2013 the kids somehow managed to get lost in the maze \u2013 and our motorcade pulled into our quaint little manor house in the village of Dean in the heart of the historic Cotswold mountains. There to greet us was our tour guide for the week. A rather creepy, needy guy called George Osborne.<\/p>\n Ozzy is a strange fellow. Kept saying how he used to be chancellor of the exchequer and would I like to come on his podcast. Said it was him and David Cameron who were responsible for austerity.<\/p>\n \u201cCall me Mega,\u201d he laughed nervously. \u201cMaking England Great Again.\u201d<\/p>\n I guess he\u2019s just down on his luck these days. Nothing better to do than talk about how he used to be a someone and fix up bespoke holidays for the rich and famous like me. Still, I didn\u2019t want to kick a man when he was down. So it was best to humour him. After all, he did arrange the rental.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve arranged a small drinks reception,\u201d he said. \u201cJust a few Tory politicians who are keen to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n Personally I couldn\u2019t think of anything worse. Wasting time with a whole load of deadbeats who would be out of power for the foreseeable future. But needs must. I am doing God\u2019s work.<\/p>\n Later that evening I found myself cornered by some dude called Robert Jenrick<\/a>, who insisted he was the real leader of the Tory party.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t you hate foreigners?\u201d he said. \u201cI wouldn\u2019t want my daughters to be surrounded by bearded blokes from inferior cultures who turn up here uninvited. No present company excepted. No offence.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNone taken.\u201d<\/p>\n I woke up the next morning and switched on the radio to the British Broadcasting Communism. How do the limeys cope with socialists taking over their airwaves? Just endless white noise about caring for foreigners. What\u2019s wrong with a little recreational xenophobia? My irritation was interrupted by my phone ringing. A woman called Kemi Something.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m leader of the Tory party,\u201d she pleaded.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u201dm leader of the Tory party. Can we meet?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorry. Busy. Am off to the Daylesford Farm shop. You can\u2019t get any decent monterey jack cheese round here.\u201d<\/p>\n Click.<\/p>\n Just then a policeman arrived. I\u2019d been caught fishing without a licence. I could have been liable for a \u00a32,500 fine. But he said he\u2019d let me off this time. That\u2019s the last time I trust Big Dave to arrange an expedition for me. As the police car pulled away, I saw a crowd of women waving pictures of me on placards. It was nice to be wanted. The Brits made me feel so welcome. Ozzy told me they were singing: \u201cWe love you, JD Vance<\/a> \/ Our lives thou dost enhance.\u201d<\/p>\n Anti-Vance protesters in Charlbury, Oxfordshire. Photograph: Graeme Robertson\/The Guardian<\/p>\n That just left time for a late breakfast meeting with Nigel Farage. There\u2019s a guy you don\u2019t want to get too close to early in the morning. His breath reeked of cigarettes and booze. He seemed surprised I had come to the most dangerous country on the planet for my holidays. I suggested we start with a quick 45-minute prayer session to seek God\u2019s guidance on rounding up foreigners and deporting them.<\/p>\n