\u2018But I\u2019ve stopped drinking,\u2019 James, 57, exclaimed, looking at me now as though I\u2019d lost my mind. \u2018I haven\u2019t touched a drop in almost a year.\u2019<\/p>\n
True, he had stopped. In fact, his \u2018soberversary\u2019 was coming up \u2013 a full year of sobriety \u2013 and our sons, Adam, now 24, and Elliot, 22, were asking how we were going to celebrate.<\/p>\n
And it was at that point I knew there was no way I\u2019d be marking this \u2018joyful\u2019 occasion \u2013 I was done with the relationship. After putting up with his drunkenness for so long \u2013 and the rows, the ruined holidays and even the infidelity that came with it \u2013 I was finally walking away.<\/p>\n
![\"Marian](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/105335589-15445237-image-m-41_1767871253873.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
Marian Trevlin says even her two sons are shocked that she is finally leaving her husband now (picture posed by models)<\/p>\n
I know that might sound confusing, especially if you haven\u2019t, like me, lived with someone who lets alcohol run their life, and yours.<\/p>\n
Even the boys are shocked that I\u2019m leaving their dad now, when he\u2019s finally sober.<\/p>\n
They grew up with his drinking, but I shielded them from what it did to me \u2013 the anxiety, the loneliness, the grinding responsibility of being the only sober parent almost every evening, weekend and social situation.<\/p>\n
You might well wonder why, if I endured so much, I didn\u2019t leave him sooner, when he was in the thick of alcoholism.<\/p>\n
For years, I\u2019d convinced myself that it wasn\u2019t his fault; that eventually he would see how he was hurting me and stop.<\/p>\n
But when he finally did quit, he didn\u2019t do it for me but purely for self-serving reasons. I could see, finally, that he was never in the grip of a disease, but just a deeply selfish man.<\/p>\n
James was a high-functioning drinker, who, I now realise, always had the ability to control his intake but chose not to \u2013 when the person suffering wasn\u2019t him.<\/p>\n
It was only a health scare, affecting him and him alone, that made him go sober.<\/p>\n
James wasn\u2019t what most people see as a classic problem drinker. A successful marketing manager, admired by colleagues who only ever saw the best of him, James could keep it together at work dinners and in front of clients.<\/p>\n
He wasn\u2019t a violent or aggressive drunk, either. It was more that he embarrassed himself (and me) when we went out together, while at home he\u2019d pass out on the sofa most evenings.<\/p>\n
By the time the boys were in bed, my choices were bleak: sit next to someone getting quietly sloshed, who wouldn\u2019t remember our conversations the next day, or go to bed alone.<\/p>\n
He\u2019d be grumpy in the morning until the painkillers kicked in. He\u2019d go to work, come home cheerful for an hour, then the cycle would start again.<\/p>\n
We\u2019d met in our late 20s through mutual friends, me a teacher and him a copy writer for an advertising agency.<\/p>\n
Back then, I liked that he was a drinker; I enjoyed a tipple myself and he was fun to drink with. Once I became pregnant, I stopped drinking completely. And while I didn\u2019t expect James to do the same, I assumed he\u2019d at least cut back.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t until I was eight-and-a-half months pregnant with Adam, uncomfortable and scared about giving birth, that I first recognised just how big a problem James\u2019s drinking was.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d wanted support and reassurance, but instead he arrived home from the pub one Friday evening completely plastered and crashed out fully clothed on the sofa.<\/p>\n
The next morning, I snapped. I told him if he didn\u2019t stop drinking now, he could miss the birth and that I\u2019d never forgive him if that happened.<\/p>\n
He stayed dry until after the baby was born, but it was tactical \u2013 the start of a pattern of him reining it in when the stakes were high, then drinking again once the threat had passed.<\/p>\n
Even with a newborn baby in the house, he\u2019d go to the pub most evenings after work, then top up on beer and wine when he got home. At the weekends, he\u2019d disappear to a local bar during the afternoon; even on trips with the boys he\u2019d find a way to work a pub lunch into the day.<\/p>\n
Five years later, when the boys were aged four and two, came the biggest betrayal.<\/p>\n
He came back from a work trip distracted and short-tempered. He wasn\u2019t interested in talking to me or having sex. I kept asking what I\u2019d done wrong.<\/p>\n
A week later, with the boys asleep and me crouched on the lounge rug throwing Lego into its tub, he walked in, perched himself on the sofa and with shaking hands said he needed to tell me something.<\/p>\n
His voice cracked as he admitted meeting a woman \u2013 a complete stranger \u2013 in the hotel bar. One drink had turned into several and he\u2019d ended up sleeping with her.<\/p>\n
\u2018It meant nothing,\u2019 he told me, crying with remorse. \u2018I was too drunk to even remember it properly.\u2019 Adding that it wasn\u2019t him who had betrayed me, but the idiot he became when he got drunk.<\/p>\n
I remember the ordinary mess of home colliding with his words \u2013 the abandoned toys and cartoon still burbling on the TV \u2013 while he trotted out clich\u00e9s as though they made everything OK.<\/p>\n
Fury took over me. I threw a piece of Lego at his head and yelled at him to get out.<\/p>\n
He looked shocked and didn\u2019t move. So, I marched into the kitchen, yanked a bin bag from under the sink, then ran upstairs and stuffed it with random belongings: shirts, a pair of trainers, his shaving bag.<\/p>\n
\u2018I\u2019ll quit drinking,\u2019 he said when I reappeared. \u2018I\u2019ll do anything to put this right.\u2019<\/p>\n
I threw the bin bag into the hall, and he left to stay with his brother.<\/p>\n
But, for all my apparent resolve, I agonised for days. Watching the boys play I thought about how ending the marriage would see them living between two homes, with the constant fear James might get drunk without me there to police him.<\/p>\n
I thought about money, the house, birthdays, Christmas \u2013 and the fact I still loved him. Or rather, the sober version of him, someone who was warm, funny, loving and affectionate.<\/p>\n
I told myself that if this shock finally made him face up to his drinking, perhaps the pain of this betrayal would be worth it. And so\u2026 I let him come home.<\/p>\n
For a while, James seemed determined to prove I\u2019d done the right thing.<\/p>\n
He came straight home every evening, ate dinner with us and read the bedtime stories. He held my hand in the park, and we made holiday plans.<\/p>\n
It lasted two months. The first time he poured himself a drink again was at his father\u2019s 60th birthday party. \u2018It\u2019s been ages,\u2019 he hissed as I looked at him aghast. \u2018I\u2019ve proved I can stop. It\u2019s a special night.\u2019 Then he asked how long I planned to punish him.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe him, so I smiled weakly and let it pass. Within weeks, he was back drinking more than ever.<\/p>\n
\u2018I just drink too much sometimes, that\u2019s all,\u2019 he\u2019d insist. \u2018If that makes me an alcoholic, then so is half the country.\u2019<\/p>\n
But does \u2018half the country\u2019 come home from work early to watch their boys\u2019 nativity play, then nip out to get milk, take a detour to the pub for a \u2018swift one\u2019 and end up forgetting all about their family when one pint became four?<\/p>\n
The examples are countless. There was my friend\u2019s 40th, where he made a drunken speech no one had asked for, slopping red wine down my new dress when I tried to get him to sit down.<\/p>\n
And the family barbecue, where he went to the corner shop to fetch ice and returned two hours later smelling of whisky and mints.<\/p>\n
![\"She](\"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/105335591-15445237-image-a-40_1767871248865.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
She has made the decision to move out because James always had the ability to stop drinking (picture posed by model)<\/p>\n
Each time, afterwards, he swore things would change. Each time, I wanted to believe him.<\/p>\n
But actually, everyday reality was worse than the big scenes. The ongoing, year-on-year burden of knowing everything \u2013 from after-school pick-ups to emergency trips to A&E \u2013 was always down to me because James was invariably over the limit by 6.30pm.<\/p>\n
I came close to leaving a couple of years ago on our 25th wedding anniversary.<\/p>\n
We were staying in a beautiful hotel in the Lake District and on the first night he ordered wine with dinner, finishing the bottle before I was halfway through my first glass. When he waved the waiter back, my stomach dropped.<\/p>\n
\u2018Please don\u2019t,\u2019 I said quietly. He just laughed and ordered another. Soon he was loud and slurring, trying to hold court with the next table, while I sat there, cheeks burning.<\/p>\n
Back in the room, with James passed out on top of the covers, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Is this really the marriage I am going to grow old in, I thought?<\/p>\n
He apologised the next morning and vowed to drink less for the rest of the trip. But his version of cutting back was one bottle instead of two. And, inevitably, it didn\u2019t last.<\/p>\n
Until finally, a year later, James\u2019s doctor achieved what I never could.<\/p>\n
James had just turned 55. His blood pressure was sky high, and his bloods showed raised liver enzymes and dangerously high cholesterol.<\/p>\n
\u2018Your lifestyle is going to put you in an early grave,\u2019 his doctor warned.<\/p>\n
Compounding James\u2019s panic was a colleague who\u2019d recently suffered a fatal heart attack and another drinking friend who\u2019d been diagnosed with incurable liver cancer.<\/p>\n
James came home talking about how stupid he had been, adamant he would now go sober, quit smoking and join a gym.<\/p>\n
\u2018I\u2019ve heard this all before,\u2019 I thought. But within a week he had done all three.<\/p>\n
He started waking at 5am to run and tracking routes on Strava.<\/p>\n
The fridge, once stacked with wine, was now filled with protein shakes and zero-per-cent beer.<\/p>\n
I found his evangelical approach \u2013 early nights, meditation apps and posting sunrise photos \u2013 nauseating.<\/p>\n
People commented online saying how amazing he looked, while inside I fumed.<\/p>\n
I kept reflecting on everything his drinking had taken from me, and how different things would have been if only he\u2019d chosen to stop sooner.<\/p>\n
Now, suddenly, he wanted to make plans and spend time together. Only I didn\u2019t want that.<\/p>\n
By then our sons had grown up and I had finally started to do more for myself. I\u2019d begun meeting friends for dinner again, enjoying being able to relax in a restaurant without counting James\u2019s drinks.<\/p>\n
And now, at 57, having already mentally moved on, that \u2018soberversary\u2019 tipped me into doing something about it.<\/p>\n
Recently I saw Wayne Rooney say his wife, Coleen, saved his life from alcohol. I know he meant it as praise. But there is nothing romantic about living with a drunk.<\/p>\n
Women like me do not save our husbands. We absorb the damage until there is nothing left of ourselves to give.<\/p>\n
Six months ago, I moved into my flat. Soon, I\u2019ll start divorce proceedings.<\/p>\n
I do miss James sometimes \u2013 the private jokes, the periods when he chose not to drink. We have met a few times for coffee and each time he says he is lonely and sad, as though he\u2019s the victim in all this.<\/p>\n
I remind him that is how I felt for years. He looks wounded and says he didn\u2019t mean to do that to me.<\/p>\n
James remains sober. I haven\u2019t worried about our separation leading to him falling off the wagon \u2013 I\u2019m honestly ambivalent now as to whether he drinks or not.<\/p>\n
Maybe one day James and I will become friends. But, right now, I\u2019m focused on enjoying this feeling of being unburdened.<\/p>\n
When James finally decided he wanted to save himself, I decided to save myself too. I just wish that one of us had made that choice so much sooner.<\/p>\n
Marian Trevlin is a pseudonym. All names and identifying details have been changed<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Standing across the kitchen from my husband, James, I saw the distress on his face and silently told…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":682600,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[92,368,105,388,169538,203509,16,15],"class_list":{"0":"post-682599","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-health","8":"tag-dailymail","9":"tag-femail","10":"tag-health","11":"tag-lifestyle","12":"tag-lifestylefamilyparenting","13":"tag-secrets-lives","14":"tag-uk","15":"tag-united-kingdom"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@uk\/115860489202022927","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/682599","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=682599"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/682599\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/682600"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=682599"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=682599"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=682599"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}