{"id":823011,"date":"2026-03-13T12:34:16","date_gmt":"2026-03-13T12:34:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/823011\/"},"modified":"2026-03-13T12:34:16","modified_gmt":"2026-03-13T12:34:16","slug":"i-think-kids-should-be-financially-independent-at-18-i-havent-told-my-daughter-yet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/823011\/","title":{"rendered":"I think kids should be financially independent at 18. I haven’t told my daughter yet."},"content":{"rendered":"

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers.\u00a0Submit your own questions about money here<\/strong><\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve decided to basically cut off my daughter once she\u2019s finished with high school, which will be just over five months from now.\u00a0She didn\u2019t do anything wrong, I\u2019m not eager to be rid of her, and I could easily continue to provide for her basic needs, but I won\u2019t.\u00a0I myself lived with my parents into my 20s, but I feel like this did me no favors, and I\u2019ve come to believe in \u201csink or swim\u201d and \u201chard knock\u201d life philosophies.\u00a0So please don\u2019t argue about this decision.<\/p>\n

My only question is when and how to deliver this news to my daughter.\u00a0I don\u2019t want to ruin her birthday or the rest of her senior year, so I may wait until after graduation to tell her she\u2019s on her own.\u00a0I\u2019ve been trying to instill frugality, budgeting, and saving, but my daughter doesn\u2019t yet know how important that will soon be for her.\u00a0If she knew now, she might be better prepared, but I can see how the stress from this might actually be detrimental overall.<\/p>\n

My daughter and I have a tender, loving relationship, and I\u2019m sure she will be surprised to find out she\u2019s being turned away.\u00a0Or maybe she will surprise me and fly the nest without being pushed.\u00a0She actually told me months ago that I shouldn\u2019t pay for college; that is actually what got me started down this road.\u00a0I hope to still have a (non-co-dependent) relationship with her after this, but I will understand if she doesn\u2019t speak to me for a while. Should I continue to gently lead my daughter toward independence without letting on that it will be forced?\u00a0Or do I need to inform her now that she will be on her own come summer?\u00a0Again, my decision is firm in that regard, so please don\u2019t argue there.<\/p>\n

\u2014Tell Her Now Or Later?<\/p>\n

Dear Tell Her Now Or Later,\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

A hazard of writing to an advice columnist is that you may not get the answer you want to hear, but a corollary to that is you can\u2019t tell the columnist what kind of advice to give you. So here\u2019s something you don\u2019t want to hear: You\u2019re creating a situation with your daughter that will absolutely harm your relationship with her, and potentially indefinitely. You seem to be aware that this isn\u2019t going to go well, but you naively assume that it\u2019s going to be a temporary rift, which means you misunderstand the nature of what you\u2019re doing and also what sort of relationship you might have once your daughter is out of the house, and can never speak to you again if she chooses.<\/p>\n

The issue is not that you want your daughter to be independent; that\u2019s great. It\u2019s that cutting her off abruptly with little or no warning makes some insulting assumptions about her\u2014one of which is that if you don\u2019t cut her off, she\u2019ll be incapable of being independent. Maybe this was true of you when you were her age, but your child is not you. You are different people, and that should be clear to you because she\u2019s volunteered that she didn\u2019t want you to pay for college.
What you should do is have a conversation with her about how she plans to become independent once she graduates, and help her plan it. That is\u00a0actually\u00a0helpful, and you don\u2019t risk making her feel completely abandoned by you for no reason other than your own guilt about living with your parents when you were in your 20s. As for sink-or-swim tactics: They work for some people, but they traumatize others, and sometimes when you throw someone into the deep end, they just drown. You have no way of knowing how your daughter will react. (Sometimes even despite their best efforts, people flail and drown.)<\/p>\n

Throwing someone abruptly into a situation they may not be prepared for isn\u2019t tough love, it\u2019s just an unwillingness to do the work of helping them prepare. Even if she comes out of it OK, she will probably resent you for it, because it is a harsh tactic, and often deployed punitively. Why create that resentment when there are plenty of healthy alternatives that would make your relationship stronger? This is the kind of thing people talk about to their therapists years later, not because financial independence was too big of an ask, but because pulling the rug out from under someone with no warning is a breach of trust. As parents, we try to make our children feel safe while they\u2019re with us so that they have the confidence and skills to live as adults, and psychologically that sense of safety is important, even if it\u2019s illusory. If your daughter does have a good relationship with you and trusts you, imagine what it does to her for you to abruptly say, \u201cBy the way, you\u2019re on your own, and I am not going to help you if you need it.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s fine if you don\u2019t want to support your daughter after high school, but don\u2019t pat yourself on the back for good parenting, because this isn\u2019t that. You need to actually talk to her and do it in a way that makes her feel like she still has a safety net, at least psychologically, if she tries and it doesn\u2019t work out. Go ahead and tell her now, so she can mentally prepare. The longer you wait, the less prepared she will be, and if you do love her, surely you don\u2019t want her flailing dangerously in the deep end.<\/p>\n

\u2014Elizabeth Spiers<\/p>\n

From: I\u2019m Going To Cut My Daughter Off The Minute She Graduates High School.<\/a> (January 5th, 2023).<\/p>\n

\n Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My mother passed away five years ago and left her small estate equally to her four children. Her estate consisted of a house and about $40,000 in cash.<\/p>\n

My mother had a long-term partner she never married. In her last few years, he moved in with her and helped care for her. For years, my mother supported her retirement by renting out rooms in her five-bedroom home. It was her hope that he could continue living in her house and rent out rooms. This would pay for maintenance, property taxes, and insurance and give her partner a place to live, as he has never really worked and lives on disability payments.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, this person is a hoarder and since her death has filled the house with piles and piles of stuff. The front yard is also full of stuff now. The house is so full he is only able to rent out one room, and he uses the rent from that room to support himself. The minimal payments we have asked for my mother\u2019s surviving partner to pay (only $400 a month, just enough to slow the drain on the estate) have been paid less than half the time. The $40,000 that was originally in the estate\u2019s account has dwindled to less than $20,000. The house, which my mother always kept clean and organized, desperately needs repairs and paint. Very soon we will no longer be able to cover the insurance and taxes, and there will be nothing left for repairs.<\/p>\n

We are very fond of this person, and he has many wonderful qualities. We don\u2019t want him to become homeless. However, it is not sustainable for him to continue living in the house without renting out rooms to cover the expenses. And I do not think that this person is capable of cleaning up to the point where the house can sustain itself with roommates. How can we address this in a way which treats our mother\u2019s long-term partner in a humane way, but also protects our inheritance? He doesn\u2019t have enough income to live on independently but also isn\u2019t doing his part to sustain the arrangement.<\/p>\n

\u2014We\u2019re Stuck Here<\/p>\n

Dear We\u2019re Stuck,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I say this with respect and love: Just because your mom wanted to take care of somebody doesn\u2019t mean you have to. I\u2019m sure he\u2019s a nice guy, and your mom had her reasons, but that doesn\u2019t mean you have to take him on, especially if he isn\u2019t holding up his end of the bargain and is trashing the place. So you have two options. You can allow him to live there, with stipulations put in place, or you can\u00a0evict<\/a>\u00a0him, but both of these options require you to meet with a real estate attorney, stat.<\/p>\n

If you allow him to stay, you need to have a\u00a0formal landlord-tenant lease agreement<\/a>\u00a0put into place. This is to protect you, your siblings, and him, whether it seems like it or not. He must abide by the rules put in place per this agreement or face eviction. This might be enough of an impetus for him to start cleaning the place, but it\u2019s hard to say if it will work\u2014it sounds like this person has a lot of mental health issues, as well as some physical limitations that may make this difficult. If you want to extend kindness even further, you might offer to help him do some of the initial cleaning\u2014make it a project, while also making it evident that this is a transformation that\u00a0has\u00a0to occur, and represents the last stop on the way to eviction.<\/p>\n

If you choose to evict him now, I wouldn\u2019t blame you. Real estate laws are different in every state, and instead of taking this on by yourself, please consult an attorney. He\u00a0has rights<\/a>, due to having lived there for as long as he has, and the lawyer will need to walk you through the formal process to make sure this is taken care of in the right way. Godspeed, friend.<\/p>\n

\u2014Athena Valentine<\/p>\n

From: My Mom\u2019s Hoarder Boyfriend Is Ruining Her House.<\/a> (May 4th, 2022).<\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My partner and I purchased a fixer-upper in December. The purchase price for the house was about $200,000 under our budget, but we estimated it would need about $200,000 of renovations to make it livable, so we figured it would all come out roughly even. We\u2019re extremely lucky that a recent inheritance meant we could pay for the renovations in cash, but our plan was to get a home equity loan or construction loan for the renovation costs, given the super low interest rates.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, once we started the renovation process, it was clear that the timelines weren\u2019t going to work. We needed to start paying for renovations in February to get the project at least somewhat finished before our move-in deadline in April, but when we started reaching out to home equity loan providers in January, we were told the loan process would take at least four months. We paid for the renovations in cash. While I\u2019m grateful we had the cash to make the work happen on schedule, I\u2019m bummed that the inability to get a loan for the work means that in the long run, we\u2019re taking a substantial financial hit (I had planned to invest that $200,000). When we started the homebuying process, we made a spreadsheet with various purchase\/loan\/cash options, and we literally ended up with the worst long-term option.<\/p>\n

At this point, is there any way to retroactively get a loan or something else to recoup those losses?<\/p>\n

\u2014This Is Fine, but Not Great<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak
\n I Just Found Out Who My Hookup Is in a Relationship With. Nothing Could\u2019ve Prepared Me for This.
\n Read More<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear This Is Fine,<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. \n <\/p>\n

    My Boss Asked a Question About My Potential Promotion. Uh, the Answer Is Obvious.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  2. \n <\/p>\n

    I Just Found Out That My Wife\u2019s Aunt Has Been Lying to Us for Years. I\u2019m Not Sure My Kid Is Safe Around Her Anymore.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n

  3. \n <\/p>\n

    I Did Some Good \u201cParenting\u201d While Babysitting My Nephew. My Sister Is Furious.
    \n <\/a>\n <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    I completely understand why you are in your feelings about using your cash reserve to make home improvements instead of a home equity line of credit, or HELOC, loan. You are lucky to have had the cash, but that doesn\u2019t mean it stung any less. I might be missing something, but I believe you are asking if you can take out a loan to invest to try to get your money back in the market.<\/p>\n

    You can get a\u00a0HELOC loan anytime<\/a>\u00a0after you purchase your home if you have enough equity and good credit. But it doesn\u2019t take away from the fact that a loan is still a loan and it will need to be paid back. I do not advise you to go into any more debt than is necessary.\u00a0Do not borrow against your house to invest<\/a>. Any time you are investing, you need to be committed to keeping your money in it for as long as it\u2019s needed to make a return. This can be up to 30 years.<\/p>\n

    I would chalk it up to a badly timed mistake and instead create a bare-bones budget to free up cash. Then once a month, make a deposit into a brokerage account with whatever you\u2019ve saved.<\/p>\n

    \u2014A.V.<\/p>\n

    From: My Entire Credit History Disappeared Overnight. <\/a>(May 31st, 2022).<\/p>\n

    Classic Prudie<\/p>\n

    My husband and I have been married for a year and have a new baby. We were talking about abortion in the context of news this week when my husband casually asked me if I had ever had an abortion. I changed the subject. The thing is, I have had two abortions, both when I was a teenager. My husband is pro-choice, as am I, and I\u2019m neither ashamed of nor regretful about my decisions. I\u2019m not sure why, but I just really don\u2019t want my husband to know. It was during a tough time in my life, and I would rather put it behind me forever. I know this is a big thing to keep from him, but\u00a0would it be OK if I kept that part of my past secret?<\/a><\/p>\n

    Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so we\u2019re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":823012,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3093],"tags":[4376,51,390,474,2499,16,15],"class_list":{"0":"post-823011","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-personal-finance","8":"tag-advice","9":"tag-business","10":"tag-family","11":"tag-finance","12":"tag-personal-finance","13":"tag-uk","14":"tag-united-kingdom"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/pubeurope.com\/@uk\/116221894083277131","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/823011","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=823011"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/823011\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/823012"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=823011"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=823011"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.europesays.com\/uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=823011"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}